Page 102 of Axe Backwards
He lowered his chin slowly. “I can see that.”
I nodded. “Mountains, rivers, trees. Unforgiving terrain away from the hustle and bustle. It’s what I needed. It’s still what Ineed. I love sharing it with Tess. I want her to have the kind of childhood we had. Running in the woods, swimming in the lake, and being surrounded by community.”
He raised an impressed brow. I was making his arguments for him at this point. “What else?”
I got to work cutting up Tess’s pancakes, keeping the plate far enough away that she couldn’t reach. “I want to be useful and help.”
Growing up, all five of my brothers were impressive. Capable, ambitious, and smart. I was the wild one, the stupid one who got in trouble because I couldn’t sit still. I kept that part to myself.
“I earned an associate’s degree in fire science. Then got into the US Forest Service training program. That was a three-thousand-hour ordeal. I went to Idaho, Oregon, Wyoming. Fought all kinds of fires and helped with hundreds of rescues.”
Those were wild days. We trained nonstop. The requirements were insane, like running up mountains wearing a weighted vest for hours, but I had a blast.
“I excelled at the chainsaw training.”
“Course you did. You’re a fourth-generation lumberjack.”
“Because of that, I was sent to earn a certification in engineering firebreaks, and that led to more strategy.”
“You loved it.” It was a statement, not a question.
I took a bite of my eggs Benedict. Fuck, it was good. “I used to love it. But once I hit thirty, things changed. Fire season keeps getting longer. For months, we’d travel and train with our crew, then we’d be deployed all over the Northwest. We pushed hard. Every day felt significant. We were saving people and homes and national parks. Preserving and battling mother nature.”
My brother hummed in acknowledgment. “She’s quite a fucking opponent.”
“But after what happened to Jack and Emily?” I looked down at my hands, guilt sweeping through me. “I lost my edge. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be brave. I can’t step up and save lives.”
Finn inhaled deeply, then let the breath out in a slow, heavy whoosh. “Respectfully, there are a lot of ways to be brave. The way you’ve stepped up for this little cutie.” He reached over and bopped Tess’s nose, making her giggle. “And fighting Jack’s shitty family for custody. Then moving across the country. That’s brave.”
Untrue. I did what I had to do for my friends. It was a vain attempt to make up for my mistakes.
“Hear me out,” he said. “I hated this place. Coming back here after my Navy career ended felt like a personal failure. But.” He chomped on a piece of bacon. “It turned out to be a blessing. I was forced to confront my demons. And deal with my shit. It’s made me a better father, a better person, in the process.
“I never thought I’d fit here. But Lovewell has a way of forcing you to confront and make peace with the things you’ve tried to avoid. I promise, if you give yourself a chance, give this town a chance, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
His words gave me pause. Finn loved this town. The guy was deliriously happy all the time, flying planes and building his business, spending his free time with Adele, Thor, and Merry. I had a hard time imagining him being miserable, especially here.
“It’s true,” he admitted, clearly reading my mind. “I was so set on being unhappy, on being stuck. It took a while, but eventually, I stopped punishing myself and got to work. You’ll get there too. Give yourself permission to be happy. I know you miss Jack and Emily, but you do not have to suffer. You’re not required to pay a penance for what happened. You and your baby girl can have a good life.”
My nose stung and my eyes got hot. Fuck. If I wasn’t careful, I’d break into tears right here. Finn had never been the serious,thoughtful one, but his words hit me deeply. Wasn’t that what I was doing? Forcing myself to be stuck and sad all the time?
I opened my mouth to thank him, but before I could, the bell over the door jangled violently, snagging my attention.
When my gaze landed on the person who’d just stepped in, a wave of anger washed over me.
Graham. In our diner.
“Is that…?” Finn asked.
I nodded. Or at least I thought I did. All my focus was fixed on the bozo at the door. He had on shorts that had pink palm trees all over them and a shiny aqua-colored polo shirt. Bright white shoes and socks pulled up to his shins completed the look.
He was probably headed out for a round of golf. There was no course in Lovewell, but there was a beautiful country club near the university about thirty minutes east of here.
There was no other excuse to be dressed the way he was.
I wasn’t even sure golf was an excuse.
Every eye on the place was on him. For good reason. He would have looked less out of place in a tutu.
