Page 57 of Finding You
He cued up the music, and I stared out at the tranquil ocean. There were docks with small boats and large ships, fishing nets, a large crane, and other machines I couldn’t recognize. It was interesting, seeing this part of Declan, getting a taste of his world. It was so unlike the touristy downtown area of Havenport. This felt more authentic, more real, and I was happy that he brought me here. I appreciated seeing this side of him, this essential part of his life.
I looked at the wood. There was a ton of it. There was no way I could break all this up. I would give it a few tries and then let him have a turn. It seemed rude not to try.
I put both hands on the wooden handle of the sledgehammer and lifted it up, slamming it down on the wood. It was heavy, but easier than I thought.
Instantly the wood splintered with a satisfying crash.
Oooh. That was nice. Lizzo sang in the background, making me feel stronger and tougher than ever.
I raised it up higher, swinging it above my head and driving it down with my knees.
Yes. You’re right, Lizzo. 100%.
It was fun.
Declan had music blasting from his phone and I was laughing.
I turned around to face him. “This is great!” I yelled.
He beamed at me and gave me a thumbs-up.
I swung again, harder, and broke through one whole pallet. I had no idea I was so strong.
Again and again I swung. My arms and shoulders were getting tired, and my heart was racing. Damn, this was an incredible workout. Wood splintered in every direction, and after a few tries I found a good rhythm. If I used my abs and legs to help drive it down, I was able to get even more power.
I reached a large metal tub of some kind. This could be harder. I put down the sledgehammer, did a quick stretch, and then picked it back up.
I swung it up, brought it down, and let out a primal scream. The sledgehammer hit the metal and crushed it, folding the tub in on itself. I dropped the sledgehammer and started jumping up and down, yelling.
Declan ran up to me. “Are you having fun?”
I grabbed him by the shoulder and kissed him quickly on the mouth. “So. Much. Fun.” I was officially sweating. I peeled off my jacket and handed it to Declan and pushed up the sleeves on my sweatshirt.
I turned around and got back to work. Over and over I brought down the sledgehammer, destroying the wood, metal, and plastic that he had set up for me.
I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs. And every time I swung, it was as though some of the tension inside me loosened. The knots of anxiety that had lived in my brain since childhood were slowly unraveling.
Declan was smiling and shouting words of encouragement. “Let it all out, Astrid. Get it all out.”
“Fuck Burns & Glenn,” I screamed as another blow came down. Fuck those assholes who exploited my labor for six years and then turned on me. I gave them everything I had. I cancelled vacations, I let friendships wither and die, I suppressed every desire, every dream I’d ever had just so I could chase the brass ring of partnership.
“Fuck Max Shapiro.” More crashing and destruction. He sexually harassed me and then tried to destroy my career? I brought the hammer down again, wishing it was his smug face.
“Fuck my mother and her stupid expectations.” Slam.
“Fuck being a Wentworth and all the bullshit pressure.” Slam.
“Fuck the patriarchy.” Slam.
As I swung and swung, dozens of times, I felt the pressure lessen. That internal weight that I had been dragging along with me was getting lighter and lighter every time I swung the sledgehammer. It was as if this pile of junk represented all my anxieties and insecurities, and I was destroying them blow by blow. I yelled, I screamed, I cried, and it felt so good. I didn’t even know what I was saying. I was yelling, mumbling, and sometimes screaming like a wild animal. Poor Declan probably thought I had officially lost my mind. But I didn’t care. Something had shifted deep inside me, and there was no going back.
I was sweating and swearing and having the time of my life. The sizable pile that Declan had made me was reduced to rubble. I doubted I would be able to lift my arms tomorrow, but I didn’t care. I felt good. I felt powerful. I felt like I could conquer the world.
I turned and saw Declan smiling at me. Thankfully, he was not running away from my crazy. I was panting and sweating and my eyes were teary. I dropped the sledgehammer, and he wrapped his arms around me. “I am so proud of you,” he said, pulling me into a hug.
He felt strong and secure and safe. He accepted me as I was and didn’t ask me to change. He gave me this gift because he knew it would help me, it would heal me. He made me stronger and built me up. My entire life I had been surrounded by people who took from me. Took my time, my attention, my emotional energy. Everyone that had ever been close to me wanted something. Men who used me for sex or for professional connections. All those friends in college and law school that befriended me because of who my mother was.
But not Declan. Declan cared for me and gave me his friendship and support without asking for anything in return. I had wanted him for weeks, but at that moment, I could not live without him. My body burned for him. I craved him, and I couldn’t pretend for another minute.
