Page 37 of Not Afraid to Trust Again
Almost an hour later, Kyden and I had gone to a diner to eat lunch. I had a small gift for him in the car that I had hidden in the trunk, but I snuck it inside the diner.
While we waited for our food, I checked in with Kyden.
“How are you feeling? I know I asked at the gym, but how are you feeling for real?”
He scrubbed his hand down his face and glanced out of the window. I reached over and rubbed my hand over his.
“Every day it’s different. Some days I’m good, then other days I want to cry. I try to be strong for you because I know it affected you more, but it still hurts. It’s crazy how we could go from being happy about having a baby to the baby not being here. Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around it.”
My eyes burned with tears because the pain in his eyes made me sad. I wanted to take the pain away from him and couldn’t.
“I understand, and I feel the same way. The only thing we can do is continue being there for each other. I do have something for you though.” I reached into the bag beside me and pulled out the gift.
I passed it to Kyden and he ran his hand over the front of it.
It was a leather journal with his name engraved on the front.
“This is nice.” He turned the journal over in his hand.
“I got it for you to journal. I know sometimes you don’t like to talk about how you are feeling, and that’s okay. I just don’t want you to hold it in either.”
Water pooled in his eyes, and he looked out the window again.
Kyden put the journal on the seat next to him and grabbed my hands.
“Thank you, Elise. Not just for the journal, but for being there for me. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. It worked.” He kissed both of my hands and smiled.
“You’re welcome. I want to make sure I’m pouring into you the same way you pour into me.”
“You are definitely doing that.” He leaned over the table for a kiss.
The waitress came over with our food, and while we ate, we discussed lighter topics.
We spent the rest of the day laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
I wasn’t sure if we would ever get over the hurt of losing a baby, but I knew better days were coming for Kyden and me.
It had beena few days since Elise gifted me a journal, and I had to admit that it was one of the best things I had ever received. I never thought it would be helpful to write out my feelings, but it had helped tremendously. There had been times when I wanted to talk to her about my feelings, but I never wanted to bring her mood down, so I kept it bottled up. That was an unhealthy thing to do, but with this journal, I’d been releasing everything. I even wrote out my good feelings. I had been carrying it with me to work just in case I needed to write something out while I sat idly in my patrol car. Those were the times when my emotions got the best of me. In the quietness of the night, I thought about the loss of our baby. Each day hadgotten better, and I hoped that one day we would be blessed with another baby.
I really enjoyed going to the boxing gym Elise took me to. It helped release a lot of what I felt, and I planned on going again at some point. Even if I didn’t go to that one, I would find somewhere to go closer to home. Or maybe I could install a punching bag in my house.
I pushed those thoughts to the side because Elise and I were having date night at my place. I had a whole night planned for us to enjoy each other’s company, eat, and share some laughs. We both needed something where we could just be happy—no work, no losses, nothing that could bring our moods down.
While I waited for Elise to come, I put the finishing touches on our night. I wanted us to cook together, so I had everything ready on the counter.
A few minutes later, the doorbell rang. I glanced around the living room to make sure everything was where I wanted it, then went to open the door.
“Good evening, Elise.” I held my hand out for her to take.
“Good evening, Kyden. Look at you being all formal,” she teased with a giggle.
When she stepped fully inside the house, I closed and locked the door. I stood to the side as she took her shoes off near the door.
“It’s only the polite thing to do.” I kissed her cheek. “How was your day?”
We walked further into the house to the living room. She took her hoodie off before sitting on the couch.
Since we were having a chill night, she wore sweatpants and a Nae’s Threads hoodie. Her curls were pulled into a messy bun. She looked comfortable, and that was all I wanted.
