Page 109 of Axe Backwards
“They asked me to be their baby’s guardian if something happened to them.” My stomach had sunk at first. I wasn’t qualified to be anyone’s parent. I tried to convince them to pick someone else, but they’d insisted.
“In our line of work, you have to plan ahead. Wills, medical proxy, life insurance. We joked around about it on the crew, but Emily, being a nurse, saw what could happen.”
“Did they have other family?”
I shook my head. “Emily’s mom died a few years ago. Jack came from a toxic, abusive home. He wanted to make sure they wouldn’t have access to his kid. Eventually, I said yes. How could I not? Maybe I wouldn’t have if I really thought anything would come of it.”
I sipped from my bottle of water and cleared my throat.
“We toasted and laughed, and I put it out of my mind. The guys on our crew all used this attorney who gave discountsto first responders. We met at her office, and I signed the paperwork the week before Tess was born.”
My eyes stung with tears at the memory of Jack hugging me after, thanking me so sincerely for what I was doing. To me, it was a small thing. Nothing more than signing a few documents. To him, it meant far more. I just didn’t realize it at the time.
Vic curled up against me, her head on my chest.
“What happened with the fire?”
“I fucked up.” My pulse fluttered and picked up pace as I forced the words out. “We usually deployed out to fires, but this one was close to home. Right outside Tahoe. Jack was technically on paternity leave and at home.”
A familiar ache settled in my stomach as I stroked Vic’s hair. Running my fingers through the silky strands always helped settle me.
“I was given command of the west front of the fire. It was weak then, but it gained significant strength as the day went on.
“Jack could have stayed home.” I bit back a sob. Fuck, he should have. “But he chose to suit up and join us. A fire close to home like that one? It was personal. There was no way he was going to sit out.”
I ran my tongue over my teeth, collecting my thoughts. I hadn’t spoken aloud about this in almost a year.
“He was on the east side, doing analytics and taking out potential brush. The plan was to build up the firewall to keep it away from the town center. Tahoe City is small, but the area around the lake is densely populated. We calculated the wind speed and direction, the terrain, and fuel density.
“But…” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “But it turned. Bay laurel goes up fast. A whole crop of them caught fire, and the blaze moved farther south than we’d anticipated. We issued evacuation orders, but by the time I realized it washeading toward Jack and Emily’s house, it was moving too fast. The terrain was pure tinder.”
With a gasp, Vic clutched my T-shirt.
“We sent a crew over there, then I jumped in a truck and went myself, panicking and spiraling. When we’d come in the day before, we’d anticipated northern movement.”
My heart pounded so hard I could feel it in my toenails and blood whooshed in my ears. I’d broken out in a cold sweat, and my tongue felt too big for my mouth.
“Emily had tried to drive out but couldn’t get around some downed trees. She walked out toward the main road with Tess. She’d put a respirator on the baby and secured it to her tiny face with tape. But she only had the one. When we found her, she was staggering. I don’t know how she was still on her feet. She was wheezing and coughed the whole way to the hospital.”
A wave of grief swept through me as images of my friend hit me one after another. Eyes closed, I took a deep breath and steeled my spine. I’d made it this far. I had to get through the rest.
“But the damage to her lungs was too severe.” This time, a sob made its way out of me before I could stop it. It felt like I’d returned to that day. To the time I spent sitting with Tess. I cradled her tiny body while I sat beside Emily, who’d been put on a ventilator, praying for her to be okay.
I was shaking now, the fear and pain taking over.
Sitting up, Vic snaked her arms around me and held me close. She didn’t speak. Just comforted me silently. It was all so fucking unfair. I’d lived with this reality for a fucking year, and I still couldn’t accept it. It still felt like a nightmare I was desperate to wake up from.
“It’s my fault.” My heart cracked in two as I voiced my greatest shame.
She stiffened, but she didn’t release me. “No it’s not. You were doing your job. You’ve told me so many times how unpredictable fire is, how human intervention can only do so much.”
Itwasmy fault. It should have been me. I lived my life ready for the inevitable. My family could have handled it.
Instead, a perfect, helpless infant lost her parents.
“What happened to Jack?”
“He tried to get home to get them. Got caught behind the firebreak.” I trailed off. “Fuck.” I buried my face in Vic’s neck. “I just hope he knew. I hope he knew I did everything in my power to keep them safe.”
