Page 62 of Trusting You
“I know, sweetie. It hurts me too.”
The kettle started to whistle, and she went back to the kitchen and returned with two steaming mugs of Sleepytime tea with big slices of fresh lemon. Just like my grandma used to make when we were upset.
She sat back down and the two of us sat in silence, sipping tea. It was nice to have her here. One of my mom’s best qualities was her ability to be quiet. She has this stillness and this peace about her and has for as long as I can remember. My mom seemed to be able to just sit with things and really feel them. I decide to follow her example. I sat and felt sadness over the loss of my father, and I felt fear about my future and Liam, and I felt my insecurities swirling around in my brain. And it wasn’t awful. And so we sat, sipping tea and gazing out into the darkness.
Feeling bold, I turned to her. “Mom, why have you never dated? It’s been eighteen years since Dad died.”
“Because I still love your father. And I took vows, and losing him damn near killed me. That loss is so great, and it was worse because I had to watch the two of you grow up without him. We had been together since high school, sweetie. I didn’t know how to live without him. I still don’t know if I do. I simply can’t open myself back up to that kind of love and the potential for that kind of loss.”
“But shouldn’t you be brave? Isn’t love worth it?”
“It was worth it. It was incredible, and I am so grateful for the time we had. But I will never find that again, and I’m just not brave enough to try.” I nodded. For once, my mother was really making sense.
“Not like you. You are brave.”
“No, I’m not. And I’m honestly feeling unsure if I’m doing the right thing.”
“What do you mean? You love Liam. I can see it on your face.”
“I think I do. but I’m just not sure, Mom. And honestly, I’m afraid to stay and find out. Being back in Havenport has opened my eyes to so many things. But I’m not sure I am ready for this.” What I couldn’t say out loud was that I was not ready to risk my heart. Especially when it was all so sudden, and my life was out there waiting for me to go and find it.
“You have made quite a life for yourself here over the past three months, sweetie. You have blossomed and tried new things and taken risks. I am so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mom. And I think this experience has given me a lot of confidence about the future.” But I wasn’t sure whether that future was here.
“You are a smart girl, and you guard your heart. It’s probably my fault that you do. But I have confidence in you, Cecelia. You have a big, beautiful heart, you just have to listen to it. You have to trust yourself.” She got up from her chair and yawned. “I’m going to hit the hay.”
“Okay. Love you, Mom.”
“Love you, darling.” She leaned over and kissed my head, taking the empty mug from my hands.
I pulled an old afghan around my shoulders. Today had been intense. On many levels. I felt completely mixed-up and turned inside out. Gourd Fest was awesome. I was incredibly proud of what we accomplished. I did that. I planned and executed it, and it went better than expected.
But on the flip side, the event and its success made me think more about what I was doing with my life. I was proud of the work I had done at the brewery. Yes, it was not what I had envisioned for myself, but I was having fun and developing new skills. Hell, Nora wanted to hire me for projects, and Leah at High Tide has inquired as well. I could make a career here. But doing so would mean giving up my city life and my corporate job. And right now, when everything in my life was so uncertain, I wanted to cling more and more to old Cece and her carefully curated existence.
And then there was Liam. We were riding a high of a success at the festival and shared a truly incredible physical connection back at his apartment. We connected so deeply and so viscerally. Our entire relationship had shifted and changed in a few short minutes.
And then we got the call about the Captain.
It was just too much too soon. I needed time to sort through my feelings for Liam and my feelings about Havenport. I needed to figure out my career and where I was going to live. The thought made me hyperventilate.
My feelings for Liam were so intense. I had fallen for him. There was no question. Our friendship had evolved and turned into something explosive and intense and undeniable. I knew he liked me. And being with him was so wonderful. Working with him was a blast. He challenged me and pushed me and made me better and more creative. And he trusted me and helped me learn to trust myself.
But we were both clear from the beginning. The entire point of this arrangement was to avoid heartbreak and hurt feelings. His priority was the brewery, and mine was starting my next chapter. We agreed on casual. The problem was that the feelings I was having were anything but casual.
An incoming text pinged my phone.
Liam: Thanks for tonight. It meant a lot to have you there with me.
Cece: No problem. I am happy to help. How are things going?
Liam: No change yet. He’s stable. I’ll text you.
Cece: Keep me posted. I’ll be thinking about you all.
Liam: I am so lucky to have you. Goodnight.
I wasn’t sure how to interpret his messages. He was exhausted and terrified and living a nightmare right now. Hopefully we could talk sometime soon.
