Page 103 of Clashing
I ascended the steps to my apartment and there he waited, shoulder against the doorframe. He pushed off the wall as I approached and offered a key. This key unlocked a much heavier door compared to the last. Inside, the pools of blood and holes from gunshots had vanished. He showed me the different locks he’d installed. Taught me how to set the alarm and access the security cameras if I wanted.
Silence fell between us afterward. When I hazarded a glance at him, he was already staring. I hated how beautiful he was. I hated I couldn’t deny I was still in love with him. What he said cut me deep and should’ve evaporated all feelings. It didn’t. Any hopes of getting over him shattered when he killed the man who hurt me.
More than anything, I hated myself. Even if Ryker and I never became anything, I had to end things with Collin. It wasn’t fair to him that I was in love with someone else.
“Thank you. For everything.” I broke the silence and toed the ground. “I don’t know what to say except thank you. I appreciate you. Everything you’ve done.”
Ryker nodded and took a step toward me. One that danced the edge of too small and too big. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep here okay?”
The natural instinct to move closer to him shuffled my foot forward a step. Once again, too small and too big. “I mean, I have like fifty locks on my door now.”
Another step from him. My soul begged to fall into his arms. “All the locks in the world won’t make you feel safe if you’re uncomfortable somewhere.”
“I guess we’ll see.” I lifted a shoulder and took one small step. “I won’t know until I try.”
“You can call me.” His step closer was far bigger. It shrunk most of the distance between us. “If it’s not working or you don’t want to be alone, I’ll come for you.”
“Thank you.”
That usual crackle between us emitted warmth instead of a blaze. An offering of comfort and safety. I peered up at his eyes, unrelentingly on me.
Fuck it.It was just a hug. I curled my arms around his middle. He returned the embrace and rested his chin on my head.
“Thank you,” I murmured against his strong chest. The chest I’d slept on after one of the worst nights of my life. The chest I’d slept on after every hard night since I’d arrived. After my first freak-out. After Dan’s fall. Ryker wasalwaysthere.
His lips pressed to the crown of my head, and my eyes stung. “Anything for you.”
A shuddering breath escaped, and I let myself sink against him despite the conflicting emotions. I still loved him. Despite his assholery, I loved him. I couldn’tstoploving him.
The problem was, I always let things go when people hurt me and ended up getting hurt worse. Except he’d shown me he could be good too. He acknowledged and owned up to his fuck-up. Was it enough to soothe the pain he’d caused? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I wanted his arms around me because they were the fortress of safety I craved.
Ryker’s embrace tightened after another shuddering breath. “Scarlett?”
My eyes slid shut at my name on his lips. “What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I said. I don’t think any of this is your fault or that you brought it on yourself.” He eased back and pleading eyes found mine. “I mean it. If you give me a chance, I’ll make it up to you. Let me be here for you.”
He cupped my face, and my pulse stumbled out of control. His touch held a power over me I couldn’t deny—an electric charge that ignited the darkest parts of me and coaxed them out.
“I know you’re not okay, and this will be difficult to recover from.” His thumb swept over my cheekbone. “If you’re pissed at me, that’s fine. Be pissed at me, but let me be here for you. Scarlett, I’d do anything for you. I know I hurt you, and I’m so fucking sorry.” He swallowed. “But, baby,nothingmatters more than you. I’d do anything to make you feel better. I’ll be what you need. I can be your friend. I can be more than your friend. I can back off. Tell me what you need me to be, and I’ll be that for you.”
My heart ached with every fluttering beat. The genuineness in his eyes stunned me. I opened my mouth, but nothing escaped.
A knock at the door made me jolt, and Ryker adjusted his position to stand between me and the door. My heart gave another bittersweet thud against my ribs.
Although the knock startled me, I knew who it was. Backing out of our embrace, I wrangled what little energy I had left after the last several days. Everything was out of control, but unfortunately, life didn’t offer breaks. There were things I had to handle, even if I didn’t feel like handling them right now.
“It’s Collin.” I hugged myself. “I have to talk to him.”
Ryker’s lips pulled down, but he nodded. “Okay.”
I didn’t expect him to give in so easily, but he brushed the pad of his thumb over my cheek one last time, lingered for several agonizing seconds, then turned for the door. He opened it to a surprised Collin, who he muttered a quiet greeting to before slipping past.
Collin entered the apartment when Ryker’s echoing footsteps faded. If the look on his face said anything, he knew what was coming.I’d like to crawl into a hole now.He was perfect. He was everything a good man should be, and he deserved better than the mess I was.
Maybe that’s why Ryker and I fit so well. We were both messes, and we both had to heal. Maybe our messiness made us more comfortable with each other because we didn’thaveto be perfect. We could be a mess and still find beauty.
Regardless of the obvious awkwardness, Collin pulled me into a hug. Sweat formed on my palms because I thought I’d figured out what to say, but in his presence, my confidence faltered. I hated hurting people, and I had no way of doing this without hurting him.
