Page 87 of Embers of You
He drops his lips to the top of my head. “Tired.”
I nod, unsure of what to say. There’s nothing that can be said at a time like this.
“I was thinking we should stay in the main house so we’re close to Ma.”
I agree easily. It doesn’t feel right to be away from either of them right now. I can’t fathom what they are feeling, but I’m going to be here to do what I can.
It feels like the dogs can tell something is wrong too because Duke doesn’t even get up to greet his friend. Bennet doesn’t antagonize him, instead opting to lay on the floor next to Duke’s dog bed.
Jameson leads me through the unfamiliar house and into what seems like a guest bedroom. The queen bed has a simple duvet and the walls are even more simple with a couple framed landscape pictures.
“This used to be my room,” he says, breaking the silence.
I look around at the bareness. “I assume it didn’t look like this when you lived in it?”
“No, Ma decided not to subject guests to all my posters.”
“Good call on her part,” I try to joke.
Jameson strips down to his boxers, and I change into the oversized T-shirt I brought in the small bag I managed to pack. As soon as we climb into bed, Jameson pulls me against him, resting my head on his chest. His steady heartbeat thrums against my ear as my fingers lightly trace patterns on his skin. I’m tired, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep.
“Sutton?” Jameson’s voice is quiet, like he’s not sure if I’m sleeping and doesn’t want to wake me up if I am.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for being here.”
“I’ll always be here for you.” And I mean it. What remains unsaid are three certain words that I can’t bring myself to say.
Not because I don’t feel them, but because I feel them stronger than I’ve ever felt anything before. But I don’t want this to be the night those words are said for the first time. I think he was about to say them earlier, and now I’m glad he didn’t.
I don’t know how I would have reacted if he had said them at that moment. But if he had, then we would both always know this is the day they were spoken.
So instead of either of us speaking again, we lay in silence, just holding each other. There’s nothing more that can be saidand we both know that. While tonight has been awful, it only makes me more worried about what tomorrow will bring.
CHAPTER 41
Jameson
The last weekhas gone by in a blur. I hardly remember anything that’s happened after the night of the accident. My days consist of making sure everything is done around the ranch, helping Ma, and getting all the funeral arrangements done.
Sutton has stuck around to help with everything. She’s hardly left my side and I’m beginning to feel like I don’t deserve her. She tried to push me away, to fight what was going on between us, and now when she should be fighting it, she isn’t. And I don’t deserve it.
I can feel how distant I am. I’m a shell of the man I’ve always been. The loss has hit me harder than anything else I’ve experienced before and all I know how to do is busy myself to the point of exhaustion so I don’t have to think about it.
I can’t think about what it was like pulling up to the accident. Seeing my dad and the ambulance ride.
I just can’t.
I tried to go back to work, but was promptly yelled at by the chief that I needed to take time off. I wanted to distract myselfand get back to my normal routine, even though leaving Ma wasn’t ideal. I ended up coming back home only an hour later to her still on the couch, staring at the TV with the sound off.
Sutton was there with her, and didn’t seem surprised when I came back. She just gave me a hug that I returned, before mumbling that I had work to do. And I left.
Every night we crawl into bed together, I kiss her goodnight, and we fall asleep in each other’s arms. Neither of us say much, because there’s still not much for us to say.
The next day we get up and do it all over again.
The funeral is today, I get up extra early while Sutton is still peacefully sleeping so I can get all the morning chores done before the busy day that lies ahead. Of course that isn’t the type of busy I want to be right now. Today will be the kind that’s going to leave me emotionally exhausted instead of physically. I’d rather my body be so exhausted that I have no choice but to fall asleep instead of leaving my mind to race through the darkness that creeps in.
