Page 29 of Pour Decisions
My mom was married to Raymond, who had moved in with her a little before I started my junior year at Crescent Hill. Since the apartment I was going to rent near campus fell through, I moved into Mom’s spare bedroom and commuted.
At first it was fine—he was sort of a snarky jerk who was always “just getting his business started” but never managed to get it off the ground.
I was out a lot for my classes or with JD when we got together and it didn’t matter. He was just another guy in a string of meh guys Mom had.
But then, as his relationship with my mother started going downhill, he started lashing out at me for no good reason. It got to the point where JD and I were talking about me moving in with him, just so I wouldn’t be barraged with insults every damn day. Insults about majoring in dance, about my looks. Things that led to more arguments and fighting.
My mom halfheartedly defended me once and got such a tongue-lashing that she gave up.
She didn't dump him, though, not until years later. She apologized to me and explained her fears, so I’ve tried to move past it. But “moving past it” has meant pretending it didn’t happen.
The yelling every day ground my mental health to dust, and I’d had it. I called JD at one in the morning after a particularly nasty blow up and he drove to pick me up.
JD didn’t take seeing me in that state well. I’d never seen him lose even a gram of composure, but he lost it at Raymond. One second they were in each other’s faces, and the next, Raymond was shoving JD onto the ground. A big mistake on his part, because JD took him down too and beat the shit out of him.
Everything was a blur after that—my mom and I screaming for them to stop, me trying to yank JD off. Raymond saying he’d call the cops if JD didn’t stop. That ended things, and we left for JD’s apartment.
Just remembering when I’ve tried so hard to forget has my hands sweating.
“He ended up making good on his threat of going to the police, so I got arrested the next day after you went to class,” JD says.
“Youwhat?”I drop my fork. “You got arrested and didn’t tell me? It was self-defense!”
He holds up a hand, and I sit back in the booth, biting the inside of my cheek.
“I know it was, but I wasn’t sure how easy it would be to prove. I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t call the cops to begin with—he probably would have been arrested too.” He rakes a hand through his hair, then tugs at his beard. His gaze is unfocused on a point beyond my shoulder.
“He went to the hospital and had a broken rib, so it went from a misdemeanor to a potential felony,” he continues. “The police in town know of my family, so when I called my dad to bail me out, he came in and was allowed to talk to Raymond. Raymond said he wouldn’t press charges if my dad paid him off, and my dad was more than willing to do that.”
Raymond would do that, the piece of garbage.
“But Dad said I had to end things with you, or he wouldn’t pay him. He said I got into this shit because I was distracted with our relationship and he used it to pressure me.” JD sighs. “Instead of telling you all of this, I was a coward and just did as my dad asked.”
I freeze. Some parts of that whole time in my life were a blur, and the time between the fight and when JD started distancing himself from me is one of them. But details of that time start to come back and click with what he’s saying.
The breakup conversation where he ended things felt like he was being told to say it at gunpoint. Though I guess in this case, it was at his father’s urging. At least Mom had temporarily kicked Raymond out so I was able to go back to her place for awhile. It was awful given everything that had just happened, and we were barely speaking, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
I swallow the lump in my throat. It’s like someone flicked on a light switch I didn’t know was there and illuminated all these things that are making me view the world differently.
He really didn’t want to break up. He still loved me. But it’s still complicated.
“I was ashamed. Still am, honestly,” he says, sitting back in the booth. “I can’t believe I even thought letting you go was an option.”
“JD, you would have been a felon,” I say. “I’m not saying I’m glad you chose to do what your father said, but I can see how you got there. He put you in a difficult position. It was all intense and scary.”
He stays quiet as the waiter passes us again. “I should have told you, though. About why. Even years later instead of just waiting.”
He should have. Because then I wouldn’t have spent the past ten years wondering if something was fundamentally wrong with me for him to dump me like that. Would I have been pissed? Absolutely. I was pissed now, to be honest. He knew I always felt like an afterthought to people like my mom, but he turned around and made me feel the same way.
Knowing I could have moved on without that idea getting ground into my brain would have helped.
But I know JD too. JD never broke the rules. He hardly even bent them. Being faced with serious charges that risked his future would make anyone clam up. And the shame of losing control when he’s all about control?
I hate what he did, but I understand why he did it.
“I’m sorry, Kat,” JD says. “I know they’re just words, but I mean them.”
His words slip right through the walls I’ve put up and hit their target.
