Page 32 of Not Afraid to Trust Again
I looked down at my vest. “Is this not good enough?”
His eyes glanced down at my boots then back up. Heat flooded my cheeks when he licked his lips. I hadn’t been thinking about sex, especially since we couldn’t have it, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t turned on. Kyden cleared his throat like his mind had traveled to the same place as mine.
“It’s fine, but we might be walking around, and it is cold as hell and probably colder in the mountains.”
“You’re right. I’ll be right back.” I left him in the living room while I went upstairs to get a coat from the closet. I didn’t consider the fact that the mountains tended to be colder than it was in town. While I was in the closet, I grabbed a scarf as well. It was better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Kyden was busy on his phone when I came down the steps, but as soon as he noticed me, he put the phone away and smiled at me.
“That’s better. I don’t need you to get sick while I’m trying to make you feel better.” He reached his hand out toward me, and I placed mine into his.
“Aren’t you sweet?”
“I am.” He winked then led me to the front door.
I locked up my house, and we walked to his truck that he left running. Thank goodness. It was cold, and I would have hated to get into a cold vehicle. He helped me inside then closed the door.
“You weren’t lying about the weather,” I acknowledged when he got in.
“I told you. I have a feeling it’s going to be a brutal winter.”
Kyden somehow always knew what the weather would be. At first, I thought he was an undercover weatherman or something, but he told me he just liked knowing the weather since he had to be outside a lot. I guess it made sense. I hardly checked the weather because I knew he would tell me if I needed an umbrella or something.
Once we were both buckled in and comfortable, Kyden backed out of the driveway.
A minute or so after we got down the street, he grabbed my hand and kissed it.
“How have you been feeling?”
He asked me every day how I had been feeling, and some days I lied because I didn’t want him to worry about me. This time, I decided to be honest though.
“It varies, you know? One minute, I’m good. The next, I’m crying. Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed, but I know I can’t live like that forever.” I absentmindedly ran my finger over the charm of my necklace. I realized at some point that I did that whenever I thought or talked about the baby.
Kyden glanced my way and kissed the back of my hand again.
“That’s normal. I’ve been feeling the same way. I might not say much about it, but it fucked me up. I try to be strong for you, but when I’m alone, I cry and shit. I get angry. Sometimes, I wonder what I could have done to prevent it, but there was nothing either of us could do. Like I told you, though, you aren’t alone in this. If you want to talk, you know how to reach me.”
“The same goes for you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to hide your emotions from me. You said we are in this together, and that means every feeling and emotion you experience, you can share that with me. I want to be the backbone for you as you are for me. That’s what I’m supposed to do as your partner.”
I let his hand go and wiped the lone tear that had fallen. Men oftentimes felt like they couldn’t show too much emotion because of what society said, but I didn’t want that for Kyden. I wanted him to be at peace when we were together. He cried around me right after the miscarriage, but since then, he’d been putting on this brave face for my sake. That wasn’t necessary to me.
He grabbed my hand again. “You are that for me and then some, Elise. I’m at peace knowing you are good. That’s the only thing that matters to me.”
It seemed like he wanted to say something else but kept it to himself for some reason.
“I love you, Ky.” I felt the need to tell him as often as possible.
“I love you too.”
The energy had gotten heavy, so we talked about light stuff as we continued the drive. By the time we got to the mountains, I felt better and was ready to enjoy our day.
My parents taughtmy brother and me how to express ourselves and our emotions at a young age, but it wasn’t always easy in some of my past relationships. To know I could be my authentic self with Elise and not feel embarrassed if I cried, made me love her even more than I did.
I had been going through it, but I tried to hide it from her. I didn’t want to bring her down any more than what she was. Every day, I showed up for her with a smile on my face, but when I was alone, my emotions would get the best of me. There was no rule book on how to cope with the loss of a baby, so day by day, I winged it.
I was happy when she agreed to spend the day with me, because she’d been in the house for weeks, and I knew some fresh air would do her some good, even though it was cold.
When we arrived in Pinewood, we parked near a small strip mall. They had a couple of stores I wanted to check out, and I also wanted to go to the outlet mall. Under different circumstances, I would have tried to get her to go skiing, but I knew she needed to heal more before she tried anything too strenuous. Maybe some other time, but if I knew her like I thought, she would say no, no matter when it was.
