Page 88 of Finding You
I exhaled. Yup. I knew it. This was what I had been expecting, and I was prepared.
I forced myself to sound cheerful. “That’s great news, Astrid.” I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching out to her again. I wanted to touch her so badly, but I knew I couldn’t.
She walked over to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. I steeled myself for what was coming next.
“When do you start?” I asked.
“I haven’t said yes,” she replied, looking confused.
I walked over and stood at the opposite side of the kitchen island, bracing for impact. “But we both know you will.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to say,” she said, crossing her arms.
“Yes, you do.” I hated myself for doing this. Pushing her. But I knew I had to. What could I offer her? She had told me herself that she could not focus on her career and have a long-distance boyfriend as well. I didn’t want her to give up her dreams for me.
“Don’t put words in my mouth and thoughts in my head, Declan. I’m trying to figure everything out right now.”
“There’s nothing to figure out. You have to go back. You have such a bright future ahead of you.” It was the truth. Astrid was brilliant and dedicated and could change the world.
And she deserved to be with someone like that, a man at her level. Someone who could give her the life she deserved. I was tied to this town and this region. Hell, I was tied to the ocean. She had a future filled with things I could only imagine or watch in a movie.
We had a good thing. She was incredible, and I could never feel this away about another woman. But I had to do the right thing. My parents taught me to be honorable and selfless, and this felt like a moment where I had to heed those lessons and make them proud. Deep down, I knew I was being more cowardly than honorable, but I brushed that aside. Yes, I was an asshole. And yes, I was mansplaining her life to her. But I knew what was coming. I could see the future, and it seemed better to do this now.
She smacked the countertop, and I saw her nostrils flare. Astrid was like a charging bull when she got mad. I was glad the sledgehammer wasn’t around. “Declan, I don’t want to go back. I want to be here with you.”
I was desperate for these words, desperate for reassurance. But I knew it wasn’t enough. “It would be selfish of me to keep you here,” I pleaded. “We both know you are too smart and too ambitious for this town and this life.”
She stood perfectly still, staring at me with complete confusion. I had to make her understand.
“Look around,” I said. “This is who I am. I am a fisherman. My life is the ocean and my boats and my company. This house, which I built myself, and Ginger. This is the entirety of my existence.” It was true. I couldn’t offer her much. Havenport was great, but it wasn’t Boston or New York, or any other big city brimming with opportunities. “And if I thought I would be good for you I would give it all up. I would cut my hair and shave and try to be the corporate man of your dreams. But we both know that there is nothing I could do that wouldn’t hold you back. You need your focus. You need to give yourself to these opportunities. You are getting the second chance you wanted. And you’re doing it on your terms.”
“I don’t think I want a second chance with them.” She looked at me with her chilly intensity. Her voice was calm and measured.
I knew I was digging my own grave. “You took on the firm and the boys’ club and you won. That asshole is gone because of you. You didn’t just slink away in shame. You stood up for yourself and the women who came before you and the others who will come after you. You earned this chance.”
Her spine was straight, and her gaze was steely. “Declan, I have no idea what I want to do right now. I am confused and still processing everything that has happened. I came over here to share my exciting news with you, not to receive a lecture about my future.” She took a breath and continued. “I don’t think I want to go back. I want to be here, in Havenport, with you.”
As she grew calmer and more controlled, I felt my blood pressure going up. Why wasn’t she getting this? Why was she making everything so difficult?
“What about Lucas Kim?” she asked calmly. “I told you I wanted to explore my options working with him.”
“What about him, Astrid?” The calmer she got the more unreasonable I became. “The engagement party was weeks ago. Have you called him? Have you made any moves to further the next stage of your career? No. Because we both know you’ve been waiting. We both know what you really want.”
At this point I was too far gone. I was angry, scared, and frustrated, and fully taking it out on her. “If you wanted me, this place, something new, you would be pursuing it. Because if I know one thing about you, Astrid, it’s that you go after what you want. You are tenacious. So if you wanted this, if you wanted me, it would be clear. There would be no confusion.”
“That’s not fair. I have been through a lot, and I’ve had the threat of a felony conviction hanging over my head for the past few weeks. I didn’t know if I would be disbarred, for Christ’s sake. I’m so sorry I didn’t work out a new ten-year plan to your satisfaction.” Her voice was so icy, so controlled, it cut through me like a knife.
I didn’t want her hanging around because of me and then hating me because I kept her from everything she wanted. I knew I loved her. But I also knew I had to step aside.
She walked toward me, and I knew if she touched me I’d be done for. All my self-control would crumble and I’d beg her to stay here forever. “Declan, I love you,” she said softly.
I put up my hand. “I am so grateful to have met you, Astrid. What we had was crazy and explosive and intense. We should part as friends and enjoy what we had.”
“Had?” Her face turned stony. “Past tense? So this is already over? I don’t get a say at all?”
I knew I was messing this up and hurting her. But I didn’t know how to make her see sense here. She had to know that this wouldn’t last long term. And a clean break now and an amicable parting would prevent so much heartbreak later. I didn’t want to hurt her more than I had to.
“So you have nothing to say?” She put a hand on her hip and I began to sweat. She was an incredible interrogator. If I wasn’t so terrified and angry I’d be turned on. “Don’t pull this noble martyr bullshit with me, Declan Quinn. You can’t tell me what to do.”
