Page 76 of Axe Backwards
She put one hand on her hip. “Really? Pink compliments my brown eyes?”
I winked. “I think so.”
“Watch yourself, hotshot.” She may have grumbled the phrase, but she was smiling as she walked away.
That attempt at flirting was tame, especially considering the thoughts I’d had recently.
I was getting swept up in the magic of this day. It was sunny and joyful and all about my sweet baby girl. But I had to be careful not to let myself want things I couldn’t have. Things I wasn’t cut out for. Things I didn’t deserve. Otherwise I’d end up flat on my ass and having to dig myself out of a deep hole of self-pity.
What scrambled my brain further, making it even trickier to stay the course of friendship, was seeing my brothers settling down. They’d all become so… domesticated.
Finn had been in the Navy, and he’d had his daughter Merry young, so I wasn’t surprised that he was eyeball deep in dad life and loving every minute of it. He and Adele were well matched, and their son was fast becoming Tess’s best friend. Given how fast he could run already and how good he was at scamming treats from my mom, I knew he’d be the best kind of bad influence.
But Owen? He was an uptight accountant who loved his custom-tailored suits and exotic travel. Yet he was engaged and totally smitten. Gus? The world’s grumpiest workaholic? The man was cradling his baby and cooing at her incessantly. And Cole was happily married and following his wife around like a lovesick puppy. That last fact alone made me feel like I’d found myself in an alternate universe.
While some parts of Lovewell had remained comfortingly the same in the years I’d been gone, many had changed, and they were constantly throwing me for a loop.
Though I tried to ignore the sensation, it stung, seeing how they all interacted and connected in various ways. Owen, who I’d assumed had similar feelings to mine and wanted nothingto do with this place, had bonded with Gus when he’d spent a few months here getting the family business sold. He fit in seamlessly, save for some subtle tension with Cole.
They were all so happy, working and building successful, fulfilling lives. My father had done so much damage. I’d spent much of my adulthood assuming there was no successful path out of the mess he’d created. But my brothers were proving me wrong.
The party was lively, with kids and dogs darting between the adults. My mom was in heaven, snapping photos with her six boys and all four of her grandkids.
My brothers had all grown. They had overcome.
It gave me hope that maybe Tess and I could too. Maybe we could find a place for ourselves, a fulfilling life.
With a stackof serving platters in hand, I shuffled into the kitchen, where my mom stood in front of a sink full of soapy water.
I gently hip checked her. “I’ll do it.”
She shook her head. “Just getting ahead before it’s time for cake. It turned out nicely, didn’t it?”
I put my arm around her and pulled her close. “It’s amazing. Thank you.”
Snagging a dry towel, she wiped her hands and beamed up at me. This close, I got a sense of how small and delicate she was. She’d amassed many wrinkles in the time I was gone, and her hair was now silver. The contrast between this woman and the woman who’d raised me—the larger-than-life force, raising five, sometimes six, boys and working and volunteering—was stark,but the kindness she’d always possessed was there too, shining through.
I’d kept my distance for so long, but suddenly, I couldn’t remember why. Right now, being so close to her, was healing parts of me I didn’t know had been hurt.
My dad had been an asshole extraordinaire, cheating on her with his secretary. Not only that, but impregnating the woman when Jude and I were barely more than toddlers. Unsurprisingly, he had the nerve to then leave her to raise five boys mostly on her own.
She never complained, and she never spoke ill of him. The woman was a saint who eventually welcomed Cole, my half brother and the product of my dad’s affair, into our lives as if he were one of her own.
Heart heavy, I bowed my head. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Washing dishes once more, she handed me a serving platter and looked pointedly at the towel on the counter.
Obediently, I picked up the towel and took the platter from her. “For going so far away and not staying in touch. For making you worry. For not realizing how grateful I should have been for all you’ve done for me.”
She sniffled. “You’re going to make me cry.”
“I mean it. You are spectacular. I’m sorry it took me thirty-four years to realize it.”
A rush of emotion was threatening to overtake me. I had been so damn selfish. For years, I’d mostly ignored her calls. I’d never once flown home for the holidays, always insisting I was too busy. I’d been a shitty son. And yet she was here, loving me anyway.
“Oh, Noah. I love you so much. You always were the one who needed to fly free. You had to chase your adventures and find your way.” She patted my chest. “And look at you now. Back home and the most devoted father.”
I continued to dry as she washed. “I’m barely getting by. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
