Page 83 of The Happiness Blueprint
• NEW TASK:Apologize to Peter for quitting on him
• NEW TASK:Ditto Gunnar
• NEW TASK:Ditto Hanna
Paul: You all right, man? I heard the good news. And the bad news. Want to talk about it? I’ll do my best to be emotionally available and a good friend.
Dan: Alex, you know I never blamed you. Neither did your parents. Hope the sentence means you can stop blaming yourself once and for all. See you tonight for one last beer in the apartment?
Hanna: Alex, Klara is a wreck. You’ve ruined her. Hardly turns up for work. She only eats protein bars and doesn’t wear earrings, nothing dangles on her face. Because she’s not smiling. I get that you left, hurting and all. I don’t care about you walking out on the company for no valid reason, but this is not how things end for you guys. I won’t accept it. Mope around, do your depressed-guy thing, then pull yourself together and make things right. Have you forgotten that she’s leaving today?
This image of Klara kills me.No valid reason.Klara didn’t kill my brother. Asked her if she knew but didn’t wait for an answer, didn’t even give her a chance to respond. I blacked out. I wasn’t myself.And then I quit.Am not a guy who quits on people. Who walks out on his team, his friends. Not really. That job saved me,shesaved me, and I need it back. But first I need her. Would she still be at her dad’s house getting ready to leave? Not sure. What would I even say if I call? Get a sudden sense of urgency, aware that I’ve wasted time. Enough of that. Dr. Hadid tells me I can stop creating tasks, but I reckon I need this last one.
•NEW TASK:Go to airport
•NEW TASK:Find Klara
•NEW TASK:Tell her what I’ve learned
Shave, dress and put the aftershave on that she told me I could never change. Delayed by Mamma calling to tell me that Dan has given them a large chunk of the damages awarded. There will be a unicorn statue in Calle’s name (thank fuck and Jesus Christ he will never know) and a donation to a charity promoting road safety and providing free bicycle helmets to kids. I hear Mamma’s joy and feel peace I haven’t felt in a long time. Tell her I love her.
Through the train window I can see Malmö becoming smaller as we ride above the sea toward the Danish coast. Turning Torso is the last visible landmark before the fog blurs the city. Inside it, the work will have started to make a space for someone else.
I find a seat, and then I go find my brother.
SAVED TO DRAFTS
Calle,
Man, I haven’t written to you for four days now. The first day without an email came and went, and I didn’t even notice it. There is a life for me without you. I didn’t think it was possible, but your void doesn’t have to be filled with anxiety: it can just be empty. I don’t need to fill it. I thought I did and worried because I knew it was impossible. No one can take your place, but now I know they don’t need to. There is endless space inside me.
I got the justice I needed. I saw the face. Actually, I punched the face. Totally worth the 2500-kronor fine for unruly behavior in a courtroom.
I know there is another void, besides yours, that I can fill, though, and I’m planning to make it right. Mistakes happen, and I can’t let one small mistake push me back to where I was. Who I was before her. She is my before-and-after; you are what I will always carry with me, forever healing, but she is what makes me alive.
Guess that means this is goodbye or something. I’m not sure what to do with all these emails. They will stay in my Drafts folder, and let’s just hope I don’t ever accidentally send them to my lawyer, gym manager or a random person.
Some people wear rings, some hold on to empty apartments, some bake and some fill a garage with random shit they built. But we’re okay. We can all stop now.
Love you, my brother. Always.
As I’m getting off the train at the airport along with a whole carriage full of holidaymakers, it dawns on me that I don’t know where Klara is and that finding her here won’t be easy. Kastrup is a big airport. As in LEGO-flagship-store big. Then it hits me what I need to do.
She seems to prefer that way of communication anyway, be more at ease and able to absorb the words.
Our calendar.
KLARA
Should I miss my flight because of a man?
Google Search I’m Feeling Lucky
The airport bustle either pulls you in and sweeps you off your feet, embracing you with its excitement and childlike adventurous spirit, or it suffocates you, reminding you that you have lost your direction within a sea of moving people.
I’ve passed security, producing my Swedish passport. It has to be British for the British and Swedish for the Swedish. I like that I get both aHave a nice holiday, missand aWelcome homeand can confirm my belonging to both countries.
I have just finished a Danish, vanilla-cream middle, which serves as both my lunch and dinner today, sitting on a bench outside the lounge to which I don’t have access. I watch suit-clad men and middle-aged couples flit in and out with their golden tickets to a cold buffet and free beer. My thoughts are mostly on the IELTS test. I had an urgency to get it done and booked the first available slot. I have to travel to Liverpool Street to sit it, but it’s worth it. Or it may be.Please let me pass this time.
