Page 48 of Leaving the Station
When the song ended, May dragged Shani over to where Mischa and I were standing, and I took a step back without meaning to.
“I don’t bite,” May said as she looked me up and down.
“She does,” Shani stage whispered, and they both laughed.
May wrapped her arm around Shani’s waist, and Shani fixed May’s hair. Their movements were seamless.
They spoke to Mischa for a few minutes, but I wasn’t paying attention. One thought overwhelmed my mind:This is what my life could be.
Maybe it could’ve been like that with Mischa or Autumn or someone else, anyone else.
Yet for some reason, I had chosen a boy.
And Ilikedthat boy.
But maybe I hadn’t chosen him just because—maybe there was somethingmore.
I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff: one wrong move and my life would’ve been irrevocably changed.
Rather than investigating this thought, I pulled Mischa back onto the dance floor.
At the end of the night, we reconvened in Rex’s room. I wasn’t drunk—I hadn’t even had a sip of alcohol—but Iwasdazed.
“It looked like you were having fun with the host,” Rex said, raising their eyebrows.
“She was cool,” I admitted.
Mischa and I had exchanged numbers, but that was that. I didn’t do anything that could’ve been considered cheating—I’d barely even danced with her—but I still felt like I needed a shower.
We were lying on Rex’s blue shag carpet and listening to a vibey playlist that Autumn had chosen. For the second time that night, I was struck with a what-if.
What if Ihadchosen the Tees over Alden?
It hadn’t been that long; I could choose them now. I could choose parties with hot queer people, dancing together and ending our nights by grabbing ice cream or fries or whatever we wanted.
I could choose this, being tangled together listening to boygenius and giggling for no reason.
“You should hang with us more often,” Autumn said to me after a while.
I nodded. I should’ve.
Rex sat up and leaned forward so that they were looking right at me. “Yeah, you were actually being fun tonight.”
I sat up then too. “What does that mean?”
The three Tees exchanged a look, and I hugged my legs to my chest.
Autumn was the most diplomatic of them, so she spoke first. “Just that you seem a little... different around your boyfriend.”
They were right, but it still stung. And if they’d left it at that, it would’ve been fine.
But then Shelly said, “He makes you boring.” I froze, and Shelly must’ve taken that as an indication to continue sticking his foot in his mouth. “You should hang out more with Mischa; she’s great.”
“Alden doesn’t make me boring,” I muttered.
I debated telling them about the thoughts I’d had earlier. That maybe it wasn’t that Ilikedhim so much but more that I liked how he made me feel. Or that maybe I waslikehim in some way that I didn’t know how to articulate.
But because I didn’t know how to articulate it, I didn’t say anything at all.
