Page 167 of Endless Anger
Mom and Aunt Lenny have been calling nonstop since Dad checked me in, asking if they needed to fly to us. I declined, because I don’t really want to deal with all that extra attention right now, and I’m afraid that if anyone else asks me if I’m okay, I’m going to explode.
Asher doesn’t ask, because he already knows. I see it reflected in his eyes. When he steps inside the room, he gently clicks the door shut, latching the lock.
For a few seconds, we just look at each other. None of this feels real still. I’ve barely comprehended that Foxe is alive and we got out, much less that Asher’s here with me. Angry but so obviously relieved.
I throw back the comforter at the same time as he stalks quickly across the room, snatching me into his arms. He clings so tight that it’s difficult to breathe, but I don’t say a word, soaking in his fresh, clean scent and letting his warmth ground me.
Burying my face in his neck, I let out a broken whimper. “I’m so sorry.”
He pulls back, palming my head. “What the hell are you apologizing for?”
“I didn’t listen to you when you told me to stay away from Beckett,” I say. “If I’d just stayed put and let you do what you wanted,noneof this would have happened. I got two people killed, your dad injured, and Foxe…” My eyes sting, and I try to blink the tears away, but they fall regardless. “He stepped in for me. They wanted to take me, and he begged to go in my place.”
Dropping my gaze as I admit the last part, a wave of nausea rolls through me, and I try to break from Asher’s grip. I can’t look at him—not after that.
But he tightens his hold, his face hard as stone. “Don’t fucking look away from me, pup. You think that’ll do you any good? Iknowyou. I can feel the despair taking root in your bones as we speak. I hear your guilt and shame making your brain move a thousand miles a minute. I’m not letting you go so you can curl up in bed and spiral.”
I glare at him. “You can’t justforceme to not feel bad about this. Foxe is fighting for hislifebecause of me.” Another sob, and this time he catches it against his throat, smoothing his hand over my hair. “How can you even stand to touch me right now, knowing that? You should hate me.”
“Tried that once. Didn’t really work out.”
Pulling back, I furrow my eyebrows. “What?”
“When we were thirteen, and I was a stupid little shit who hated seeing you cry. I left your dog’s funeral early because I was trying to convince myself that watching you get emotional would be easier if I couldn’t stand you.”
Offense scratches at my chest. “Wow. So when I made my way to your bedroom seeking comfort, you were thinking about how much you hated me?”
“Ididn’thate you though. Icouldn’t. Your vulnerability and compassion are what I liked most about you; it wasn’t fair to hold them against you just because I was insecure.” He pauses, sliding his fingers over my jaw. “Foxe loves all that about you too, you know. He didn’t just come to Avernia for me.”
Sniffling, I shake my head. “Not helping ease the guilt, pretty boy.”
His grin chips away at the frozen pieces of my heart. Just a little, but enough. “What I’m saying is… Foxe made his own decisions down in that cave. Shit decisions I’m going to kick his ass for when he’s healed up, but still. You didn’t make him do it. And if anything, I’m to fucking blame for bringing him here in the first place. All he wanted to do was spend some quality time with us, and I’ve been an asshole to him all semester.”
My heart shatters with the realization that neither of us was kind to him. Not the way he deserves.
And maybe that’s what guilt is—a culmination of events and neglect that causes other people to get hurt. People who would never do it back to you.
Who would sacrifice themselvesforyou.
“What about Beckett?” I ask, finally redirecting the conversation. “Willa and…”
I can’t bring myself to say their names, just like I can barely believe what Eli said about Tag.
It hadn’t been Beckett at all. Just the other three causing fucking chaos, ruining lives for no reason.
Exhaling, Asher yanks me in the direction of the bed. He perches on the edge of the mattress, pulling me onto his lap. “Fury Hill PD has the entire Primordial Forest on lockdown, though it wouldn’t surprise me if everything was cleaned up by Monday. Beckett’s being treated at the student health center, and the coroner came to collect the others.”
Nodding, I lay my head on his shoulder. “How come I don’t feel at all relieved that the police are involved?”
He draws circles on my lower back. “Because you know better.”
“Should I withdraw from the school?”
“I don’t know, Luce. That’s a decision you have to make.” Shifting, he moves us so I’m lying flat on the bed and he’s hovering over me, his arms bracketing my face. “I’m assuming you had a reason to stick around all this time.”
“Avernia credits are nontransferable,” I say, rolling my eyes. “I didn’t want to waste my parents’ money or my time by starting over. But you know, if you’d justtoldme what the fuck was going on all this time, maybe none of this would’ve happened.”
“I know.” He shakes his head, clenching his jaw. “I was an idiot, and I fucked up. I’ll live with that forever.”
