Page 94 of Clashing
I closed my eyes. Tried to get my breathing even. One deep breath after the next. My anger with her was misplaced. She worried me all the damn time, and while I couldn’t stop her from getting hurt ever again, the thought she could be hurt bymewas too much to handle. I’d already done that, and I’d have to take a fucking gun to my head if I did it again.
Breathe. She probably doesn’t realize how dangerous last night could’ve been.She was trying to help, like always. And like before, I was ruining it.Don’t be an asshole. You could have a real chance with her again.Bull-fucking-shit. Not after I told her what I’d done.
Breathe.I waited until the adrenaline stopped vibrating in my blood. The fight response subsided to a reasonable worry I could ignore until I got home. Thankfully, Scarlett stood quietly. Didn’t try to make me talk. I couldn’t have handled her talking while I calmed down.
My eyes fluttered open and I took one last deep inhale. When I released it, the shine of sunlight reflecting off metal on the passenger seat caught my attention.
Her keys. Sitting on the passenger seat for anyone to steal. I yanked open the door and a muscle in my jaw pulsed. Unlocked.For fuck’s sake, am I the only person who gives a shit about her safety?
“Dammit Scarlett, do youwantto get hurt?” I waved the keys at her as she approached.
She froze, hurt flashing in her eyes. “What’s going on with you? Why are you acting like this?”
“Because you’re being fucking stupid.” I snatched her wrist and pulled her toward the passenger seat. I needed to get out of there. The combination of emotions I normally shoved down was a bad situation—add in a woman who got under my skin like she had her own private entrance?
“Ryker, what the hell? Are you mad because of how I saw you last night? I won’t tell anyone. That stays between us.”
Picking her up, I plopped her in the truck. “That’s not the fucking point.”
I slammed the door before she said anything. The dogs whined. I ignored them and circled to the driver’s side. An alarm in my brain went off.You know when you ignore the dogs’ whines, nothing good happens.They whined to warn me I’d reached a breaking point, but I didn’t have anywhere to fucking break. I had to get home. I had to get Scarlett away from me before the shrapnel from my inevitable explosion cut into her.
A mission made more complicated when I had no choice but to sit beside my greatest weakness and greatest igniter. I climbed into the truck, and she twisted toward me, lips pressed together and arms crossed.
“How about instead of freaking out, you tell me why you’re so mad?”
“I don’t know, Scarlett.” The engine roared to life. “Maybe it’s because of how fucking reckless you are.”
“I’m not reckless. You can’t be this mad about keys. Jesus, Ryker, we wereinthe truck withguard dogs.” She jabbed her thumb back at the window where Demon and Grayson watched from the other side of the glass. “You think with Demon and Grayson here, someone would’ve approached the truck, gotten in, gotten the keys, and . . . what? Driven away with us? What could’ve happened?”
What could’ve happened?The question screamed through my mind when I’d sat beside that kid’s body. I fired at adults, not a child. What could’ve happened to put him in the crossfire? I asked it over and over again because I needed a reason. I needed something else to blame, but I was the only one responsible. That kid shouldn’t have been there.Goddammit.
“Anything!” I yelled and brought my fist down on the horn as I sped over a dirt road. “Fuckinganything, Scarlett. You should always be ready for the worst-case scenario.Always.The second you aren’t, you get fucked. And you’re so fucking unprepared and trusting that you’re going to get fucked over by the world a thousand times if you don’t learn some fucking self-preservation.”
I pulled onto a real road instead of a dirt one. Signs from the highway pointed me in the right direction, and I sped onto it, pedal to the floor. I had to get home. Tremors started in my hands. That rage within me, the world,everything, became too fucking loud to think clearly.
Heavy, roaring silence dominated the truck for the entire drive. I couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. Bad because the tension radiating off Scarlett was palpable. Good because I wasn’t in my right mind and the last thing I wanted was to push her further away.
So why do you keep doing it?I didn’t know. Maybe because if I pushed her away, it didn’t hurt as badly as her choosing to leave.
Not until we turned down my private road did she speak. “I’m sorry you’ve been through so much that you feel the need to be ready for the worst all the time. That must be exhausting.” She massaged her temples. “I understand you’re going through a lot, but you don’t need to yell at me. Can’t you talk to me?” Warm fingers curled around my arm. “I know you’re probably embarrassed but you don’t need to be, okay? Nothing has changed about how I see you.Nothing.”
It should.“I have nothing to fucking say to you. You’re so reckless it’s infuriating.”
“I’m not reckless,” she snapped. “Stop saying that.”
“Stop acting like it, and I won’t say it.”
“Oh my God.Whyare you mad at me? Seriously, why? It can’t be because of the keys. For once, tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I’m feeling pissed off.” My hands cramped from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. “Pissed off because you’re so fucking naïve. I could’ve hurt you last night. How can you not see that? I could’vephysicallyhurt you, Scarlett. You can’t fucking trust someone who’s having an episode like that. You have to let it happen. You can’t play savior. It isn’t safe. Not with someone like me.”
“You wouldn’t hurt me. I trust you. I’m sorry that you don’t trust you, butItrust you, Ryker.”
I parked in front of my house and twisted toward her, rage boiling through my veins, elevating the frustration.Trust me?How could she trust me? This woman needed a better trust radar.
“You trusting me in a moment like that is unbelievably fucking stupid.” I gritted my teeth. “I’m trained to react quickly, Scarlett. I might’ve reacted and hurt you. It’s like you want to be hurt.”
“I don’t want to be hurt.” She threw her arms up. “You’ve never given me reason to think you’d physically hurt me. You’d never be that far gone. That’s not you. Maybe other guys do that, but you wouldn’t. And nothing happened so why are you again focusing on what could have happened instead of what actually did?”
