Page 51 of The Second Chance Bus Stop
People think problems are hard to solve, but there are ways to shuffle around, dig into it, find your way around it.
‘My family is just my mum and me, and neither of us is very normal. But we just are.’
My family and I never just are. We sit and ask polite questions about each other’s jobs. We talk, in that everyone is constantly saying please and thank you. We never had pets growing up: dogs shed too much and cats go to the bathroominside. We got a fish who died after a year. I wanted to bury him, but in the end he got flushed down the toilet and I cried.It’s only a fish, Sophia, Dad said. So then I thought perhaps it was better if I didn’t ask for another pet.
‘Your body loosened up, though, and the usual things you do, you started doing them once we arrived back here, in the woods.’
How is it that he knows all my quirks? And then I think about how I must be comfortable enough to do them in front of someone I’ve known for about two minutes but I’m not comfortable doing them in my family home. Then I think that maybe I better finish my unmasking book. I mean,of courseI mask. It’s survival instinct. People have been accused of being witches for less than my behaviours.
I shift my body weight on the rock I’m currently using as a seat.
‘I had a sort of therapy called ABA, applied behaviour analysis, when I was younger.It’s based on changingunwantedbehaviours. I’m only learning now that maybe it was toxic. What if the behaviours didn’t need to change? Or couldn’t because they’re part of who you are? How about accommodating differences instead of extinguishing them?’ Every time I hear the wordtherapyI go cold. I would never set my footin a therapist’s office again. They’re forever associated with Karin and her dark bob. ‘Do you want to hear something I read?’ I squeeze my fist so hard it starts pulsating like a heart. ‘With ABA, half of Autistic children become indistinguishable from their neurotypical peers. That’s the goal. Making sure we don’t stand out.’
‘How does it work?’ Blade asks.
‘I had to learn all sort of things. Mainly to appear normal. Stimming—like when I flap my hand against my thigh, that appears pointless to most people, so my hands were held in place. But to us it’s not pointless. It calms us down. If I can’t do it, I feel as if I’m about to drown in anxiety. And eye contact? It had to last for five seconds or I wouldn’t get my reward. I was trained like you would a dog.’
‘That seems pretty artificial. The last time I had more than five seconds of eye contact was when I proposed.’ I sit up. Straight. I reckon I just spontaneously did four seconds of intense eye contact. Possibly more.
‘You proposed to someone?’
‘A year ago.’
‘What did she say?’
‘No.’
‘No?’ I can’t imagine anyone saying no to Blade. In fact, I don’t think I’ve managed it once in the short time I’ve known him. I wanted to say no when he stopped at the side of the road—but couldn’t. I want to say no every time he wears that silly beanie which doesn’t cover his ears—and I can’t.
‘It was definitely ano. Amaybeif I’d upgrade the ring and try again in a year. I crossed path with her a few times since. Now there’s no eye contact. We both look at the ground if we run into each other.’
‘But... why?’ I’m supposedly bad at understanding people’s motivations, and this is the first time I agree. Because,why?
‘She said she wouldn’t just be marrying me, it would be like marrying meandmy mum. Basically I came as a two-for-one package, and the main product wasn’t enough to entice her to buy it. Can’t blame her. A carer isn’t exactly the most attractive profession you can list on a dating app. Caring, yes—carer, no.’
‘Do you miss her?’
‘Not any longer. Not her. Does it frustrate me that there doesn’t seem to be a woman my age who could enjoy staying in with an old lady every day of the week? Who doesn’t need me to always be more, do more and have more to be worthy of them.? Yeah, I guess. I don’t think I’ve ever been enough to anyone, not even Mum.’
‘How can you do more? You are here because of your mum, because this is important to her. You carry, shop and prepare formeevery waking minute. I don’t see how you could possibly do more.’
‘I like doing those things for you.’
‘I think you’re the first person who does.’
There’s a comfortable pause. I’m trying to think of what to say next when Blade continues.
‘There is nothing wrong with you, Sophia. I don’t know if anyone’s ever said that to you. Nothing wrong at all. You were left in a freezing car because those meant to look after you didn’t get it. Didn’t getyou.Maybe they thought they were helping you, but it seems to me that everyone who tried to help you and protect you did more damage than good. But it was never your fault. None of it.’
Tears start rolling down my face at his words. I always knew my heart was broken, but didn’t realise someone else might be able to see it too.
I think about all the so-called ‘problems’ I have. The emotions that seem to come at me with such force I can’t contain them inside my body, that I have to flap my hand for themto begin to subside. I think about all the things my parents wanted to be different about me. All the things they didn’t like, that didn’t fit into their image of what I should be like.
I think of sitting next to Karin. I would have liked to stay on my feet, walk around the room the way I can in the shop when I talk to a customer, because the movement helps me focus. One time, I was bending forward, looking intently in her eyes, and began telling her of the origins of cherry blossom trees. My uncle had sent me a postcard with one on the front, and I kept it in my coat pocket. Karin turned her whole body away from me. Dramatically, as if she’d seen something indecent. I was trying to connect, but she didn’t want to talk about flowers. So I stopped. Then I reached out my hand and sat with it mid-air, like I’d been taught, like she wanted me to do. She finally took it into a firm, quenching grip.Good morning, Sophia. Good girl. That’s how we greet each other.By the time it happened, my hand had begun shaking.
My tears have stopped. Like an automatic irrigation system that’s completed its next cycle.
I speak quietly. ‘What do you think people should do when they’re in my position?’ I always knew that Autistic women are three times as likely to experience domestic abuse. I just never thought it would come from my own family. Or if that is even the correct word for it. But I decide that having a word, even the wrong one, is better than having nothing. This is the first time anyone has called my experiencesomething, and it’s like it suddenly exists as a solid shape rather than blurred around the edges. I will hold on to these words for it until I figure out what to really call it.
