Page 63 of Clashing
I stopped with the food halfway in my mouth. My appetite vanished and I lowered the fork.
“I’m sorry.” She wrung her hands together. “I know we said we’d say something if feelings got involved and I thought I could ignore them but . . .” She caught her lip between her teeth and avoided my eyes. “I can’t. You’ve been so amazing to me and Dan. Ryker, I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. I want to be with you. All of you. All the way.”
My fork landed in the bowl with a clatter.Feelings.She couldn’t have feelings for me. What the hell did I have to offer her?
I slumped in my chair and pondered what the fuck happened. I was used to girls being attracted to me, but I wasn’t boyfriend material. Not in the slightest. I couldn’t comprehend how she could have feelings for me.Feelings.Physical attraction was one thing, but this?
“Please say something.” Her quiet voice pulled at my heart. “I know I dropped it on you but please say something. You’re killing me here.”
Say something.What the hell could I say? She was perfect in every way, but I was too fucked up. She’d grow to resent me the same way I resented myself and I wanted her to only feel good things when she thought of us.
“Scarlett.” I clasped my hands together to keep them steady. “I’m not that guy.”
“I think you could be that guy. I think you’d be great at being that guy.”
“I wouldn’t. That’s not me, Scar. I don’t do relationships. I don’t do feelings. This. What we’ve been doing.” I gestured between us. “That’s all I got. There’s nothing else in here.”
“But you show up. You always show up. It wouldn’t be that different.”
“I’m not boyfriend material, all right?”I would never make you happy, and it’d kill me to watch you slowly start to hate me as much as I deserve.“I like having sex with you, but I can’t do the relationship thing.”
“Have you ever tried?”
“Not since high school.”
“Then you don’t know. Maybe you could.” She lifted a shoulder. “I’m not that needy, Ryker. I’m not one of those people who wants constant attention or nice things. I want you the way you are. I want exactly what we currently have, only with a firmer commitment. Literally nothing has to change except I get to call you my boyfriend and you—” Pink tinted her cheeks. “You call me your girlfriend.”
I’m no good for you.I couldn’t fuck up her life like that. Having sex was one thing. Matters of the heart? That was a story that wouldn’t end well. She’d outshine me and hate herself for wasting time on me.
“I can’t do it, Scarlett.”
“So you don’t have feelings for me at all? It’s all sex all the time?”
Of course it’s not.My attachment to her, mypullto her, the electricity that crackled between us was undeniable. It had been from the moment I laid eyes on her. At first, I wanted her for shallow reasons, but now? It wasn’t about fucking anymore. Telling her would only make it more complicated. So, for the first time since I met her, I lied to her.
“No. I don’t have feelings for you. I like messing around with you.” The words tasted bad leaving my mouth—a bitter residue left on my tongue because I never wanted her to believe anyone could experience her without wanting more. I should’ve been more careful. Necessary or not, my wording was insensitive. I braced for the anger I deserved.
“Okay.”
I blinked. She said no more. I expected a much bigger fight. “You’re not mad?”
“No.” She met my gaze, and my heart flipped. “That wouldn’t be fair. You can’t force feelings that aren’t there and you’ve been clear with me what this was from the beginning. I’m not mad, Ryker, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean?” It shouldn’t matter. I was about to tell her we had to slow down. Why did I feel the persistent need to fight her on this?
“I can’t sleep with you anymore. It makes the feelings stronger, and I can’t handle that.” She folded her hands in her lap. “But I want to be friends. Because you mean the world to Dan and I’d hate myself if I were the reason you stopped coming here. So please don’t stop. I can be normal. I promise.”
I can’t.“It probably seems you can’t handle it because you have so much going on.” Scarlett was slipping away from me, and it was worse than I thought it’d be. She was sand spilling between my fingers while I desperately tried to catch every grain my dumb ass had come up here to let go of anyway. Now actually faced with it? My heart thundered, the roaring of blood in my ears too loud to think straight. “Let’s give it time and what you think of as feelings for me will go away. Seriously, Scarlett, we piss each other off more than anything. You’re leaning on me because I’m safe.”
Weak attempt. We did piss each other off but I enjoyed it.Sheenjoyed it. Fighting exhilarated us.
“That’s not what it is.” She shook her head. “I know when I have feelings for someone. I have a level head. I don’t go back and forth. I know how I feel. The circumstances don’t matter.”
“But—”
She held her hand up. “I can’t. I’m sorry. You won’t stop coming to the bar, will you?”
Her resolve stunned me. I couldn’t agree, but I couldn’t argue. The sand was almost gone, and she stared at me, waiting for an answer while my stomach turned to lead.
