Page 125 of Caught in the Axe
“Good.”
“And not that you care, but I’m going to therapy now. Debbie is kicking my ass, and I’m owning my shit and working to fix it.”
“I do care. You’re my brother.”
“Half brother. I know you all hate me. It’s because of me your parents got divorced.”
“Stop,” I said. “No one blames you. That was Dad. And my mom was way better off without him anyway.” I could feel the guilt rising in my chest. I hadn’t always been themost welcoming to Cole, mainly because of my own jealousy about my father’s attention as well as our nine-year age difference. He’d grown up with the twins, and I always assumed that, after thirty years, we’d let all this shit go. Apparently not.
“Your birth was a wonderful thing to come out of our father’s terrible behavior. And you’re a huge pain in the ass, but you’re one of us.”
He nodded and kept staring at the stars. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke again.
“I know you think you had it hard because Dad ignored you. But it was no picnic being his favorite either. The constant pressure, the put-downs, the need to be the hockey star son who made him look good.”
I hadn’t really considered that. I’d always just assumed Cole was a privileged brat my dad threw money and attention at because he was a talented athlete.
He kicked at the gravel. “I had no one. I was alone with him. My mom didn’t care, and all he did was scream at me, tell me what a loser I was, and push me to train harder.
“He used to wake me up at five and make me shoot a thousand pucks before going to school. And I did it. I did it to please him and make him proud. And it wasn’t like I was good at anything else.”
I put my hand on his shoulder, the guilt of being older and wiser and missing all of this weighing on me. “You’re a lot more than hockey, Cole.”
He shrugged my hand away. “Easy for you to say. You’ve got degrees and a whole life you’ve built for yourself. I had hockey, but I wasn’t good enough. Couldn’t handle thepressure, keep my mind focused, train instead of party. Nope, I fucked it up good.” He sniffled.
Dammit, he was crying. God, now I felt even worse. I’d been so hard on him, and I’d said and thought such unkind things.
“I drove Lila away in the process. But that’s the only good thing to come out of this. Because now she’s gonna go to school and live in the city and have the life she always wanted.”
I put my arm around his shoulders, which was difficult, as he was a lot taller than me. “We’re all fucked up,” I told him. “Dad did a number on us. But we’re all we’ve got. I don’t hate you, and I don’t want you to hate me. You’ve fucked up, but things can be fixed, and I’m your brother. I’m here to help you.”
We stood there, facing the forest, as he cried. And I let him. I couldn’t fix the past, and neither could he, but standing there in the cold, I realized that I didn’t have to keep living in the past. I didn’t have to carry all this anger around with me anymore. I could make my peace and let it go.
“Anyway.” He wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. “Lila came to me and told me about you two. I was really shitty to her.”
Another spark of anger flared up inside me, but I smothered it.
“We were never right for each other. We were just kids trying to figure ourselves out. I was a terrible partner.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “Seeing her face when she talked about you, though? I could tell that you’re good for her.”
That was incredibly generous of him. I was furious that he’d been such an ass to Lila, but whatever she said must have stuck with him, because I’d never seen him so contrite and accountable.
“But.” He turned and glared at me, drawing up to his full height. “Just because we’re over doesn’t mean I won’t step in if you hurt her.”
“I would never hurt her,” I snapped. But could I even make that promise? She’d been so upset with me when I offered to pay for school. And I’d brushed her concerns off instead of validating her. Cole wasn’t the only one who needed to do better.
“She deserves good things, Owen. I’m trusting you to do right by her.”
I gave him a solemn nod. “I will. I swear.”
We stood for a few more minutes before the cold started to get to me. I elbowed him. “Let’s go to bed. Gus will have us up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.”
By five, I was already guzzling my second cup of coffee. Gus appeared and clapped me on the back, bright-eyed, like he lived for this shit.
And I supposed he did. This was Gus in his element, at his best.
Out here, he was a natural leader and strategist. He commanded a lot of respect. I’d had to leave Lovewell to figure out who I was. Gus only had to come out to the woods.
