Page 57 of Caught in the Axe
“Every school you applied to.” Willa shook her head, grinning. “We knew you could do it.” She was toasting with a Diet Coke from an on-call room at the hospital.
Magnolia was wearing a leopard-print silk robe and petting one of her cats. The villain in a James Bond movie look was typical for her.
“Are you planning to visit any of the campuses?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. I’m waiting for the financial aid packages. If any of them offer something really amazing, I’ll consider it. But nothing short of a full ride and being crowned queen of the universe would keep me fromNew York.”
Despite my acceptance into several excellent schools, I was sticking to my plan.
“We are going to live it up, ladies,” Willa declared, stifling a yawn.
“Why are you so sleepy?” Magnolia teased. “Long night with your boy toy?”
Willa pretended to dry heave. “No. Just the chief riding me. The charting is never-ending, and she wants me to be harder on the first years during rounds. So now I’ve got to prepare extra hard and get comfortable being a little meaner.”
“At least you’re kind of getting laid,” Magnolia complained. Her shoulders slumped, but an instant later, she perked up again, startling her cat, who jumped off her lap. “Lila,” she sang, “are you banging your hot boss yet?”
My face flamed before I could look away from the camera. Even so, I went with it, pretending to be occupied by the stack of random papers on my nightstand. There was no way I was getting into this right now. I was still in recovery from kissing Owen.
That moment was all I could think about. The crush of his lips, the strength of his hands, the way he’d pushed me back against the wall. The thoughts were plentiful and all-consuming, each one dirtier and raunchier and more fun than the last.
I wasn’t inexperienced, but I wasn’t particularly experienced either.
I’d lost my virginity to Cole when I was nineteen after I’d deliberately waited, and only after taking every precaution. Being the daughter of a teen mom meant I’d spent mylife being reminded of the need for birth control. Double birth control at that.
So I waited. Because I was a good girl and I’d internalized the misogynistic views that drowned out all the rest. The ones that said I should save myself and not experiment. The ones that assured me that being inexperienced and not understanding sex was an attractive quality to men.
“You know we can read you like a book. May as well come clean.”
My stomach lurched. Dammit. I scrunched up my face, trying to keep the secret, but there was no use. I told my best friends everything, so it would come out eventually. “Owen and I kissed,” I sighed, keeping my head down and picking at a piece of lint on my comforter. “It was really hot, and now I’m confused and horny and did I mention confused?”
When silence ensued, I forced myself to look up. Both of my friends were gaping at me, slack-jawed.
“Well done.” Magnolia put her glass down and clapped so loud, the sound coming through the speakers made me cringe. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“I’m in over my head, guys. I’m feeling things and thinking things, and he’s this successful older guy. He’s probably been with dozens of women, and I’m just a lame small-town girl who mauled him with her mouth.”
Willa shook her head. “You are none of those things and, given the shade of your cheeks, he kissed you back and kissed you back good.”
I nodded, my cheeks flaming hotter. “I feel like such an inexperienced kid around him.”
“You know,” Magnolia mused, “I think all that virginity purity shit is just an excuse for men to be bad at sex.”
“What do you mean?” Willa had waited even longer than I had. She was a textbook good girl, but in recent years had loosened up a bit.
“Think about it. If you save yourself for your husband, then you won’t know he’s lousy in bed and he never has to work to get any better.”
Willa’s eyes went wide and her mouth formed anO. “It’s the patriarchy’s way of denying us pleasure!”
“Preach, sister,” Magnolia shouted, sloshing liquid over the rim of her martini glass.
All my life, I’d assumed that I wasn’t a sexual person. And I was mostly okay with it. I had many other interests and attributes. Especially given my friends’ experiences, it had never really been important to me.
After Cole and I ended, I’d taken advantage of my single status and hooked up with a few guys.
The sex had been fine and relatively uneventful, but it had felt like a necessary step. To help move away from the compliant, complacent Lila and closer to a woman who did what, and whom, she wanted.
The experience had broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the reality that sex was more than I’d ever understood. Still, I hadn’t felt the urge in a while. Despite my toy collection, courtesy of Magnolia, I didn’t have much of a sex drive. It was probably a result of living with my mom and working constantly.
