Page 87 of Just the Tipsy
“For real. And Bianca seemed really torn up about it, by the way,” Jada says. “Or at least over text.”
“Have you seen her in person?” I ask. I know I hurt her, but the thought of her being alone and hurt is even worse.
“No. I’m not going to crowd her unless she asks for company.”
I rest my elbows on the table and run my hands down my face. Duke lifts his head and rests it on my foot.
“But again, what are you even doing?” Jeremiah asks. “I get being gun shy, but there’s a difference between gun shy and completely illogical.”
I bristle. “I’m not completely illogical.”
“You kind of are.” Jeremiah sits back in his seat. “Bianca’s not Catherine. We knew Catherine, and to be honest, she always had her issues way back in college.”
“But you guys didn’t say anything when I took her back?” I pour myself another drink, then a glass of water.
“We did, dumb-dumb,” Jada says. Jeremiah shoots her a look ”Sorry for being harsh, but we did. As gently as possible because you were making heart eyes at each other for some reason. We didn’t want to shit all over your parade, especially since you knew her better than we ever did.”
I blow a breath out of my nose. Iwasa little too into her — Catherine was smart, funny, and charming a lot of the time. And we were seen as similar by everyone else. The overachievers who “did everything right”.
God, I was so stupid.
“Seriously, just think about it since we’re here to keep you on track,” Jeremiah says, leveling me with a look that’s more serious than I’ve ever seen him. “Think about the last time you saw Catherine. I know things are tainted because hindsight is 20/20, but just do it. Is she anything like Bianca whatsoever?”
“I saw her today,” I say. “And…she was pretty fucking terrible. She wasn’tthatbad when we dated, but to be honest, I saw little glimpses of those traits today when we dated. And I’ve been pissed off at myself ever since.”
Now the constant churn of memories from earlier starts to shift. Catherine isn’t a great person, especially not for me. But just because she was doesn’t mean that I have to beat myself up over it. I can just take what I learned and fully move on.
“Don’t be pissed at yourself for how you felt in the past,” Jeremiah says. “That’s some bullshit. Because your feelings were involved and you made some mistakes. We all fuck up. But what’s even more messed up is letting all the bad thoughts you’ve had about how things went with Catherine keep you from something good.”
“Seriously. And based on the way you and Bianca are together, there’s a lot of good there,” Jada adds.
I hear what they’re saying, but being able to shut off those old thoughts isn’t as easy as hearing and agreeing with a good argument.
But the more I let it sink in, the more what they’ve said makes sense. Being with Bianca always feels easy — I don’t have to live up to absurd expectations. I just have to be myself. I never felt like that with a romantic partner. It was a feeling I assumed I had to go to my friends for. But I can have that feeling with the person I love.
Except I’ve clearly hurt Bianca and I have no idea how to fix things. She’s been rejected and fucked over by too many peoplein her life to easily forgive — not that I deserve her forgiveness just because I’m falling for her. But I want it more than anything.
TWENTY-NINE
BIANCA
Goingover to Jada’s for one last girls’ night is bittersweet. When I told them I was moving this soon, they were shocked, but accepted it. I didn’t go into detail as to how I got things wrapped up so fast and they didn’t ask. My stuff is mostly packed and my flights to New York are booked for the day after tomorrow.
Soon Jepsen will just be a part of my past. Something I look back on five or ten years from now and feel too many things about. Or maybe it’ll just be those weird few months I had by then because my life ends up being amazing. But somehow, I doubt it. This place, of all places, has burrowed into me for good.
I pull up to Jada’s apartment, which is next door to her family’s hotel.
“Hey!” Jada opens the door wearing leggings and a big Crescent Hill University sweatshirt. “Come in.”
I’ve never been here, but it’s very her — bold and fun. Everything should clash and feel too loud, but somehow, it feels just right. Something in the oven smells amazing, like sugar. Bookcases are all over the place, with books stuffed in without much rhyme or reason.
“You look…” Jada looks me up and down as I pass her.
“Not great?” I catch sight of myself in a big, ornate mirror in the short hall between the entryway and living room. I look more alive than I did before and I put some effort into my hair today. But I still look colorless and tired.
“Well, I was trying not to say it. But it’s written all over your face.” Jada squeezes my arm. “But that’s what we’re here for.”
“Sorry. This was supposed to be a fun last night together,” I say with a wince.
