Page 72 of Trusting You
I decided not to yell at her for taking my drink. “It’s a good job. More pay and better benefits than my last gig and a chance to lead my own team.”
I took a gulp of the water she handed me.This isn’t whiskey but it also isn’t setting my GI tract on fire, so that’s a plus.“But I don’t want that life anymore. I walked into the fancy Cambridge high-rise and had a panic attack. I hate fancy office buildings with TVs in the elevators.”
I had hated every minute I was in that building. “Everyone was dressed up and walking and talking and clicking away on state-of-the-art laptops. There was constant talk of “saving lives” and “putting patients first”. The same generic corporate speak I’d been throwing around for years. I despised it and wanted no part of that world. “I hate the idea of having six bosses again and trying to get anything done in another soul-crushing bureaucracy.”
“Sounds like a nightmare.” She nodded sagely.
“You get it!” I screamed, sloshing my water over the rim of my glass.
“So are you here drinking and feeling sorry for yourself about the job? Or about Liam?”
“Stupid Liam and his stupid handsome face. I hate him.”
“Sure you do.” Nora patted my head like a child, and I stuck my tongue out at her.
“He is a controlling jerk who can’t admit he needs help. That he needs me. He acted like I did nothing, like I added no value.”
“Are you sure? Cece, everyone knows what an incredible job you did at the brewery.”
“Right!” I kicked the underside of the bar with my uncomfortable shoe and Fran shot me a dirty look. “Sorry, Fran.” I smiled at her weakly. “He’s just a big dick control freak who couldn’t handle all of my awesomeness. He was scared of my professional brilliance and what an amazing casual dating kind of girlfriend I am.”
“Okay. I can’t unpack that right now. So what you are saying is he was a dick to you and you’re mad?”
“Not just a dick, Nora. A big dick. A big dick who happens to alsohavea big dick. Ugh. There is nothing worse than a big dick with a big dick. Amirite?”
Nora laughed. “We should put that on a bumper sticker.”
“Oooh, good plan. I’m going to put that in my notes app.”
“So what do you want, Cece?”
I was afraid to tell Nora what I really wanted.I want Liam. And I want the brewery. And I want to be with him and work together and build something of my own. Something I can be proud of. I want to help other small businesses market themselves and grow. I want to have Monday breakfast with you at the diner and watch my niece and nephew grow up. I want to spend more time with my mom because she is amazing and I’ve been too self-absorbed to realize it. I want to be happy and loved and challenged every day of my life.
“I want Liam. And I want to stay in Havenport. And I want to be challenged and have fun and see the people I love every day. But I don’t want to want those things. Well, not all of those things, but I don’t want to wantsomeof those things so I am confused and mad.” I took a deep breath and slumped on the bar. “That speech took a lot out of me.”
Nora patted my hand. “I’m sure it did, sweetie. You can have all of those things.”
“No, I can’t. Liam pushed me away. He doesn’t want help. He doesn’t want a partner.”He rejected me. Not just me as a girlfriend but me as a professional, and that really hurt.
“I think you may be overthinking this. It was one fight.” I hated when Nora was the rational one in this relationship.
“But there’s more to it. I don’t know if I can love him.”
“You already do.”
I was shocked. “You don’t know that!”
Nora looked at me like I was a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. “Um…news flash, Cece. Everyone knows that you’re in love with him. You are being a dumbass.”
I stared at her. She was totally wrong.
“Back me up, Fran.”
‘Yup,” Fran deadpanned, “you are a huge dumbass”
“Just admit you love him.”
“I can’t, Nora. It’s not that easy. Imagine how much worse it will be if I love him for years or decades? I don’t think my heart can handle that. You of all people should know that, Nora.” I gestured to her. Nora was as anti-monogamy as you could get. She was the queen of hit it and quit it. She did not let anyone hurt her. She had to understand what I was going through.
