Page 86 of Better Than Gelato
This is not making things better. I just sound like a jerk.
“Why?” he asks, finally looking me in the eyes.
“I felt trapped,” I say truthfully. “I had fallen into a relationship with someone I barely knew. It was moving way too fast for me. I wanted out, but I didn’t want to hurt you or mess up your interviews. An opportunity came that looked like a way out, just for a night, and I took it.”
“I see,” he says. He turns and starts walking. Unsure what to do, I follow him.
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
He shrugs like my apology makes little difference.
I know I messed up, but a fierce little voice in my head is pointing out that I wasn’t the only one who made mistakes.
Jake is walking faster than me, and I jog to keep up with him.
“I understand this is hard to hear. And I know this is a tough conversation to have. But I think we should have it so we can work through it and move on.”
“I wasn’t here, and you went out with someone else at the first opportunity,” Jake says with brutal simplicity. “Doesn’t make me all that confident in your ability to handle a long-distance relationship.”
He gives me a look like he gravely misjudged me. “What more is there to say?”
My heart fills up with anger and pumps it to the rest of my body until I can feel it in my fingertips. “There’s a lot more to say. I’m not the only one who messed up.”
“Oh, this is my fault now?” His arms cross and his eyebrows go up.
“I take full responsibility for my actions. But you’re not blameless.”
Jake stops again and looks at me.
“We’d been dating for three weeks when you told me you loved me, Jake. And we’d known each other for barely four.” Jake has the decency to look embarrassed. “Can you blame me for feeling freaked out and claustrophobic? I didn’t want to have a boyfriend in the first place. And then everything got so serious, so fast.”
He coughs uncomfortably. “I was just trying to be honest.”
“It was way too much, way too soon.” I squeeze my hands into fists and release them.
“Secondly, it’s unfair to hold me to the mistakes I made at the beginning of our relationship. You and I both know I’m not that girl anymore. And things between us are completely different than they were back then. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he says. “That’s why this hurts so much.”
He turns and starts walking again. I try to follow, but he stops me. “I need some time, Juliet.”
So I stand there and watch the back of his head disappear into the crowd until my vision blurs with tears.
* * *
The next few days are rough. I bring Isa to school. I pick her up from school. In between, I hide my phone under my bed so I won’t text Jake.
I skip dancing Wednesday night. If Jake doesn’t show up, I’ll know it’s because he can’t stand to be around me. And if he does, I’ll have to look at his hurt face all night.
Instead, I play Uno with Isa, read her two more chapters ofHarry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and then put her to bed. I change into my pajamas and check my email. There’s a message from UC San Diego Photography Department.
I open it with a rush of excitement. It takes reading it twice for the words to sink in.
Dear Juliet Evans,
Thank you for submitting your application to the UC San Diego Photography Department. Admission is highly competitive, and we regret to inform you that you have not been accepted at this time. We encourage you to apply again for next year’s program beginning in the spring.
Sincerely,
