Page 44 of Pain in the Axe
I roughed a hand down my face. “She hates me.”
“I don’t know what happened between you, but from what I’ve seen of her so far, she’s smart and fair. You’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time. Maybe it’s time to make a change.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that maybe you’re the problem. You’re marching around the woods, dwelling on shit that happened decades ago instead of focusing on what you can control.”
The look he gave me made it clear the conversation was over. It was time for me to shut up and let his words marinate in my brain. I had spent a lot of my life looking backward. Especially since my dad’s involvement in drug trafficking had come to light. But maybe it was time to look forward.
After five milesof hiking and a shower, I was feeling better.
I should have been sore and exhausted from our all-night sex-a-thon. I should have been frustrated by her coldness and the way she brushed me off.
Instead, I was feeling downright hopeful.
Because though she hid behind thick, protective armor, I’d seen the ache in those deep brown eyes when I shut the car door, and I’d seen all her internal conflicts play out on her face. She was feeling things. Complicated things. I had to let her walk away and process. But among all the swirling emotions was hope, along with a connection deeper than anything I’d ever felt before.
I stood on my back porch, coffee in hand, and surveyed the trees and the mountains surrounding me, letting the fresh air fill my lungs. This was my chance. But I had no idea how to seize it.
I’d been set in my ways for decades. Making the same unfulfilling choices over and over. Dreaming the same dreams until they no longer even mattered. Living my life on autopilot.
But what if there was another option? What if I could wake up tomorrow and do it all differently?
Because Sam was right. I was the problem here.
I was forty years old and arguably at a low point.
My father was in prison.
The family business I’d devoted my entire life to had just been sold.
And my family was fractured and split.
Twenty-four hours ago, I’d felt nothing but anger, but now my mission was becoming clear.
Last night, my heart had remembered how it felt to hold her. Her laugh had calmed me, and the warmth of her smile had lit me up inside.
We were older, sure, and she’d just purchased my family’s company, but what did that matter? I had been planning a cross-country move for months, but suddenly, all I could think about was feeling the way I felt when she was in my arms. I needed that again.
The muscle memory of being with her was still so strong.
In her proximity, I was happier than I ever remembered being. I felt like myself. When I was with her, I was the complete version of Gus Hebert. The way I was supposed to be.
Not the closed-off grump. Not the oldest child, the caretaker, or the workaholic who’d sacrificed everything for his family’s business.
Just Gus.
The Gus who hated fancy coffee drinks but drank them without complaint because she’d made them.
The Gus who’d checked out a book about constellations from the library so he could impress her with his knowledge of the night sky.
The Gus who woke up every morning knowing he’d found his purpose.
I didn’t need distance from Lovewell to get unstuck. I had to do that myself. Change was hard, but it was time. For so long, I’d assumed I only had one setting—the closed-off, grumpy workaholic who always put the company first.
I leaned back. I’d been telling myself lies. Evolution was possible, if only I could get over my own shit.
The thought of talking to her, getting to know who she’d become, just being in her orbit, was enough to shake loose all the hurt and anger and pain I’d been collecting over the years.
