Page 72 of Finding You
“Good for you!” I said and I meant it. I was impressed. She had clearly rebuilt her life and it gave me some hope.
“So let me guess, something similar happened to you?”
Monica and I talked for over an hour. We traded law firm horror stories, and she told me all about her daughter and the work she was currently doing at her new firm. She was cool and easy to talk to.
I shared some things with her I hadn’t told anyone. About how Max made me feel, about how much I hated myself after he touched me or said sexual things to me. She understood on a level that no one else in my life did. I told her about my refusal to sign the liability waiver and the threatening texts I’d received.
“They want you to just go quietly like I did,” she said. “They want to just sweep this under the rug. But fuck them. And fuck him.”
She was so right. It made me even angrier. The thought that the firm knew what he was up to and did nothing but shame and cast aside promising female attorneys? I wanted to punch something.
“I can’t believe the firm is still enabling his bullshit all these years later. And it wasn’t just me. Back then there were lots of rumors, including a paralegal that he groped at the Christmas party. She ended up quitting and was hushed up. Even though there were witnesses.”
I had spent the entirety of the conversation wanting to ask something and talking myself out of it. I finally broke. “Why didn’t you do anything?” I asked and instantly regretted it.
She sighed, and I immediately felt bad. I wasn’t trying to shame this woman. I was just trying to make sense of what happened to me. “I should have. But at the time, I just wanted to get away from the situation. It had become toxic for me, and I wanted to put it behind me. And honestly, I worried that if I made a fuss, I could be blackballed. At least this way I left with my dignity intact and a good recommendation for my next job. My career recovered and I am happy with the choices I’ve made.”
“I’m sorry I asked. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“But I am kicking myself because if I had been braver, if I had been stronger, then you may have been spared this pain. And I am truly sorry, Astrid.”
I started to cry. “Please don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. I should have spoken up. Kept records. But I was too scared.” It was the truth and I hated myself for it. I didn’t want to be scared and timid. I didn't want my future to be in the control of an aggressive sexual harasser.
“Don’t beat yourself up. He didn’t technically force me to do anything. But time and a lot of therapy have shown me that there is a big difference between forcing and free will, and what he did was coercive. He took advantage of the fact that he was my superior. That I wanted to impress him as a partner. He mentored me, took me under his wing, made sure I worked exclusively for him so I was isolated from other associates and partners. I didn’t pursue him, but when he made a move, I felt like I couldn’t say no. So I didn’t.” She was crying now too, and I wished we were in the same room so I could give her a hug.
The air left my lungs. The sexual advances, the touching, the thinly veiled threats. This was a pattern. This was abuse. And it was illegal. I had the power to stop this, and I knew what I had to do.
“I am so sorry if my asking questions has been upsetting for you. I am just trying to make sense of everything,” I said, ungracefully wiping my tears and snot on my sleeve.
“Don’t apologize. It’s been years and like I said, I’ve gotten a lot of help. My husband knows all about it, and although he wants to kick Max’s ass, he has been really supportive.”
“It means a lot to me that you shared your story.”
“Happy to help. So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I just want to move on with my life. Things have changed for me and I’m, I don’t know, just better. Like life is easier and brighter and more fun outside of Burns & Glenn.”
“Ha! Sister, I hear that!”
“But moving on and forgetting about everything will just let him get away with it. So as much as I don’t want to, I am going to file a formal complaint with HR. Explain that he retaliated against me after I rejected several aggressive sexual advances and falsely accused me to get me fired.” As an attorney, I knew that retaliation was against the law. “I’m not playing nice anymore.”
“Do not let him get away with this!” Her enthusiasm made me feel stronger.
“And then I am going to go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and file a lawsuit against him and the firm.” I shuddered just thinking about it. Years of potential litigation and attorney’s fees with no guarantee of success. But exercising the nuclear option seemed to be the only way to make sure no other woman went through this. “He can’t go around destroying people’s careers and their self-esteem. I don’t want him to take advantage of another eager, impressionable woman who just wants to be a good lawyer.”
“You are my hero, Astrid.”
I blushed.
“And I have a daughter now. I hate to think her mom wasn’t strong enough to stand up for herself. I think I want to file a complaint too.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Monica. Things have changed so much in the past few years. And you are strong. Just talking to me proves it.”
“They probably won’t care because it was four years ago, but fuck it. I’m going to lay it all out. Maybe all the evidence will catch up to him.”
Together, we put a plan in place. We coordinated who we would reach out to in HR and brainstormed possible evidence we could present that would be persuasive. We also made a plan to reach out to some of the other women who had been rumored to have had run-ins with Max. Monica had a friend who was an employment lawyer, so she was going to contact her about filing a potential lawsuit.
Monica laughed. “This is going to ruffle a lot of feathers.”
