Page 52 of Caught in the Axe
I blinked once, then again, and the world around me came into focus a little. Willing myself to be here in this moment, I studied her beautiful eyes. They weren’t blue, and they weren’t gray or green. They were a color somewhere in between. One that was truly unique. Just like her.
She licked her lips and pressed her hands to my skin a little more firmly. “Are you claustrophobic?”
I nodded, still focused on her eyes. Even in the semi-darkness, the flecks of gold were visible. So was every freckle across the bridge of her nose and a tiny scar at the corner of her top lip.
Seeing Lila had never been the problem. I’d look at her all day if it wouldn’t make me a lunatic. But seeing her like this, her eyes filled with concern but without an ounce of pity, made my mind spin out even further.
She pulled me in and squeezed me tight. The feel of her heart beating against mine was like a beacon, guiding me.
“Just breathe,” she said, her hold still firm. “I’m going to call Gus and have him come get us out. Okay?”
I nodded, forcing myself to focus on the warmth of her body against mine and the comfort her tight embrace imbued while she spoke into the phone. Then she was quiet again, releasing me but not taking her hands off me. With soothing instructions, she guided me to sit against the shelves.
“Gus will be here in five minutes. Just stay with me.” She crawled into my lap and put her arms around my neck, pulling me close.
I clung to her, my anchor, and breathed. I closed my eyes and let the feel of Lila wash over me. The warmth of her body, the weight of her in my arms, made this awful moment a tiny bit easier.
All I had to do was breathe.
Gus had shown up quickly and had taken the entire door apart with relative ease.
I’d barely made it into my makeshift office when the adrenaline wore off and I crashed. With a groan, I collapsed on the old loveseat and closed my eyes. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was there.
Lila, her face a mask of concern, appeared a few moments later, armed with snacks, water, and tea.
Gus, who’d witnessed this before, had wanted to take me home, but I promised them I was fine. I still had work to do.
“Can you tell me what happened in there?” She handed me a paper cup filled with tea and sat down next to me on the small loveseat. “Please don’t be embarrassed. We all havestuff we’re dealing with. And it makes me feel better, actually. All this time, I thought you were some kind of emotionless robot.” She turned to face me, wearing a smile.
“Wow. Thanks.”
“I mean it. You’re so buttoned-up and professional. You never raise your voice, you never get flustered, and you’re always in control.”
I took a sip of tea and relished the way it warmed me as it slid down my throat.
If only she knew. If only she knew the thoughts that ran through my head. I was not in control. Especially around her.
“I’m claustrophobic.” I left it at that while I debated how much to tell her.
Beside me, she watched me with so much concern written on her beautiful face. It made it impossible to hold back. The desire for her to know me, to understand at least a little of my history, was overwhelming.
And so I took another slow sip of tea, settled into the loveseat, and talked.
“I was always a disappointment to my dad.” I cleared my throat, searching for the words. I’d never talked about this with anyone but my therapist. “I can’t remember a time when he was proud of me. He wanted the Hebert boys to be athletic, dominant, macho. Like a true narcissist, he didn’t see us as individuals, but rather as an extension of his fucked-up ego.”
Her lips turned down, and she squeezed my knee. “That’s so awful.”
I shrugged. I’d gotten used to it long ago. “After my parents got divorced, we’d stay with him for weekends oncein a while, mostly Gus and me, since we were older. One time, when I was nine, he and Uncle Paul wanted to take us hunting, but I refused. The last thing I wanted to do was kill a deer.”
She scooted a little closer, and her arm brushed mine. “I don’t blame you.”
“Dad was furious. Called me all kinds of awful names because I didn’t want to kill an innocent animal.” I swallowed past the dread that was welling up inside me. “Then he locked me in the woodshed.”
“Are you fucking serious?” she shouted, going ramrod straight. “That’s child abuse.”
“It was November, and so damn cold. He left me out there all night. The building wasn’t all that small, but it felt like a tomb. It was infested with mice, and during the warmer months, it was full of spiders.” My body went rigid at the memories. “I remember not being able to breathe and then shivering so hard I couldn’t stand up.”
Lila put her arm around me, pulling me close. I buried my face in her neck and inhaled. Even thirty years later, I could feel the fear that had overtaken me that night. The smells, the sounds, the cold air against my clammy skin.
