Page 89 of Finding You
“I’m not telling you. I’m just stepping aside so you don’t have to feel bad about doing what you want to do.”
“You have no idea what I want.”
“Really? Then tell me. You want a life here? In a small town with me, a dumb fisherman? It’s been fun for you—watching TV and playing with my dog—I get that. But it’s not forever. This was a vacation for you. A break from reality. It wasn’t real.”
“How dare you? This has been more real than anything I’ve ever experienced.”
“You don’t get it. We are done. I’m not going to trap you here so you can be bored and miserable. You will resent me and hate me and hate this town. Go back to the city. Go back to your law firm. You are an incredible woman, and you can achieve incredible things. I will not be the one to hold you back.”
Her eyes flashed with fury. “This is insane. You realize you are being a total dick right now. Whether or not I go back is my decision and has no bearing on my relationship with you. I love you and I want to be with you regardless of where I work.”
“You said yourself you couldn’t do both. You couldn’t climb the ladder and be with me.”
“That was then. This is now. Everything has changed, Declan. My relationship with my career, my relationship with you, even my relationship with myself. Everything is different now and I am just trying to figure it out. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing, but I want to be with you.”
My heart was aching and my brain was spinning. I would give anything to say yes and hold her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be amazing. But I knew it wasn’t the truth. And Astrid deserved better.
Her icy facade began to crumble as tears ran down her cheeks. “Support me. Let’s work through everything as a team. Don’t decide what’s best for me and then dismiss me like I mean nothing to you.”
I looked at her teary face and felt my heart crack open in my chest. “I can’t do that, Astrid.”
36
DECLAN
The minute Astridleft my house I regretted it, and days later, I was still disgusted with myself. How had I spoken to her like that? How could I have pushed her away?
And I wasn’t the only one. Ginger was confused and kept pacing around looking out the picture window toward Astrid’s cottage. “It’s no use, Ginger,” I told her. “She moved out last weekend.” Emily had come by with her SUV and helped her get all her stuff. We briefly made eye contact through the window, and Emily flipped me the bird. Guess I deserved it.
So she was gone. And everything sucked. But at least I knew she was back where she belonged. As much as I knew she was hurt, I hoped that it would be temporary and she would be busy and back to kicking ass in no time. I had even reached out a few times via text, as a friend, but she hadn’t responded. She probably blocked my number. It was for the best. I bet she was doing great.
And me? I was not exactly killing it. I wanted to be at peace with my actions, but I wasn’t. Doubt crept in, inch by inch, until I was drowning in it. I regretted everything about what had happened and was currently wallowing in my loneliness.
To say I missed Astrid was an understatement. I ached for her. I missed her presence, her conversation, her sense of humor. Astrid’s beauty was just part of her appeal. I fell for her attitude. She was self-assured and aloof, and it was clear she did not give a shit about what anyone thought about her. She was cool and impassive, and I desperately wanted to know what she was thinking at all times. She could sit silently and observe everything. If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn she was a spy. Nothing escaped her meticulous attention to detail. I found myself replaying conversations we had, memories we shared, over and over again.
I was resigned to being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. I worked and lay on my couch drinking scotch, because it reminded me of Astrid. Rare, earthy, and an acquired taste. Fuck, I missed her.
Thankfully, everyone left me alone—except for my brothers, who insisted I show up in person to our Tuesday night meeting at the brewery. It was the last place I wanted to go, but I was committed to launching our business, and if I didn’t they would probably try to show up at my house.
I walked through the door, a few minutes early for our six p.m. meeting, hoping to keep a low profile. Unfortunately that was impossible for the Quinn brothers. “Cal, look who decided to show up?” Liam shouted over the taps.
Callum turned around and took one look at me and winced. I knew I was not my best, but he wasn’t exactly helping.
“Where’s Ginger?” Liam asked. “I bought her some cookies from that fancy dog bakery downtown.” Poor Liam had been trying to win Ginger over for years, and she wasn’t having it. No amount of fancy cookies would change that.
“She didn’t want to come,” I replied, taking a seat at the bar. “She hates me.”
“Dude, she’s a dog. She doesn’t hate you.”
I looked Cal dead in the eye. “She peed in my shoes last night. I went to put them on this morning and got a big surprise.”
“Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she had to go?” Liam offered.
“If you really think that then you don’t know my dog.” I knew Ginger. We had been through a lot together. And she was mad at me. I knew why. I was mad at myself. I deserved to have my shoes peed in.
“Fair enough.”
Liam slid a beer across the bar to me. “So are you going to tell us what happened?”
