Page 1 of Resting Grump Face
1
SIENNA
Idon’t believe in heaven or hell, but I do believe in revenge.
Look, I’m not a crazy person. It’s just that the universe is an exceptionally cruel place, so sometimes it’s necessary to take matters into your own hands to right the wrongs, to set the record straight, to clean up Karma’s mess.
Of course, to avoid drawing the wrath of the universe upon yourself, there are a few rules you probably want to follow:
First of all, harm no one (unless they actually deserve it).
Secondly, the punishment must fit the crime (though eyeballing is acceptable).
Thirdly, do not get caught (because no one looks good in orange).
Sounds simple enough, right?
Someone is rude to the cashier at the supermarket? You tell them you’re a dermatologist and that they should probably get that dick-shaped mole on their neck checked out.
Someone steals candy from a child? You steal their keys, or wallet, or joy of living.
Someone has the audacity to skip the extensive line of people waiting to go through the security check at the airport?
Well, apparently what you do is: you imagine yourself scratching the shit out of his back with sharpened nails, while he presses you against a wall and his luscious lips all over your body.
At least that’s what I find myself doing when that someone passes me, and about a hundred other people, followed by what I assume to be his crying assistant or possibly former girlfriend.
“Still there, Miss de la Vega?” The indignant voice of my boss echoes through my phone and pulls my attention from the stunning stranger without manners, back to the annoyed asshole without morals.
I clear my throat and make sure he actually said what I think he just said. “So, just for my understanding, you have to let me go… but it’snotbecause I refuse to lie to the press about you embezzling money?”
A loud huff blows through the phone and I can practically smell the stench of old coffee on his breath. “Like I said, I don’t want to fire anyone here!Butif you refuse to do your job, then I’m afraid our company might be in need of a new PR consultant.” He stops for a moment, then quickly continues. “Furthermore, I’d like to clarify that every last cent is accounted for. No one at this company committed any act of embezzling or other illegal and/or morally questionable actions whatsoever.”
Right,I think to myself.He rehearsed that, didn’t he?
“You mean morally questionable like threatening to fire an employee for not committing a crime to cover your tracks?”
“Miss de la Vega…”
My boss’s belittling tone makes me want to punch through the phone. The condescending smile on his face is audible.
“I would never! Don’t think of it like that. Think of it in terms of… job security, specifically yours at our company.”
He is enjoying this way too much. This manager of misery would be better suited to running a dirty dungeon down at the docks.
“Company…” I say, barely able to hide my disgust. “You’re the CEO of a non-profit organization. We do not operate the same way a company does. Not that any of this would be acceptable at an actual company. And just because you and your obedient little slave… sorry, I meant our Chief Financial Officer got caught and preemptively put back what you stole, does not make what you did okay.”
“Of course, yes, I understand.” He is using his fake-sincere voice now, letting me know the hammer is about to drop. “How about we just talk about this when you come into work today?”
“Mr. Sake, you know quite well that I won’t be coming into the office today. I told you I am attending my best friend’s wedding this weekend. You green-lit my vacation and then made me clear it with?—”
“My obedient little sex toy?”
Ah, for crying out loud.
“Slave… I said obedient little slave. You made me clear my vacation with Mrs. Highwater, our CFO.”
“Right. Well, I don’t recall any of that and, besides, vacation requests are to be filed in written form, as I am sure you are aware. Since neither I nor Mrs. Highwater have received any requests, you are absent from work, which, I believe, means strike number two, Miss de la Vega. You will have your official reprimand in your inbox within the hour.”
