Page 26 of Not Afraid to Trust Again
“But—” I tried talking again, but she cut me off.
“Get out!”
I didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was, so I would give her space for the moment, but this thing wasn’t over. I stood by the side of the bed and moved closer.
“You aren’t in this alone, Elise. You know how to find me when you are ready to talk.” I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “But remember, this thing ain’t over between us.”
I turned and walked away. I thought she would call my name or something as I walked toward the door, but she didn’t do anything. The only thing I heard was her sniffling. I had the urge to go back over to her and hold her in my arms and tell her everything would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t work. I was public enemy number one to her, but I knew her anger was misplaced. Once she calmed down and realized it wasn’t my fault, she would reach out. Whenever that time came, I would be there with open arms.
I gave her one last look before I opened the door, and all she did was roll her eyes, turn her head, and stare out the window.
“I love you, Elise.” I opened the door and walked out.
She didn’t even return the sentiment, but I knew she loved me. It didn’t just go away when someone was mad. It felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on me as I let the door close behind me. This couldn’t and wouldn’t be the end for us.
“I’m so sorry, Ky,” Janae said when she looked up.
“Thanks, sis. And thank you for making sure she was taken care of. I regret that I didn’t answer the phone, but I was in the middle of a traffic stop, and I had no idea that was why she called.”
I mentally kicked my ass since I walked through the door, even before I found out what happened. It was just the fact that I wasn’t available when she needed me. The outcome would have been the same whether I answered or not, but I should have been there beside her.
“You can’t blame yourself. Things like this happen, and we may never know why. Give her some time. I’m sure she’ll come around.” She offered a small smile and rubbed my arm.
“I hope so because I’m not letting her go.” And I meant that shit. I wasn’t going to let her go without a fight.
“I’m sure she knows that too. Sorry for your loss. The doctor said she can go home, so I’ll text you when I get her settled.”
“Thanks.”
Janae went back into the room while I walked toward the exit. I wasn’t sure how I would function for the rest of the day. I held my head down as I walked to my car. My eyes were red from crying, and my heart was heavy. Instead of returning to work, I went home. If something important happened, they could call my phone, but other than an emergency, I didn’t want to be reached.
As I drove home, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that our baby no longer existed. From the moment I found out about the baby, I loved him or her, and to know we would never meet fucked me up. My world had been rocked, and I wasn’t sure how we would come back from this.
“Ugh, please leave me alone,”I grumbled as my phone rang for the thousandth time.
I didn’t bother answering it because it was nobody but my sister or Kyden. They were the only two who had been calling me nonstop, and it had gotten on my nerves.
A week had passed since I was released from the hospital, and I had been holed up in my bedroom. I only left my room to eat enough food to stay alive and drink enough water to not become dehydrated. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone because I was hurt, angry, and sad. One minute, I was crying; the next minute, I screamed into the silence of the room. When I tired myself out, I would go to sleep then wake up and do it all over again. I hadn’t even turned the television on. I wasn’t in themood to see anybody living happy lives, especially people with babies.
I felt like losing my baby was punishment for considering not having it in the first place. At times, I blamed Kyden because he wasn’t there when I needed him. I called him multiple times that day, and for him not to answer made me angry. In my mind, he was doing some shit he shouldn’t have been doing because he never ignored my calls.
The phone rang again, so I picked it up and turned it off. I wasn’t sure why they couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to talk. How hard could it be to leave someone alone? I sent my parents a text message letting them know that I needed some alone time so they wouldn’t bother me. My sister, on the other hand, wasn’t having that, and neither was Kyden.
It seemed like they had a meeting to decide when they would call because when my sister called and I didn’t answer, Kyden would call, and vice versa. I received numerous text messages and voicemails from them both but never responded. I probably should have, so then maybe they would have left me alone, but doing that would have taken energy that I didn’t have.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. As I rubbed my stomach, I thought about what my baby would have looked like. I wondered if it would have been a boy or a girl. My nose tingled before the tears started again. I was so tired of crying, but I didn’t know how to make it stop. Every time I thought I could function, something hit me, and I would break down. How the hell would I be able to go back to work feeling like this? It felt like I was in a dark hole with no light at the end.
My bladder forced me out of bed, so I got up to use the bathroom. When I turned the bathroom light on, I wanted to turn it right back off. The bright light bothered my eyes because I’d been in the dark for so long. I hardly turned the lights on. If it were daytime, I used the sunlight coming through the windows.If it were nighttime, I sometimes went to the bathroom in the dark. Whenever I went to the kitchen, I used the light from the stove since it didn’t take much light to make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal.
I relieved myself and debated on taking a shower. I really didn’t have any energy to do anything. I wanted to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep. Everything was so fuzzy, and I wasn’t sure if I had showered the day before. I smelled a little musty, so I decided to get in.
As I let the water get scolding hot, I looked at myself in the mirror. My head pounded as I took in my appearance.
“Shit, girl. You look terrible,” I said to myself.
My eyes and face were red and puffy as hell. My curls looked matted and dried because I hadn’t wrapped my hair or anything in days.
I looked as bad as I felt, but it was time to change that. I wasn’t sure if it would help, but it was worth a shot. I needed to get out of this funk. The more I thought about climbing out, the further I sank. I felt like I was in quicksand, and I was fighting for my life to get out.
