Page 27 of Not Afraid to Trust Again
My hands gripped the sink as more tears formed in my eyes. I thought by now I’d be all cried out, but somehow, I still produced tears.
“Ahh!” I screamed as I hurled the toothbrush holder against the wall. I sank to the floor and leaned against the sink.
“Why, God? Why me?” I cried as I gripped my hair. I was fucking losing it, and there was nobody here to pull me out of this shit.
I didn’t know what to do. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. As I sat in silence, a bible verse popped into my head.It was from Psalm 31:9.Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: Mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
I recited the verse over and over then prayed like I never prayed before. I wasn’t okay, and the only person who could help me out of it was God.
The bathroom had gotten steamy from the shower running the whole time I was on the floor. Luckily, the water was still hot when I got in. I stood under the water and let it wash all the pain away, at least I hoped it would. After a minute or two, I proceeded to wash my hair and my body. I made it through the shower without crying, so that was a win.
When I got out, I wrapped my hair and body in towels then went to my room to change the sheets. I wasn’t ready to face the world, so I kept the curtains closed. I looked at my phone and started to turn it on but quickly changed my mind. I felt a little better but not that much.
Once the sheets were changed, I dried off, moisturized my body, and put clean pajamas on. I managed to put two big braids in my hair just so it didn’t get matted again. I hadn’t done anything else in the house for days. I knew stuff needed to be cleaned and dusted, but I wasn’t ready to tackle that yet.
Having the breakdown in the bathroom plus showering and washing my hair took all the energy I had out of me, so I got back in bed. I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.
“Kanae Elise Tate, I gave you some space, but I refuse to go another day with you ignoring me and me worrying about whether you are alive or not.”
I woke up to find my sister standing over my bed and the damn curtains opened. I rubbed my eyes and turned the other way.
“Oh, no, ma’am. It’s time to get out of this bed. You have everyone worried about you, and poor Kyden is losing his mind.”
She walked around to the other side of the bed, so I opened one eye to look at her.
I sucked my teeth. “Fuck Kyden, Apple.”
I knew me calling her Apple would piss her off, but it didn’t work this time.
She smirked. “That’s not going to work. My husband calls me that, so I love that name now.”
She stuck her tongue out and climbed into the bed, forcing me to move back.
When we were younger, and one of us wasn’t feeling well, we would lie in each other’s beds. Our parents would get mad because both of us would end up sick.
“I don’t know if you have clothes on or not, so I’m not trying to get under the covers.”
I pulled the covers back. “I’m dressed, Nae.”
She scooted a little closer, and I covered us up.
Janae leaned up on her elbow and looked at me. “Seriously, how are you feeling?”
The question almost sent me into another crying spell, but I held it together and told her exactly how I’d been feeling.
“Today is the first day I felt a little better. I’ve been a mess, Nae. Like, I lost a baby. I don’t know how to come back from that.”
Her eyes softened. “I can’t say I understand, but I do to a degree. As far as how you will come back, you have to take it one day at a time. I know it’s easier said than done, but I know it’s possible. I don’t know when you will feel better, but you will one day. Take the good with the bad.”
“It’s been so hard. I broke down earlier just trying to take a shower. You and Kyden kept calling me, so I had to turn my phone off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially him.”
“Kanae, you can’t punish him for something he couldn’t control. No matter if he were there or not, it would have been the same outcome. That man has been going through it for days. Imagine how he feels. He lost a baby as well.”
My heart stilled in my chest. I was so angry it didn’t cross my mind that Kyden could have been feeling just as bad as I was, especially after I kicked him out of my hospital room and didn’t answer any of his calls.
“He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.”
Janae rolled her eyes. “Girl, please. Trust me. If you called him, he would come running to you. He loves you and is miserable without you. You said you don’t know how you’re going to get through this, but Kyden is the one who could help you. He’s the only one who can understand what you are feeling. Now is the time you two need each other.”
