Page 75 of The Happiness Blueprint
“Why areyouhere, Mateusz?” I ask. But I know why. He’s here because he drove a van through Lund nine months ago. Because he didn’t stop at the scene.
Alex is next to me now. Then Dan. Then other people who look serious. This is not personal to them, I understand. One of them speaks.
“You shouldn’t be talking to each other. Please go and take your seats.” A man gestures with a hand full of documents to an area on our left. No one moves. Except Mateusz, who takes an almost unnoticeable step back. He’s never met Alex before but knows to be intimidated by him.
Dan pulls at Alex’s jacket sleeve, worryingly.
“Come with me, Alex,” Dan says. But Alex doesn’t seem like he’s going anywhere. Alex is like a giant statue, like the thunder god, Thor, towering over us all, his cloud of emotion building up with impending release. I imagine his head being filled with all the angry symbols of the Wingdings font.
“How do you know him?” His eyes don’t leave Mateusz, but the question is directed at me.
“He...he used to work for my dad’s company. I used to work with him.” Alex’s eyes grow wider. “But I fired him, right when I arrived. He was terrible. He said horribly inappropriate things.”
“This is the guy I replaced at the company? You needed a new carpenter because you’d fired him for some inappropriate comments? Did you know he had run someone over too? Forgot to share that detail, didn’t you? Jesus, Klara, this is the fucking dude that ran over my brother! He had 40 mg of alcohol in his bloodstream, and he’s here fighting like a sissy to get out of any blame!” I have never seen Alex like this.
“Security!” Mateusz pipes up. Alex is much taller, wider and angrier than Mateusz, who is quivering just at the sight of him. I instinctively take steps backward, ending up bumping into Alex’s mum, who looks at me with pain on her face. Mateusz is ushered away. Dan puts his hand on Alex’s shoulder.
“Alex. Breathe,” Dan urges him.
“Fuck, Klara.” He is wild, his eyes like some panicking horse that is cornered and has nowhere to flee. As if he’s trapped in his worst nightmare.I’m giving him that feeling.
“What even is this mess?” He rubs his face. “How could I be so stupid? I’ve been driving one of those vans every day for weeks now—”
Then it hits him: the possibility.
“Was I driving the same van that hit my brother? Have I been driving the same fucking van?”
“I didn’t know,” I say quietly. I know that I should stand up for myself, but then when people start shouting I always want to sit down.
“You didn’t know? And your dad, did he know he’d been employing a criminal?” The mileage tracker, I think. Yes, Dad must have known. Why hadn’t he fired Mateusz? Why was he still there when I took over? Dad can’t have known everything, I decide. No way.
“I know you’re not the best at math, but even you should be able to put two and two together.”Even you.Shame hits as I think that maybe I should have, maybe I got this fundamentally wrong, and it’s yet again my fault.
“I didn’t know, I promise. And I fired him because I knew he was a bad egg.” I feel sick now. Realizing who I had been dealing with. Making my professional life difficult was nothing compared to what he has done to Alex’s family. To his sweet mum who greeted me with open arms and his dad who is the spitting image of him but even taller.
“Alex, I’m so sorry. He doesn’t exactly havekillerwritten on his forehead. Dad can’t have known the full extent of what happened. Mateusz probably played it down. And he wouldn’t have known about the connection to you either. I’m sure of it.”
“It’s time to sit down. Please, Alex...” Dan tugs at his arm. I hand the pile of documents I’m still holding on to over to Dan.
“Just leave.” Alex turns his back on me, and I have no choice but to walk out of the building, tears stinging in my eyes from both shame and sadness. I want to say something,anything, but the emotions are too strong. Then there is surprise, and these new warm feelings for Alex that don’t stop, not even for a second. Even now that hehatesme. It’s overwhelming, and I need air. The van. My book on Scandinavian architecture. Rap. Anything that will calm me down. I hang my head so that all I see is the floor ahead of me and walk away to the sound of Alex’s voice.
“And, Klara. In case you hadn’t figured—I fucking quit.”
ALEX
Personal Calendar
• NEW TASK:Appeal fine
• NEW TASK:Fuck it—totally worth it. Pay fine
• NEW TASK:Go back to Jobcenter
So this is Mateusz. Also known ashimandthe killer. All this time I’ve been wondering what the witness in the red fleece would say, then I couldn’t wait to seehim. Now I have, he is sitting just a couple of yards across the room from me. This is what I see when I stare at him: big teeth that he can’t seem to hide away enough. A thin mouth that has dried spots at the edges (healing cold sore?). Mousy hair that is thin and may recede more as he ages. The ears—they are average. I stumble here, not knowing how to bear witness to the common. The nose is thin and slim. There is too much thinness in his face and not enough roundness: it is a noncompensated face. I focus again on his lips, moving but not yet saying anything. These are the lips that suggested a price on my brother’s life and on his own freedom, and also the lips that chatted and maybe even laughed with Klara.
Never thought of myself as an angry person. Actually, the contrary: I’m mild to the point of being meek. Have been known to stop fights and apply diplomatic skills worthy of the Swedish state (no war in Sweden since 1814—a world record). Something is happening to me. I want to hurt him. I think of my brother’s head smashed against the pavement, and then a second thought takes over.Him in my job.His fucking hands with blood on them touching the van I’ve been driving around. Andthen there’sKlara.Did she like him? How could she have worked with afucking villain?
I zoom out and wake up as if I’d nodded off when the hearing is over. When I walk past him on the way out, I swerve to the right, toward him, ignoring the voices behind me telling me to keep walking. To ignore. I only stop when I’m right in front of Mateusz.
