Page 64 of The Happiness Blueprint
Dad has gone back up to bed, after I repeatedly assured him I was fine. As soon as Alex and I are alone, something changes in his face. He places a hand on my lower back as I get off the floor, his eyes wide as if trying to transfer his thoughts by telepathy. I think of his finger touching my lips as I was sucking on the straw and am overwhelmed with uncertainty. Staring at various points on the wall straight ahead has been my coping strategy, but Alex turns me toward him now.
I hold on to him as I stand up.
I tell myself to let go of him, but my arms refuse to listen. From the outside it may look like him checking to see if I’m okay, that I can stand up, but in that moment I know that his arms don’t want to let go of me either.
“We have an early start tomorrow,” I manage finally.
“Who cares if we’ve got a 7:00 a.m. start?”
“Eight a.m.,” I say. “We start at eight o’clock. Not seven.”
Later that evening I find a new entry in our shared calendar, which Alex seems to think is some sort of private chat room lately.
•NEW EVENT:Tell Klara how I felt when she was unconscious on the floor; Location: Outside the friend zone.
I read it three times and then decide I’m clear on what it means. Then I think about the fact that this man has a wedding ring and secondly, that I’m leaving very soon. Thirdly, realizing I evenwantto leave the friend zone is overwhelming and I want that feeling gone. I add a note to the entry.
Reply: Alex to keep this to himself. Best, Klara
A few minutes later there’s a new reply.
Reply: Got it. Won’t mention it again. Alex
PART THREE
April in Malmö is a fresh spring month, with a speed of wind that varies from 8.6 mph to 10.5 mph. This means that you can expect that the wind rustles visibly. Average temperatures fluctuate between 37.8°F and 54.7°F. The last week is the month’s hottest.
ALEX
Personal Calendar
• NEW TASK:Continue moving on—from the accident
• NEW TASK:Find a way to move on—from Klara
• NEW TASK:Why is my life is all about moving on?
SAVED TO DRAFTS
Calle,
Yesterday I was there for someone. Didn’t bail out, even though I tried to talk myself out of it, and although I knew deep down she’d be fine without me, it feels like I stopped something awful from happening. I played a part, did what I could. Of course, it helped that I could see this emergency building up before me. I had an alarm. That other time, I had no warning.
Confidence probably a result of this because I did something, finally, same feeling as when I jumped off the highest branch of the tree on our road to save your ass. There was no way I was ever going to do it if you hadn’t bet half your Pokémon cards on it, but family honor and twenty-eight precious cards had me do it. Broke my arm, but you got your cards.
This time I didn’t break my arm but may have broken my fucking spirit.
Don’t mention it again, I promised. How can I not fucking mention it again? So now I know she wants me like I want her. Doesn’t mean she’ll do anything about it, though. She’s made sure she’s intending to do nothing about it, couldn’t be clearer. Which means I can’t do anything either. Because I’m not that guy. Not with her. You don’t chase Klara; you wait for her like the fucking queen she is. To give me a nod, a sign, anything. Was it better not knowing? Yup. Now I find myself trying to dissect her every move and get into her thoughts. Now I know she is thinking about me, I need to know what those thoughts are.
All I do is think about her. Reasons I know Klara has a strong influence over me: I swear less and I’ve started googling random shit likeis mosaic Italianandwhat’s the life span of a carrot.
Keep telling myself that she will soon be gone. I have more important things to concentrate on, like work and a trial, and Berit aka Mysterious Red Fleece Lady offered to meet me for a coffee, which was such an amazing gesture. Closure is coming, I can feel it. But then suddenly I have my ludicrous brain goingthe most important thing in the world is knowing what earrings Klara is wearing today. And confirming that Tom hasn’t messaged her again.
Urge is strong to call up Dr. Hadid and tell her I have all these new worrying symptoms. Let’s see what she says at our next appointment. Will probably dismiss them as feelings. God, I fucking hate feelings when they feel like symptoms.
Will let you know how the chat with Berit goes: feels like I’m about to catch up with an old friend when all she did was see you for about a minute. But that was the minute that ended your life. Hence it’s important to me. If the moment we die isn’t a life-defining moment, then what is?
Love you. Didn’t tell you enough, but I do.
