Page 32 of Finding You
She laughed. “Not possible. Orgasms are incredible and make life worth living. You need stress relief and you deserve the absolute best you can get. And you should not be depending on a man to deliver on that front.”
I nodded, a bit dumbstruck by her.
“Plus. Taking charge of your own pleasure is a feminist act. You don’t need a penis. You can take care of yourself.”
She had a point. And it’s not like I had been getting a lot of action recently. “Trust me, the guys I’ve been with have been underwhelming in that department.”
“Don’t worry. This will do the trick. At least until you are ready for Declan.” She winked at me. “You will be good for him, I can tell.”
“Thanks.” I blushed slightly. Deep down I wanted to be good for him and knew I could be. But this was fake, not real. We were fake dating and eventually I’d have to go back to my old life. I couldn’t help that I may have had a teeny crush on him. He was a both a certifiable sex god and unbelievably kind.
It’s like she was reading my mind. “So what happens when you go back to Boston?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” We would break up. Of course we would. This wasn’t even a real relationship. I shouldn’t have agreed to this. The whole situation was extremely confusing. I liked clear goals and outcomes. This was already too messy for me.
I was going back to my firm. I was going back to my career. And, if for some reason that didn’t work out, then I would start over at another firm. Once I did that there would be no time and no energy for a relationship, especially for someone like Declan. He was intense and generous and wonderful. He wouldn’t want a girlfriend he saw once a month. He deserved someone who could give herself to him entirely.
“You are my friend, and I want you to have everything you want, okay? If that’s Declan, great. If that’s going back to that shithole law firm, that’s great too. But don’t forget about Havenport when you leave. We will all miss you.”
We sat and chatted and ate and people watched. It was incredible. At this moment I regretted giving up on therapy. I wanted to reach out to Dr. Martha and beg her to help me. I wanted to tell her everything about Max and my cold dismissal from the firm, and Havenport, and Declan and my new friends. I wanted her to help me figure this all out. I was feeling so many things, and for the first time in my life, my path was unclear.
14
ASTRID
I mademy way back to my cottage after an extremely awkward morning with Declan. I had gone over last night for dinner, and we had fallen asleep watchingGame of Throneson his couch. I woke up this morning snuggled up to him, drooling on his T-shirt. How mortifying. I was usually a very light sleeper, but after a few glasses of wine and a gigantic steak that I had shared with Ginger, I was out cold. It was nice, waking up in his muscular, tattooed arms. His body was warm and strong and I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. What would it feel like to have him on top of me? Inside of me? Maybe the vibrator Nora sent me would get some use after all.
Before I could take a shower to rinse off a night of questionable decision-making, my phone rang. I knew this was coming. It was only a matter of days before she found out. I took a breath and answered.
“Hello.”
“Astrid. What is going on?” Her tone was clipped and businesslike, with absolutely no empathy present.
“Hello, Mother. I am well. How are you?”
“Spare me the chit-chat, Astrid. Where are you? And why aren’t you at work?” My mother was all business, all the time. You didn’t get as far as she had by making polite small talk.
“I am in Havenport, Mother. Aunt Connie is letting me stay at her rental cottage.”
“Are you ill? Do you need a doctor? Because I can’t imagine why you are at the beach when you should be at your office.”
“Oh Mother, we both know that you know what is going on.”
“I would like to hear it from my daughter. Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was? Hearing rumors about my own daughter? Scandalous.”
“I think you are exaggerating.”
"I was at the Women In The Law fundraising dinner last night and you were the talk of the table. I met some lovely young woman from Burns & Glenn. Charlotte something or other. She said you had been terminated for making some kind of catastrophic error. That can’t be right. You don’t make mistakes. I raised you to be careful and diligent.”
Of course my mother takes my career failure personally. Of course she is thinking about how this makes her look instead of how it makes me feel. It was sadly typical of our relationship.
“Mother, I’ve had a very difficult few weeks. This has not been easy on me. I really can’t argue with you right now.” Dr. Martha had always been insistent that I draw boundaries with my mother. Now I remembered why it was so futile.
“But why? How did this happen? Did you lose focus? Did you bill fewer hours this year than last? Did you waste too much time on your pro bono project and neglect your clients?”
This was the most interest my mother had shown in my life in a decade. Normally, she didn’t care what I did, as long as I was winning awards and making her look good. Now, of all times, she decides she wants details? I knew this was a toxic relationship. I’d had enough therapy to know that. But I didn’t know how to fix it or if it could be fixed. I decided to execute the nuclear option.
“No, Mom. If you must know they tried to fire me in retaliation for rejecting the sexual advances of a senior partner.”
