Page 59 of The Second Chance Bus Stop
Blade veers slightly away, and I’m expecting him to break this silence, or to move away from me, but then I see he’s only shifting his footing. I look around me for a second, to the empty street and the silent clouds moving above us then back to Blade. His attention has remained fixed on my face. I shiver with a cocktail of fear and want, feeling my lips tingle. The moment stretches out and then he’s leaning in, diverting slightly to the left so I know he’s not going to kiss me. I keep still, keeping us in this strange limbo, feeling his lips so close to mine. I’m being a coward.
‘Sophia.’ I can feel his breath on my neck, and I lean towards it because it’s so warm and comforting.
I pull back slightly because I have to. ‘I need to tell you something,’ I start. Why is this so hard suddenly? I’ve said this same sentence to boys many times before, yet suddenly I wish I didn’t have to, that I could say it then laugh it off as a bad joke the minute I’d done it. I don’t want to be the Sophia that can’t kiss, I want to be the Sophia that could kiss a man like Blade.
‘Tell me what’s going on inside your head. You can trust me.’ He lifts his hand and cups my face in his palm.
I want to trust him. I want to talk to him without it feeling like jumping off a cliff. It petrifies me. I lean my face into his hand. That’s all I allow myself. Then I say it.
‘I don’t kiss.’ My chest tugs as if I’ve ripped off a Band-Aid. There, all in the open and on display for him to see.
‘Okay. Can you explain? Explain so I understand.’ He didn’t laugh or tell me I’m strange or, worse, just lean in and prove how very wrong I am, and that he, a man, knows my body and what it wants better than I, its owner, does. He always explains things so Igetthem, and now he’s asking me to clarify the same way, without making assumptions.
‘Mouths have bacteria. And they scare me. Mouths. I know that sounds crazy, and I know that I am in fact, most likely, to some degree, crazy. But I can’t seem to get past it. The germs.’ Memories of wiping my feet at the doormat, using hand gel in the car after a shopping centre visit.Don’t touch the side railings, Sophia.But I had to touch the side railings, didn’t Mum understand? Because if I didn’t my arms would flap. And my reward would be taken away.Germs.My only option was to become so scared of germs that that fear trumped my urge to touch the railings. I scared myself out of meeting my body’s needs. Even if I know why I’m so deep in it now, I may never be able to change it. And now I’m scared that this man won’t want me. But could he?Could he?
‘What do I do, then? If I can’t kiss you.’ The last bit comes out as a croak rather than speech and I look at his mouth. It’s funny how I like looking at it so much when I don’t actually want it... Have I done this with other mouths? Presumably I’ve seen lot of nice-looking mouths before and yet I can’t remember eyeing them up.
‘Well.’ I attempt to come up with some sort of plan. Ideas. Turns out I have plenty. But my cautious brain is reprimanding me.Danger, danger, detain her!I guess Icouldrun my fingersover his collarbones, which have just a slight hint of a tan. I could breathe warm air onto his neck and nuzzle my nose against his jawline. Then I could press up against him and feel my breath fade away. There are many options that don’t involve saliva, and I can’t stop my mind from exploring them.
‘That’s okay, I understand.’
He understands?
‘Here’s my idea, then. There are other places I could kiss you, Sophia.’Other places.
‘We could try that.’
He leans in and brushes his lips over my shoulder. Very softly. Impossibly lightly.
‘Close your eyes, Sophia,’ he requests. My eyelids fall immediately shut. Eyes closed, I feel him close to me like a warm blanket. I’m anticipating his next move like I’ve never anticipated anything. I could stop this torture andthingwhich will obviously end badly just by opening my eyes, or by reaching out my hand and pushing him away.
I do neither.
His lips finally brush the skin right beneath my ear. And then there’s another pass of his lips over the same patch of skin.
‘You can tell me if you need a break or if you’d like me to stop.’
Talk? I’m supposed to be able totalk?I manage a shake of my head. His fingers trickle down my throat and I feel myself parting my lips ever so slightly then closing them, pressing my lips together. No.No lips.
‘Blade,’ I whisper. ‘Not my lips.’ His fingers halt, lifting off my skin right above my collarbone. I feel the loss of his touch immediately.
‘Not the lips,’ he whispers back. ‘You can trust me.’
‘Okay.’ I urge the shock out of my expression.
Blade kissed me. On my shoulder. And my neck.
In fact, he’s still doing it.
‘Blade,’ I hiss. I think I should try to be feminine. I hear my mum’s voice in my head:Especially with your stature, Sophia.
It’s good. This is what people do. They kiss each other. On multiple body parts. Like shoulders.
‘Let’s go.’
‘Do you feel fit to drive?’ He is, of course, but I’m not fit to be a passenger. To sit next to him and have my hands on my lap, looking out of the window as if this didn’t just happen.
‘We could stay here, but there’s no lake and our morning view will be of—’ he stops for a minute and turns to look ‘—a balloon shop and a bakery.’
