Page 83 of Wood Riddance
“So we’ve talked about my shit,” he said. “Time to talk about yours.”
I gripped my coffee mug and held it to my chest. “No thanks.”
He leaned over the counter, kissing me gently on the lips. “Yes. We’re doing this, She-Ra. Relationship, exclusivity, intimacy of the physicalandemotional variety.” He winked and pulled back to plate the eggs. “So tell me what makes you hesitant about agreeing to be my girlfriend. Is it the term? Too juvenile? I’d suggest wife, but you’d run out of here in my shirt.” He licked his bottom lip and grinned. “I’m open to whatever label makes you happy.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. It was so like him not to let me get away with anything. Our physical intimacy was phenomenal, but I wasn’t so good at the emotional kind. The only person I was really vulnerable with was Parker, and that was still relatively new and took a concerted effort.
But watching him now, so open and interested in me, and after the ways he’d let me in already—about Merry and his insecurities when comparing himself with Mike, not to mention the toll his dad’s crimes had taken on him—I had to try. He’d earned my trust and deserved the reciprocation.
“I’m not ready to be in a relationship,” I said.
He didn’t respond, but maintained eye contact and gently squeezed my hand.
Blowing out a breath, I tightened my ponytail. Why was this so hard? “I’m still not okay. I haven’t been since my dad died. According to my therapist, I haven’t processed my grief. My brothers all seem to be moving forward with their lives, but I’m stuck.”
Finn tilted his head and gave me a small smile. “These things take time—”
“No.” I interrupted him. He didn’t get it. This wasn’t run-of-the-mill grief. This was bigger and darker and impossible to shake. “It was my fault,” I confessed. “Those were my trucks. Henri and my dad. Every single day, visions of those moments take shape in my mind. When I close my eyes to fall asleep, I see it, over and over again.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
I shook my head, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. “My trucks. My responsibility. I keep hundreds of people alive every day. It’s my only job. I’m just the mechanic.”
“Adele,” he urged, coming around the counter. With an arm banded around me, he spun me until we were face to face. “You are so much more than a mechanic. You’re the goddamn conductor of an orchestra. I’ve never seen anyone as capable and as smart as you are, and I was a member of an elite military unit. Terrible things happened, yes, but you are not responsible.”
I ducked my head because the tears were flowing now. Great. We’d had mind-blowing sex, and now I was weeping over eggs and coffee. Any second now, he’d rescind that offer of girlfriend status.
“We know who did it, and they’re going to jail. It won’t bring him back, and that sucks, but you’ve got to let go of this. Forgive yourself.”
“No,” I said, straightening my spine and tipping my chin up. Fuck hiding my tears. “I can’t. Not until I know who tampered with Henri’s truck. I can’t let my guard down. The past few years have been terrifying. My world has been crumbling around me. I’m constantly waiting and watching for the next disaster.”
He squeezed my shoulder and brought his forehead to mine. “Hyper-vigilance is a common trauma response.”
With a snort, I backed up and wiped at my tears. “Tell that to Paz. If you saw his basement, you wouldn’t think I’m the vigilant one in the family.”
He didn’t laugh. He didn’t say a word. Instead, he picked me up and carried me to the soft leather couch and nestled me on his lap. I buried my head in his chest and gave in to my tears once again.
“I’m here,” he said softly, stroking my hair. “And you can tell me anything.”
How was it possible to feel so safe with him? My enemy. A man I hated, distrusted.
But that wasn’t even true. In hindsight, it was obvious that I had been projecting all my shit onto him. And the noble asshole had taken all of it. Now, he was holding me, protecting me from the world and my own guilt.
“How can I go on living my life, searching for happiness and continuing to be productive, when danger still exists?” I hiccuped.
He hummed, the sound vibrating through his chest. “It’s not exactly the same, but a lot of soldiers experience this too. Combat mentality. You’re so used to being in the shit, to having to watch your back twenty-four seven, that life outside the war zone feels unreal.”
He wasn’t wrong. Most days, I forced myself to go through the motions. But I kept my guard up while the people around me lived their lives. It was only with Finn that I could lower those defenses and allow myself to exist.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’ve got your back. These feelings are real and valid. And if you need to know what happened to Henri in order to move on, then we’ll figure it out together.”
I pulled back and searched his face, feeling truly seen for the first time in my life.
He wasn’t calling me paranoid or crazy or questioning my assessment of the brakes like everyone else I had expressed my concerns to. No, without question, Finn was accepting me and supporting me.
For a little while longer, I let him hold me, taking solace in his strong arms. All the while, though, I tried to ignore the very real possibility that I was deeply in danger of falling in love with this man.
Chapter26
