Page 81 of Finding You
We walked in, arm in arm, like we owned the place and ended up having a decent time. Was it awkward? Yes. But not too painfully so. I found that Declan was incredible company and stayed close the entire night, fetching me drinks and complimenting me. I even saw him chatting amicably with my mother of all people while I danced with Judge Forsythe.
I spent a year clerking for the judge after graduating from law school. It was by far the best job I had ever had. I worked with him all day, accompanied him during trials and hearings, and researched points of law and drafted his judicial opinions. He ate lunch with me and the other clerks daily, filling us in with stories of a life well lived. We did important work, upholding the Constitution every day and treating everyone that came through our courtroom with deference and respect. He was old-school in the best way. We worked hard, but always took time to see the real-world consequences of our decisions. The judge didn’t want to live in an ivory tower; he wanted to use his position to help people and believed our legal system functioned best when it worked equally for everyone.
I kept in touch with him and attended his clerks’ Christmas party every year, but I hadn’t spent time with him in years. He was older than I remember, but just as charming. Seeing him and his wife was a nice reminder that my legal career had been promising once. That there was a time when I truly believed in what I was doing. I wasn’t just trying to bill twenty-five hours a day and resenting every minute of it. I used to view my career as an all-or-nothing proposition. Either I was a partner at Burns & Glenn or I was a failure who should do something else. Being here in this room with multiple generations of dedicated lawyers from all walks of life was a stark reminder that I was wrong. There were lots of ways to build a career and a life. And maybe it was time I started thinking that way.
My brain spun with ideas. I wanted to be with Declan, really be with him. And I wanted to live in Havenport. I had friends there, a life there, and I had discovered a lot about myself there. I loved it, just like I knew, deep down in my bones, that I loved Declan. I was bursting with love for him, and it took every ounce of self-control I had to keep the words from jumping out of my mouth. I wasn’t this woman. I wasn’t the overzealous type. I was cool and strategic, and I had to find the perfect moment to tell him.
It’s funny, for someone that hates dancing, I had been doing a lot of it lately. Between girls’ nights with Nora at the Whale and practicing with Declan in his living room, I had danced more in the last three months than in the last ten years.
And I was realizing, more and more, that I didn’t hate it. There was something so joyful and freeing about letting myself go. About losing all the inhibitions that I kept wrapped around myself like a protective shell and just being myself. It also didn’t hurt to have such a handsome and capable partner.
Declan led me around the dance floor with ease and grace for a man of his size. He never took his eyes off me, and it felt like the most delicious kind of foreplay.
We were dancing slowly to “Moon River,” and I was in his strong arms, dressed like a princess and successfully having faced Max Shapiro earlier. I was on top of the world.
“You are an incredible date,” I said to him.
“Am I living up to your fake boyfriend fantasies?”
I leaned in and huskily whispered in his ear, “You are living up to all my fantasies, Declan. All of them.”
He smiled, a big eye-crinkling smile, and then the next minute he spun me out and back. It had taken a while to trust him enough to lead me, but I was starting to get the hang of it.
“You are my fantasy, Astrid.” His gaze was intense and unwavering.
I leaned in and kissed him gently. “I love you, Declan.” Oh shit. It just came out. Dammit. I was supposed to be the cool one here.
He held my gaze as my heart beat so hard I could feel it in my toes. “I love you too.” I resisted the urge to break into a happy dance and/or text Emily.
I smiled at him. “This is real. And I want this. I want real with you, Declan.” There it was. What I really wanted, deep down in my bones. I had done it. I had let myself be vulnerable and had gone after what I really wanted.
He leaned in and whispered softly in my ear, “I will give you anything you want.”
Then he kissed me. Gently, but insistently. He was tasting me but also marking me as his. I had never been interested in being possessed by a man, but with Declan it was different. I knew I belonged to him and he belonged to me, and it was crazy but also beautiful and just right.
The rest of the night passed by in a blur. We danced, drank champagne, and kissed. We sampled the teeny tiny trendy desserts and laughed. My mother kept her distance, obviously, since events like these were for networking, not spending time with your only daughter. And we generally had a good time. I chatted with a few former colleagues and some law school acquaintances, and overall it was pleasant.
I graciously accepted my award with my team from Burns & Glenn—including Max, that assface. The MC said really flattering things about our team and me in particular, and listed the statistics about the work we had done at the shelter. I was proud. I had done that. I had an idea and I executed it.
It made me think a bit about what Lucas Kim had said. Maybe I could scale this up? Build a bigger and better model? Help more people in a more fulsome way? I loved the law, and I loved solving problems. Could I pivot and use my powers for good?
It was worth thinking about. I had never seen myself as the do-gooder type, but I was beginning to feel a pull toward public service. Maybe it was my mother’s influence or maybe it was Declan or Havenport, but spinning around this dance floor with the man I had fallen in love with, the world suddenly felt so big and so exciting. Brimming with possibilities. I had faced my fears. Not only had I shown up here with my head held high, but I had told Declan how I felt. I felt liberated. All the old anger and bile that lived within me was gone. I was ready for whatever came next.
* * *
I left Declan speaking to one of the partners about boats while I hit the ladies’ room. Turns out he had a lot in common with the high-end lawyer crowd—they all loved boats and he was definitely an expert. I ended up chatting with a former colleague who had moved to the DA’s office and got a bit turned around on the way back to the party.
I found myself in a long hallway which I thought led to the ballroom, but apparently led to some unused conference spaces. I was heading back to the ladies’ room when I felt his presence.
“What do you want, Max?” I turned around and there he was, stalking me like prey.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Astrid? I am not going to tolerate your little games.”
I glared at him. “Leave me alone, Max. You’ve done enough damage.”
“Damage? Talk about damage. I know you filed a complaint against me. And I know you got that bitch Monica to file one too.”
He grabbed me by the arm.
