Page 107 of Wood Riddance
I sat back and heaved a sigh of relief once he was out of my sight. Then I reached for the trash can, just in case. What the hell was going on with me?
Pushing my chair back a couple of inches, I pulled open my desk drawers, one at a time, searching for more mints to hide my vomit breath. When I pulled open the bottom drawer to my left, the box of tampons caught my eye. The sight of them brought the nausea rushing right back, and I dove for the trash can.
No. Not possible.
* * *
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
I adjusted my baseball cap so it sat lower on my head. I had driven all the way to Heartsborough, but now I wished I’d kept going. This town wasn’t all that far from Lovewell, and it was almost as tiny. There was a chance I would be recognized here. Especially because of my height and the coveralls I should have changed out of. But I hadn’t been in my right mind when I rushed out of the shop.
But Ihaddone the math.
And puked some more. I was a week late. For me, that was enough to throw up red flags. Add in the nausea and the vomiting and the constant exhaustion, and there was no denying that something was up.
So here I was, in the drugstore, buying one of every brand of pregnancy test.
My heart pounded and bile rose in my esophagus as I shuffled to the counter.
The sweet older woman behind the old-fashioned register wore glasses on a beaded chain and had a very aggressive perm. She gave me a kind smile and rang up my purchases, which also included antacids, grape soda, and hair elastics.
I tried to school my features. I went for calm and collected rather than completely unhinged, but I’d never had much of a poker face. The poor woman probably thought I was a serial killer.
“Good luck, dear,” she said gently as I stepped away from the register.
I rushed outside, desperate to be alone again, and promptly retched all over the sidewalk.
He-Man snuggled against my arm on the center console the entire ride home, as if sensing how miserable I was. My mind was blank. I was so dumbstruck that it took all my mental strength to focus on driving.
At home, I considered not even bothering. Did I really want to know? Surely there was another explanation for these symptoms. Eventually, though, I pinched the bridge of my nose and tore open the first test.Okay. Pee on stick, wait three minutes. Easy enough.
My stomach churned as I paced the bathroom. I was on birth control. That shit was supposed to work, damn it.
And I wasn’t sure how to even feel. I was thirty-three, owned a home, had a stable, healthy income and close family nearby. Pregnancy was not a tragedy. In fact, I’d always wanted a family. The timing wasn’t great, but I’d always seen children in my future.
If only it were so easy. Because this thing with Finn had evolved from enemies with benefits to a complex and intense and incredible relationship. But we hadn’t even gone public yet. And although what we had was feeling more and more like forever, there was no guarantee.
A baby, however, was forever. A link between us, between our families.
The alarm on my phone beeped, startling me so badly I jumped. Taking a deep breath and willing my heart to settle, I shuffled back to the counter.
Two lines. Positive.
And tears. Lots of them.
Wild sobs burst from my lungs and endless tears streamed down my face. My body shuddered so severely with each round that I dropped to the tile floor and hugged my knees to my chest.
I cried for me. Because I’d fallen for someone I might not get to keep. For Finn, because he loved being a father more than anything. And I cried for this baby, who I already loved deeply, if that was possible, because he or she would be born into this shit show.
I didn’t want to have to choose between Finn and my family. Because I’d choose him and our baby every single time. And the thought of losing my brothers and my mom, after everything we’d been through over the last few years, was crippling.
And so I cried. He-Man curled up in my lap, quietly comforting me as my tears fell, dampening his fur.
This was a clusterfuck of my own creation. Maybe if I’d been honest earlier, if I’d been brave enough to confront the truth—that I was falling in love with him—and had told my family, I wouldn’t have to lose any of them.
But everything was different now. And I had to get it together for the sake of this baby. I wasn’t perfect. Finn wasn’t perfect. But this was happening. And I would do it right.
But I couldn’t do it alone.
