Page 101 of Axe Backwards
Bernice stopped by and topped off our coffee. Thank God. I hadn’t had enough to run on all cylinders yet.
“I’m too sleep-deprived to be tactful, so I’m just gonna come out with it.” Finn rubbed his temples. “Are you staying? What’s your plan?”
I choked, and coffee dribbled down my chin. “Dude.”
“We’re getting attached to you two.” He smiled at Tess. “You can stay. You can build a life here.”
Over the past two months, we’d gotten comfortable here, but I was still treading water. I was still trying to figure out what the future would look like. What I’d do now that fighting wildfires was out of the question. My life had changed in almost every way.
But Lovewell was growing on me. Being near my family, watching Tess interact with her cousins and aunts and uncles and her doting grandma.
Not to mention Vic. Last night was a dream come true. It felt like an acknowledgment that we were doing something substantial. Special. Although she wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship, I couldn’t help but think it could become that. Once she had time to get used to it. And if I could get my shit together.
“I need a job.” It was the easiest nonanswer I could come up with. “And the prospects here aren’t great.”
“I’ve got lots of ideas.” He sat back and rubbed his hands together. “In fact, I’ve got a buddy in emergency response.”
That piqued my interest a little. “What’s that?”
“The Maine Emergency Management Agency. They handle natural disasters and nuclear emergencies. That kind of thing. Everyday stuff too. It’s the government agency that keeps people safe.”
With a sigh, I shook my head. “I’m probably not qualified.”
He straightened in his seat and sipped his coffee, unfazed by my dismissal of the idea. “It’s coordinating a response, setting strategies, and implementing them. That’s your thing.”
My stomach flipped over. Okay, he wasn’t exactly wrong.
“Last time I checked, your resume is stocked with certifications and training. And”—he looked up and to one side with a stupid smirk on his face—“oh yeah, years of field experience.”
Head tilted, I frowned at him. These days I wasn’t qualified to coordinate much of anything. And keeping people safe? That was the most essential part of the job I’d left behind, and I’d failed at it. Miserably.
He put his elbows on the table and leaned in. “Can I give you a tip? As your older brother?”
I shrugged, weighed down by a sense of defeat.
“You gotta grow. You gotta evolve. You’re a dad now, sure, and you’re putting your kid first, like you should. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up every part of yourself. You’ve got to set an example for Tess. Stretch, learn some new things.”
As I unrolled the napkin from around my silverware, I considered his words. I needed to do something. And at the very least, this sounded interesting.
“They’re looking for a regional director. Someone who can coordinate responses up here. Mountain search and rescue reports to them as well.”
I couldn’t help it. I sat up a little straighter.
Finn handed Thor another piece of bacon, and the little guy snagged it with ferocity. “I understand the need to be useful, to help and have a purpose. After I left the Navy, I spiraled hard.”
That was only a small part of it. I’d been on my own since the day I graduated from high school. As a kid, it always feltas though my skin was a size too small. I never fit in here in Lovewell the way my brothers did.
School was a challenge. It was a struggle to remain a solid C student. I’d hoped to go to the technical school in Heartsborough after I graduated, but my father had forbidden it. He was obsessed with the idea of his sons attending a four-year college. Maybe because he didn’t. Gus was the only one who wasn’t expected to follow that path. He had attended the technical school so he could quickly be Dad’s right-hand man at Hebert Timber.
But I knew I’d never make it. The thought of sitting in a classroom for hours every day for four more years made me itchy.
So I worked my ass off for Dad every summer and during the school year. Between the money I earned and the cash people had given me for graduation, I had enough to buy an old pickup. The week after school was out, I got in my truck and never looked back.
“Think back.” Finn leaned over and picked up the sippy cup Thor had dropped. “Why did you want to be a hotshot in the first place?”
Excitement, danger. A bunch of stupid reasons, really. Before I responded, I took a minute to really remember that first summer on my own. I drove west and camped all over. Visited a bunch of national parks and spent time considering what I wanted out of my life.
“I wanted to be outside.” My throat was tight with emotion. The memories that I’d stirred up were more powerful than I’d expected. “No, it wasn’t a want. It was a need. I knew I couldn’t work indoors.”
