Page 88 of I Accidentally Summoned A Demon
Kat was only able to give a small nod. The whole thing was confusing and painful. Skipping Christmas seemed silly, but she couldn’t imagine a Christmas without them or go into the garage where the decorations and her mother’s car were.
“You know what I tell my girls when they’re being too hard on themselves?”
“What?”
“I ask them, if a friend had the same problem, would they tell their friend they were overreacting and not responding right? Or would they have compassion and encourage their friend?” He squeezed her shoulder, his expression softening. “So, Katherine, let me ask you. If a friend lost their parents, would you tell them the way they handled their grief was silly and stupid, or show them love and tell them however they got through it, that was the right way to get through it?”
A lump formed in Kat’s throat. He had a point. If only her heart was as empathetic inwardly as it was outwardly.
“Do you remember how we worked through your guilt over the accident?”
She didn’t remember all her counseling sessions, but she did remember the ones about her guilt because it was all-consuming. So was her anger. She spent several months so angry she couldn’t stand to be around anyone. Luckily, Allen had patience enough to help her through it. She barely recognized herself during that time.
“We worked through it by saying you needed compassion for yourself because what happened wasn’t your fault or within your control. While I know part of you still feels guilty, you’ve made a lot of progress, haven’t you?” Kat nodded, afraid her voice would crack if she spoke. “Good, because I want you to channel that compassion again. If you need to skip Christmas, or at least the decorations because it’s too much, then do that and don’t feel guilty or silly. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else, there’s no wrong way to grieve. You know that, right?”
“I guess.” Kat pulled on a loose thread on her coat. “I wish . . .” She sucked in a breath, her gaze fixed on the snow while tears stung her eyes. “I wish it was easier. It’s almost been a year, and I still have bad days.”
“A year isn’t so long. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, Katherine. Grief takes as long as it takes. I don’t think it ever goes away, just hurts less. But you’ll still experience it. Years from now, you’ll still grieve when a memory comes up. And that will be a bittersweet moment because you’ll hurt from what you lost, but you’ll be thankful for the memories you have. It’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to grieve in your own way, to be angry or confused or sad. No one can tell you the right way to miss the ones you love. Just try not to be hard on yourself, all right? Compassion, Kat. We have to have compassion for ourselves as much as we do for others. There’s a reason we have that verse: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’. Loving yourself means having compassion for yourself.”
Kat’s lower lip trembled, and she nodded, the tears ready to fall. She did feel silly for avoiding Christmas, but he was right. She wouldn’t think it was silly if someone else was going through the same thing.
“Myra and I are here. We want to help, but we can’t if you don’t let us. I’m available for counseling any time you want. I wish I could take your pain away, but the only thing that’s going to make it better is time.” He rose from the bench, and Kat stood with him. “When you’re having a rough day, remember that love can get you through anything. Love always wins in the end. There’s nothing stronger. But you have to let the love in.”
Kat hugged him. He always knew what to say. He and Nex were the only people she wasn’t embarrassed crying in front of, so she let the tears out.
He rested his chin on her head. “I know you haven’t come over because you don’t want to go on that street again, but that doesn’t mean we can’t see you. We can meet you somewhere for dinner.”
“Okay.” Kat pulled back and wiped her tears. “That would be nice.”
Allen smiled, gaze drifting past Kat to someone approaching the house. “Oh, you must be Nex.”
Nex stared between Kat and the person he recognized from her memory. The one who showed up at the hospital. That meant he was . . .
“I’m Allen. Katherine’s pastor. Nice to meet you.” Allen offered his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Nex froze, unable to believe he was about to shake hands with a pastor. “I’ve heard about you as well.” Nex made the handshake quick. His gaze moved to Katherine’s red eyes.
Allen offered Kat a reassuring smile. “Remember what I said, okay?”
“Okay.” Kat gave him another quick hug before he waved and headed back to church.
Kat turned to Nex, wringing her hands together. “Sorry. I hope you weren’t uncomfortable.” She unlocked the door, and they walked inside. “He walked me home.”
“He was fine.” Although Nex did feel strange being in the presence of a pastor, he also knew that pastor was important to her. As soon as Kat was done hanging her coat, Nex turned her to face him. “What’s wrong?”
She twiddled her fingers. “We were talking about Christmas and my parents.”
Nex frowned. Christmas. The day grew closer, and Kat stopped sleeping well. She had nightmares almost every night that he couldn’t chase away. “Is there something you want to do on Christmas?”
Kat moved toward the kitchen, tears spilling. “I don’t know.”
She didn’t make it far. Nex pulled her against him, cupping her face. “Don’t walk away from me when you’re crying. Do you want to talk about it?”
Kat blinked away tears. “No. I’ve been thinking about it so much. It’s exhausting me. I want to not think about it for a while.”
Nex wrapped his arms around her waist. “You want a distraction?” She nodded. He grabbed her hand and turned for the door. “I won’t give you any more trouble about volunteering.”
Kat stayed where she was, lacing her fingers with his. Nex turned, and Kat draped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a kiss. He groaned in surprise and slid his hand behind her head. “I thought you were making me be around a bunch of humans at the food bank tonight.”
