Page 50 of The Happiness Blueprint
“I think you should have butterflies,” she concludes.
ALEX
Personal Calendar
• NEW EVENT:Couple’s therapy
• NEW TASK:Ask Klara out for coffee
• EDITED TASK:Not quite ready yet
It’s been a while since I was here last and two weeks since scheduling this questionable event. Too late to back out now.
Dr. Hadid’s office has been decorated for Easter, even though it’s weeks away. Small yellow chickens and colorful eggs sit on the windowsill. Paul is already there, filling out a questionnaire.
When we’re called into the consultation room, I let him take the chair already in place and pull up another one to sit next to him.
“Are you sleeping better?” Dr. Hadid asks me.
“Much,” I say, and I surprise myself by realizing, that yes, apart from the occasional late night lying awake imagining Klara’s face, I am getting the hours I need to function optimally. I am not only sleeping better but I feel better.
“Have you had any challenges at work?” she asks.
“I guess so. Just getting up for work in the mornings, meeting people again and being, you know,normal.Also, my boss’s lack of structure is frustrating, but we’re getting there. None of these would be challenges due to depression, though.”
“I agree. These are normal life challenges that everyone faces. You seem to be responding to them in a healthy way. If your sleep and mood remain stable, that tells me you are overcoming the challenges well.”
She moves her attention from me to Paul.
“Could you tell me a bit about the ring? If that’s okay for us to discuss, Alex? I understand you were there when Alex found it.”
“Sure. This was back in August last year. I had come with Alex to collect Carl’s things from the hospital, and at some point—I think it was in the waiting room when Dan was filling out all the forms and putting down signatures—Alex was going through the contents of the plastic bag. Then I guess he just put the ring on.”
“I wanted to take it off again. Just couldn’t.” A childhood memory of having stolen a candy, Mamma asking me to spit it out and me refusing pops up. Once on, the ring was like that, impossible to return.
“Dan said to keep it. Alex was a mess. As in, we’d give him anything he’d ask for.”
Watching Paul talk about it so casually, something I haven’t been able to do, feels...liberating.
“This was really helpful. Thank you, Paul. And, Alex, you still find that the ring is helpful? Wearing it brings you some comfort still?”
“I honestly don’t think about it much anymore. It’s on and has just sort of remained on, since that day in the hospital.”
“That’s not a problem. But since you’re not actively thinking about it, not actively relying on it for comfort as much, maybe you should give some thought to what it would be like without the ring, how you would feel if you were to look down and not have this reminder of Calle.”
She goes through the questionnaire, ticking off points about friendship, my support system and whether it’s changed since therapy started, and lastly she asks if Paul feels I’m able to give him what he needs in our friendship too. He saysyes, and I’m proud as fuck.
“Do you—either of you—have any questions for me?” Dr. Hadid begins to wrap up the session.
I prepare for Paul’s eyes to roll, and I say, “There is something that worries me. Is it possible that I’m transforming my grief into another emotion? Say, uh, being attracted to someone?”
Fighting it hard. Told Hanna I wasn’t on the market when she asked if there was something going on between me and Klara. The market is not for men with depression, a therapist and a dead person’s ring on their finger. Should probably listen to Dr. Hadid and actually give some thought to taking the ring off.
“You mean that you like someone and want to know if it’s the grief talking?”
“That’s it.”
“It would be a highly unusual response to trauma this many months later. Have you considered that your feelings for this someone may be genuine?”
