Page 34 of Endless Anger
How can you even ask that?
Asher doesn’t respond.
Every atom of my being deflates with the prolonged silence.
Shaking off the sadness crushing my rib cage, I turn away, back toward the gated entrance of the Asphodel. There’s a humming sound between my ears, blocking out my ability to process any thoughts excepthe’s not coming.
You’re on your own, Lucy.
Despair scratches at my bones, and I want to stop and demand he go with me anyway. I want to tell him I need him there—I’ve always needed him, the way a plant needs water or the moon needs gravity to keep from flying off into space.
But it sounds stupid, even spoken silently in my head.
Asher doesn’t need anyone, so why would I expect him to understand?
What am I supposed to do without you around?
There’s never been a moment when that was something I had towonder. He’s been here since before I was born, always hovering somewhere in my peripheral if not directly at my side.
“Luce.”
My heart squeezes. I twist my body, facing him again. “You’re supposed to be my best friend.”
He holds out the envelope.
I shake my head. “Keep it.”
“Don’t want it.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“Stop being ridiculous. You were so excited a few seconds ago. Don’t let my choice ruin this for you.”
Anger boils inside my stomach, spewing out and upward.
“You won’t even tell me why you don’t want to go,” I snap. “For years, it’s just been these vague little ‘oh, Avernia is a terrible school,’ with nothing to back up your claims, so what the hell am I supposed to think? Either you’re letting me go off to a place that’s no fucking good, or you’re not going just because you don’t want to go there withme.”
His nostrils flare. “I can’t explain?—”
“Then you’re right, Asher.” I’m seething now, seeing red instead of the darker hues where he stands. “I shouldn’t let you ruin things. I’m happy I got in, and I don’t give a shit whether you go or not. In fact, maybe we should skip the formalities completely and just stop caring about what the other person does for good. Does that sound like a plan to you? Since you’ve decided to abandon the other one we had mapped out, I figured maybe I should ask.”
More silence. My head grows dizzy, defiance running through me like a live wire. If I was a different person, maybe I’d hit him. Hurt him somehow, the way he has me. I doubt it’d do much—he’s probably got some huge tolerance built up from a lifetime of picking fights with his peers—but it would make me feel better to see him bleed from the nose once becauseIwas angry and not because he wanted to.
I consider it for a moment. My fist aches to drive into him.
Or maybe that’s my heart. I don’t know.
If I cared less, maybe I could.
“Is that really what you want?” he asks after what feels like a lifetime. “You want this to be it for us?”
“You make it sound like we’re breaking up.”
But that would require him to have feelings for me, and this has made it obvious he doesn’t.
He moves forward, his shoes crushing the leaves on the ground. The sound is loud, drowning out the ocean past his house. He drowns out everything.
I can still feel the intensity of his mouth on mine, covering the world as I knew it a week ago.
