Page 46 of The Second Chance Bus Stop
At midday I get a message from Sophia asking what time I’ll be back that evening because she’s had a good day and feels able to eat a proper meal rather than cereal. My spirits lift instantly. It can’t be denied any longer. I’m seriously, and ridiculously, attracted to the girl I’m currently travelling through Sweden in a mobile home with.
We left the van parked this morning so I’m taking an almost-empty bus back. I call Zara because when you’re in the woods (literally) you can’t see the trees.
‘I need you to come up with a plan B because plan A is not working.’
‘No luck with the Svens?’
‘None whatsoever. So far they were all either missing, happily married, or never left Sweden. Nothing matches up with what my mum’s said.’ I wonder if Zara can hear the desperation in my voice.
‘Well, there’s one more on your list, right? So not all hope is lost.’
‘Maybe not, but hope is dwindling at a somewhat rapid pace.’
‘I’m sorry, Blade.’
‘I know, me too.’ I pause for a minute, not sure where to go from here. ‘How’s Mum though? Everything going okay?’
‘Oh yeah, all’s well here—we get along swimmingly, much to no one’s surprise. But she could do with a bit of good news from you. Anything positive to share?’
‘I mean aside from striking out on the Sven front, Sweden is beautiful, all the driving has been fine, and admittedly it’sbeen a bit of a lifesaver having this RV to drive around. Not just for me but Sophia too, she—’
‘Oh, the fellow traveller! Yes, how’s it going with her?’
‘What do you mean? We’re just driving around Sweden together. She’s off working every day.’
‘Oh, come on, Blade. You’ve been all over the scenic countryside with someone who by all accounts sounds kind, smart, funny and not bad-looking. What do you mean you’re “just driving around”?’
‘Well, I mean, yes, she’s all those things.’ And more. ‘But this is work for her, remember? Not like she’s here entirely by choice.’
‘Uh-huh, sure.’ Her sarcasm is practically dripping through the phone.
‘Seriously. And I need to stay focused on Sven. Not some cute passenger.’
‘So she is cute—I knew it!’
I try and eye-roll loud enough that she can hear. ‘There’s no point, Zara. I’ll be back in London in a few days anyway, back to Mum, and she’ll be back in her flower shop. Besides, I can’t get involved with anyone.’
‘Why?’
‘You know why.’
‘No, actually.’ Zara takes on her usual stubborn tone of voice. ‘I know that the last time you dated—’
‘I was almost engaged.’
‘Yes. I recall it with regret. Maybe things didn’t go well...’
I shake my head at this understatement of epic proportions.
‘And I know you feel you are a son above all else, and we all commend you for it, the way you prioritise and sacrifice. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever date again. There’s still plenty of life left.’
But that’s the thing. People don’t get it—I’d choose Mumover everything, every time. I tried to mix, to have a life alongside caring for her, but it just doesn’t work.Have you ever been left behind?I want to ask Zara.Have you made space in your very complicated life just to lose it all? Do you know how it feels? Because it doesn’t sound like you do.And I don’t want to feel that again.
‘You’re just scared to be in that position again. To have to choose your mum over a girl. So you figured out how to maintain your emotional boundaries. But there’s a world in which that’s not a choice you’ll have to make.’
I know that she’s right. But I am scared. Because what if I’m only human, what if I do have to make that choice again and I pick wrong? What happens if I don’t put Mum first because I love someone else more?
Zara’s voice brings me back.
