Page 97 of Clashing
“I don’t have a reason, Scarlett. I was ashamed and embarrassed and convinced myself the bigger issue that morning was you not taking precautions because it was easier to focus on. I was angry at myself but convinced myself I was angry at you. It was easier than admitting that I—” He shook his head and looked away.
“That you what?”
“That I needed you.” Eyes as blue as my battered heart clumped emotion in my throat. “I don’t like needing people but that night, Ineededyou. I’ve never let anyone close to me like that, Scar.No one.No one’s ever seen me have an episode. No one else knows that story.”
I said nothing. Both because he wasn’t done, and I didn’t know what to say.
“It scared the shit out of me,” he whispered, meeting my gaze. “That you could calm me down and that I could say what happened out loud. It scared the shit out of me that I actually felt good when I woke up with you. It scared the shit out of me that I could’ve hurt you because you may trust me, Scarlett, but I don’t fucking trust me. The thought I could’ve hurt you fucked me up so much I took it out on you.” His shoulders drooped. “Then I hurt you anyway. What I said was bullshit. Not the truth. Not warranted.” My heart pounded in agony at his glistening eyes. “I’m sorry, Scarlett.”
I swallowed, uncertain how to respond. We were both too emotionally charged for a mature discussion, and I wasn’t about to fight with him again. I couldn’t handle more pain. I couldn’t handlethis.
“Okay.” I blew out a puff of air. “You’re sorry. Dan’s expecting me.”
“You’re going to hate me forever, aren’t you?” His vulnerable tone rattled me, though it changed nothing.
I was tired of being hurt and didn’t trust him not to make it worse. “I don’t know.” I shifted my weight. “I need time, Ryker. That wounded me. More than you understand.”
“Help me understand.” He reached for my hands. “I’ll do anything to get you back. I’ll do anything to make this better. Scarlett, I’m such a fucking idiot sometimes, but I swear you’re important to me. You have no idea how important. I never want to be the reason you cry. Tell me what to do. I fucked up so bad, I’d doanythingto fix this. You want me on my knees?” I sucked in a breath when he sank to his knees, begging for something I couldn’t give right now. “I’ll get on my knees every damn day, Scarlett. There’s no limit to what I’ll do to get you back.”
“What does that even mean? We weren’t together and you told me you didn’t want to be friends. So what does having me back mean? I can’t do this weird back and forth with you. I can’t do this lashing out bullshit. Pick a fucking speed, Ryker. You can’t tell me we’re friends one second, then try to kiss me the next, then be unbelievably cruel the next.”
He stood on unsteady legs. “I want to be here for you like you let me before. I want to hold you. I want you around. I was stupid for saying I didn’t. Scar, I want you, all right? I want to be good to you. I want to make up for my shitty behavior. Fuck, I’ll go back to therapy and work every second of the day to become someone good for you. I’ll doanything.” I resisted the shiver when he tucked my hair behind my ear. “I want to be the reason you’re happy. I’ll take you however I can get you, Scarlett. I’ll be your friend if that’s what you want, or if you want more, I’m in. The only thing I can’t do is not have you in my life.”
“I don’t know what to say.” My legs weighed heavy as I stepped back from him. I had to. One tiny show of affection shouldn’t make me want to curl up in his lap and be held. Especially after what he’d said. The smallest contact made me crave his hugs—he gave damn good hugs—but I wasn’t a doormat. “I . . . give me space. You ignoring my space isn’t helping. I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”
“Will you?”
I lifted a shoulder. “Probably. Like you said, I’m stupid.”
“I don’t think that, Scar. I was talking shit because I was mad at myself. You’re not stupid.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “You’re strong. I wish I were as strong as you.”
“Oh, I’m strong now?”
“Yeah, you are.” His gaze met mine, intense like it was when he brought out his unfiltered opinions. “You didn’t let the dark shit make you paranoid about everything. You didn’t let it turn you into an angry person who lashes out at the people you care about. You’re bright and hopeful. It takes a lot of courage to be hopeful after seeing how dark the world is. You overcame it better than I could hope to. I wish I were more like you, Scar. You’re anything but stupid.I’mthe one who’s stupid. You’re incredible. The most fucking amazing person I’ve ever met.”
A cacophony of emotions screamed different advice from every angle. I couldn’t respond. I didn’t know how to. We stood there and all I could do was shift my weight from one foot to the other. My resolve slipped, but I wasn’t ready to give in.
“I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you. You’ve said that before.” He flexed his hand. “I respect the hell out of you. Me being a piece of shit has nothing to do with you. That has everything to do with me and my insecurities, but I don’t blame you for feeling like I don’t respect you after the way I acted. So, as much as I really don’t fucking want to do this . . .” He stepped back and sucked in a quivering breath, his tone uneven as he continued. “Take your space. And know that I’ll wait for you. I mean it. I’m done fucking things up. You’re too important to me. I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll always want to fix this and be close to you again. We’re forever, Scarlett.” My lips parted. “I know that in my bones.”
He tore his gaze from mine, hesitated, but walked away. I took an involuntary step toward him but didn’t take another. We were so toxic. I was surprised he was even capable of saying the things he said.
Part of me wanted to let him grovel and see if it eased the ache in my soul. My mind spun. He wanted to wait for me? We were forever? How could he say that when we weren’t anything? Worse, why did I feel like I knew it inmybones?
Conflicted and hurt, I forced my legs to move toward Dan’s house. If I let Ryker off the hook after how badly he wounded me, he’d always think that’s how it would be. So, I let him walk away. And I walked away, pretending every step didn’t tear another piece of my heart open.
I drank so I wouldn’t dwell on Ryker’s words. I didn’t know what to make of any of it and I was too exhausted to try. Instead, I drank with Dan and watchedThelma & Louisereruns.
Dan hadn’t been drinking much because of his medication. He only got cleared to drink a few days ago. The break chipped at his alcohol tolerance and around one in the morning, his snores overpowered the TV’s volume.
I never outdrink him.I sniggered for all the shit I’d give him tomorrow. Standing, I swayed and blinked. Not drunk, but definitely tipsy. I gathered the food we hadn’t eaten and put it away, but kept the whiskey to take back to my apartment.
I draped a flannel blanket off the couch over Dan before kissing his cheek. Once I turned off the TV, I tiptoed out.
Since it was a weekday, the bar didn’t stay open as late, and we never got much business after midnight. I unlocked the back door and relocked it behind me. Darkness enveloped my creaky trudge upstairs. When I made it inside my apartment, I fell back against the door to shut it.What a night.Massaging my temples, I pushed off the door and dropped my keys on the table.
The lock drew me back. Sighing, I twisted it and slumped my forehead against the cool surface. Half of me wanted to replay the way Ryker sank to his knees for me. The apology. The sincerity in his eyes and desperation in his voice. The hurt part of me shied away from it to nurse the still fresh wound.
My throat burned as I took a big swig of whiskey and wandered toward my desk. My art supplies lay untouched the last several days. I needed to do some work for my upcoming display. The only thing I could show René right now were charcoals of Ryker.
