Page 96 of Finding You
“Correct. Poor Declan only has his brothers. And although there is a lot of handsome there, there’s not a ton of emotional intelligence,” Maggie added.
“Bingo,” Cece shouted. “So let’s put our heads together, ladies. It’s time to plan.”
* * *
Predictably, my mother had not taken my decision well. When she invited me to lunch I knew it would be tense and I knew it would be miserable, but I couldn’t have predicted just how nasty she would get.
Thankfully, we were in her chambers, so I didn't have to worry about making a scene at a restaurant. I almost threw my SweetGreen salad at her when she accused me of giving up my career for a man. She didn’t care that I was heartbroken. Didn’t care that I had been assaulted. Something inside me snapped, and I just let loose.
I unleashed all of the hurt, all of the disappointment, and all the sadness I had been holding inside me for years. I told her that I would never be like her, loveless and cruel. It was hurtful, but I couldn't help it. I was done with her constant criticism and the unrelenting pressure to live up to some impossible ideal. I needed to be free to live on my own terms, and I made sure she knew it.
I headed back to my apartment, feeling weary. I wanted to put on some sweatpants and cry for the next few hours. I wished I was back at Aunt Connie’s cottage, sipping tea and watching the waves crash over the rocks. I walked off the elevator, desperate to get out of my uncomfortable shoes, and found my sledgehammer propped up against my door. There was a note taped to it in a familiar scrawl.Oh shit.
I dragged the sledgehammer into my apartment, propping it up next to my coatrack, and stared at the letter. I was overcome with the need to read it and hear his words and also the desire to set it on fire and be done with all the heartbreak. Instead I placed it on the counter while I collected my thoughts.
After losing the uncomfortable clothes and my bra and gaining a large glass of Pinot Noir, I sat down and opened the envelope, bracing myself for the impact of what lay inside.
Astrid,
I am so sorry. I know you don't want to talk to me, but there are things I need to tell you. I love you and I miss you and I shouldn’t have pushed you away. That night at the gala I got spooked. First, I let your mom get to me. Her words were cruel but she wasn’t wrong. I am not good enough for you. But I realize now that I could be. And I want the chance to prove it to you.
Second, I still blame myself for what happened to you. The caveman part of my brain just wants to protect you and keep you safe forever. I was so overcome with rage at Max and what happened to you, I wasn't thinking straight. I blamed myself and felt like I failed you as a man. I am still tortured by what happened to you. The thought of that prick putting his hands on you makes me see red.
I know you probably hate me and don’t want to see me again. But I just had to tell you how sorry I am. I had no right to tell you what you wanted. I had no right to take away your power and your agency like that. And although I’m the idiot that pushed you away, I am also the idiot who is trying to do the work to be worthy of you. I have a long way to go, but I won’t stop trying.
No matter what happens, never give up the fight. For yourself, for others, and for justice. It’s your superpower and the world needs you.
Love,
Declan
It was a gut punch. I could ignore his calls and texts, but I couldn’t ignore this. My stupid pathetic heart wouldn't let me.
I missed him desperately and wanted nothing more than to go back to him immediately. But he hurt me and rejected me and tried to push me back into my old life. A life I hated. I hated Burns & Glenn, I hated this sterile apartment, and I hated feeling so lonely and empty without my friends. And I hated that he was there, and I was here.
I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him how I felt and what I wanted. He owed me that. But the past few weeks had taught me that I was in control of my own destiny. I was Astrid Wentworth. I never backed down from a challenge. And I always went after what I wanted. And, as angry and as hurt as I was, I wanted Declan Quinn.
38
DECLAN
I didn’t deservemy brothers. I could add them to the very long list of people I didn’t deserve. Liam and Cal had gone right to work, getting as much info as they could about Astrid. According to Liam, Cece had reported that Astrid was indeed back in Boston and very angry with me. Unsurprising but not exactly encouraging either.
The big game changer actually came from Callum. Apparently he had played basketball with Luke Kim over the weekend, and Luke had mentioned that he had been in contact with Astrid about some upcoming legal projects. My heart soared. Maybe there was a chance that she wanted this life after all? It made me realize I needed to do some housekeeping of my own. If Astrid could go after what she really wanted professionally, I should be able to do the same.
“Thanks for meeting me.” The Captain paced around my office in his usual uniform of Carhartts and a flannel shirt.
“No problem, son. Getting out of the house around lunchtime means I don’t have to deal with your mother force-feeding me lentils again.”
I clapped him on the shoulder. “You look good, Dad.”
He rolled his eyes. He would eat tree bark if my mother told him to, and we both knew it. He sat down on the couch and looked out at the view of the harbor. The skies were clear, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the hustle and bustle of a commercial harbor.
I turned to him, gathering my courage. “Dad, it’s time,” I said softly.
He nodded, not taking his gaze off the horizon. “I know.”
I held up a folder. “Did you look at the business plans I sent over last week?” I had prepared and delivered a massive written proposal, outlining my business plans for the next five years. It was all there—budgets, revenue projections, equipment upgrades, and strategic changes. “You worked hard and built something significant. This is how I am going to preserve and improve on your legacy.”
