Page 109 of Pain in the Axe
When we broke into murmurs and nods, she opened up a Zoom window.
“Uncle Owen, are you guys there?”
Owen and his fiancée, Lila, appeared on screen, waving at us from what looked like a very luxurious Boston condo.
“Enjoy,” Merry said, pressing play on a video.
We were all craning our necks and squinting at the screen. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing at first, but quickly, it became clear that it was Finn driving a pickup truck, towing what looked like a very old Airstream trailer behind it.
And then Adele came out of the house wearing Thor in a baby sling. She was all smiles as she approached the camper.
Merry increased the volume, and everyone around me gasped.
Finn dropped to one knee, gesturing to the Airstream, and then Adele was hauling him up to his feet and throwing her arms around her neck.
“She said yes,” Finn said, pumping his fist.
“He brought me a hunk of garbage to fix up,” Adele said with a roll of her eyes and a wide smile. “I had to say yes to the only man who would know I’d want a project more than a ring.”
He tipped to one side and kissed her
The small gesture made my heart squeeze. Their little family was happy and whole. I wanted that too. My own little family. Our own weird quirks and traditions.
“Well done, Merry,” Gus said.
She beamed. “Dad and I had it all planned out.”
The brothers were all on their feet—Debbie too—hugging and congratulating the happy couple.
Gus gave my hand a squeeze
Instead of joy, I was flooded with nausea. Shit.
Owen and Lila were cheering on the screen, sneaking kisses. The people in this room were all grins and back slaps and joyous teasing. They had all come so far since Mitch’s arrest. I was happy for Gus and his siblings, but I couldn’t shake the sense that this wasn’t the type of happy ending I’d be getting.
Maybe it was my cynicism, or a suddenly developed inferiority complex, but as I sat, observing the moment, my anxiety spiked.
Though I felt off, I was happy to stay late. While we chatted and laughed and toasted the happy couple, I got to snuggle the baby one more time before we headed out.
“Would you like me to drop you off at home?” Gus asked. We’d been spending most nights together, and I had a bunch of stuff at his house. It was farther from work, but when I was there, a peacefulness I’d never found anywhere else always washed over me. When he stayed at my place, he’d bring Clementine, who loved barking at the loons on the lake in the morning.
Though he asked if I wanted him to drop me off, he really meantwhere are we sleeping tonight?
“I think I need to be alone,” I said, my stomach churning. My body was on high alert. I hated the emotions that had me in a chokehold, but until I had some time to work through them, there was no shaking them loose.
In my periphery, his face fell. I refused to look at him. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment I knew would be shining in his eyes.
“Sure. Can we talk about what’s bothering you first?” His tone was gentle but firm.
What was I supposed to say to him?I’m freaking out because you love me and we’re having a baby and I’ve spent a long time feeling undeserving of love and family and happiness?
No. I just needed to go home, stew, and deal with my shit.
We pulled up in front of my house, and once he’d cut the engine, he reached over to take my hand.
Silently, he held on to me. Patiently waiting for an explanation.
“I’m terrified,” I finally admitted, my voice a whisper.
