Page 77 of Axe Backwards
“No parent does, hun.” The corner of her mouth curled up. “That’s the secret. We’re all making it up as we go along. No one’s got all the answers. Now go back to the party. I’ll finish up here. It’s almost time for cake.”
Chapter 24
Victoria
Noah and I, trash bags in hand, picked up paper plates and cups, doing our best to put Debbie’s house back together.
She’d long since disappeared with Tess. Probably to rock her to sleep. She seemed to have a fully stocked grandma pad here and reveled in time with her granddaughter.
“You don’t have to stay and clean up,” he said, tying his already full bag.
I scoffed. “It’s the least I can do after the epic party your mom threw.”
He grasped my forearm, and a flush of awareness shot through me. “I mean it. You’ve done so much.”
I turned to face him fully, eyes locked with his, silently willing him to understand that I needed this. I needed to tidy up and take out the trash and wash the platters and vacuum. Because I was processing.
My brain was in overdrive and swamped with affection for my fake boyfriend and love for his daughter. Then there were the creeping feelings of loss and sadness that loomed in the periphery of all the positive emotions. The voice in my head wasloud today, reminding me of my inability to get pregnant. Of the birthday parties I’d never get to plan.
With a deep inhale, I pulled my shoulders back resolutely. “Noah, I need this right now.”
Nodding, he backed away. Without a word, we worked for several more minutes. By the furrow of his brow, it seemed like he needed some quiet time too.
After breaking down the folding tables and chairs, stowing them in the garage, cleaning the guest bathroom, and dealing with the leftovers, Noah retrieved a sleeping Tess from the nursery upstairs and we headed home.
His energy was off. He’d been so happy all afternoon, but some unnamed concern was eating at him.
I was feeling similarly, I guessed, though I had no trouble labeling the weight pulling me down.
Inside our apartment building, I headed straight for my door. “Good night.”
With a low murmur, he shuffled to the stairs leading to his place.
I stood there in the hall watching him go, thinking he might ask me to come up. When he disappeared without another word, I let myself in. With the door shut behind me, I sank to the floor and dropped my head back. I wanted to be upstairs, eating microwave popcorn and watchingSchitt’s Creekwhile Noah paced and did pushups. I wanted to rock Tess and watch her sleepy eyes slowly close.
But I didn’t belong up there. I belonged here, in my home. Alone.
Slipping into comfy jammies and applying a Korean face mask did nothing to tame the restlessness inside me. I thought about calling Alice, but it was late, and she’d taken her kids to Massachusetts to visit her sisters.
So I paced. With every pass I made, I stopped in front of the window and looked out at downtown Lovewell. I rearranged the books on my shelves by color and fluffed the throw pillows. I was about to give up and go to bed when Tess’s cry interrupted the quiet night.
My heart lurched.
I could hear Noah’s footsteps and his muffled attempt to soothe her. Rather than settle like she always did in his arms, she screamed even louder.
Before I could think better of it, I had my slippers on and my phone in my hand and was halfway up the stairs.
When he opened the door, holding a crying Tess, his eyes were red, as if he’d been crying too, and his shoulders were slumped.
My chest pinched tightly. “You okay?”
Nodding, he pulled the door open all the way. He walked with Tess, gently rubbing her back, but she wasn’t having it. His movements weren’t as fluid as normal, and he looked as though he was far away.
Stepping into the living room, I waited for him to turn to pace back in my direction. “Noah, what’s going on?”
“Nothing.” His voice was low and shaky, his head down and his focus fixed on Tess.
“Bullshit.” I put my hands on my hips, my breaths coming a little too quickly. “If I did something…”
