Page 140 of Endless Anger
No matter what, I see her. Dead and alone because of me.
The mattress creaks as Asher moves. “Lucy.”
Sniffling, I suck in a breath of air and let my arms fall. My smile feels watery and forced. “Sorry. I just needed a minute.”
When I look back at him, his arms are wide open, legs spread slightly. The sketchbook sits on his nightstand, abandoned in my favor.
My throat burns as I push one foot forward. God, I don’t want to need him like this, but I can’t help it.
He’s always been the safest place in the world for me.
Another smaller sob peals out of me, and I sprint in his direction, launching myself at him. He catches me with a tiny grunt, wrapping me totally in his embrace as I bury my head in his neck.
This is real, I tell myself. Asher’s real. Alive. The heart beating in his throat and chest are proof of that. If nothing else, I have him.
“I couldn’t do it,” I mutter into his skin, keeping my eyes closed. “I couldn’t be in there by myself.”
“That’s okay.” He strokes a hand over my head. “It hasn’t really been that long. These things take time.”
“I just…” Staring at the expanse of skin before me, watching it blur, I force down my fear. “I keep thinking about how I just stood there. They were hurting her, and I didn’t do anything. I didn’t move, didn’t try to get help or intervene.”
Shame swirls around my insides, holding me tight in its ugly grip.
“How can I call myself a good person when at the time someone needed help the most, I was a total fucking coward? I was so concerned with my own well-being that I just let them kill Celeste instead. Maybe if I’d done something, she’d still be here.”
Asher tenses under me. “And maybe if you’d tried to help, you’d both be dead. Avernia would be burned to the ground, and the wildfire would spread, because I’d make it uncontainable.”
Pulling back a little, I meet his furious gaze. Brown irises hardening like raw quartz.
“You’d burn down the school for me?”
“Lucy.”
He cups my cheeks, sliding his thumbs over them as more tears fall. My heart aches, pumping so hard against my ribs that it feels like it might break out of me entirely.
“I would raze the earth just for a smile from you. There is nothing I would not do, and especially if you were ever harmed or endangered. I know you hate violence…you would not enjoy the man I’d become in the event of your demise.”
Tentatively, I lift my fingers to his lips, brushing the tips over them as he speaks, like I’m trying to imprint his words on my body.
I love you, Asher.
I love you so much.
Please, let what you’re saying be true. I want to believe it is.
I would love you no matter what you did.
Sighing, I slump against his chest. “Still. I lasted sixty seconds in my dorm room. It’s pathetic.”
“You experienced a traumatic event, Luce. You’re not pathetic. You’re human.”
“Same thing.” Wiping my nose, I look up at him. “You saw it all too, and you’re fine.”
“She wasn’t my friend.”
“But you’re always fine. Nothing affects you, and it never has.” Straightening, I push my hair from where the tears have glued it to my face and exhale shakily. “Teach me your ways, O Great One.”
The corners of his mouth twitch. “This isn’t a dysfunction you need to learn. There’s nothing wrong with feeling.”
