Page 89 of Embers of You
We say nothing, but the small connection between our hands almost feels like enough.
Almost.
After we get back home, Ma retreats to her room like she’s started doing, denying my help. Sutton turns toward me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m as okay as I can be at this moment.”
She nods in understanding. There’s not much more to say, and suddenly the house feels claustrophobic. It’s like I can feel my dad around, sucking the air from the space and making it hard to breathe. Even though he’s not here, the weight of his disappointment lingers and I don’t want Sutton to see how much it’s dragging me down.
“I’m going to go get some work done,” I tell her.
She nods, wrapping her arms around herself. I want to pull her into me. To kiss her senseless and lose myself in her for as long as she’ll let me. I want to tell her everything I’m thinking and feeling, all my thoughts and fears, and to pour them out to her. I want to bring her into my orbit, but it’s not fair to her. I refuse to drag her down with me.
I change before going outside, leaving her in the house while I busy myself with anything and everything I can that needs to be done.
After making sure all the animals have food, cleaning the stalls, and doing some needed maintenance around the property, I’m in the barn. The heat is brutal today, and I take my shirt off to wipe my face and toss it to the side. I’m flinging hay bales around to get them organized and make feeding easier when I hear quiet footsteps approach.
Sutton appears in the entryway of the barn, and I go to meet her. The second I see her face streaked with the remnants of her tears, I break, cupping her face, and bringing her to me. “Baby, what is it? What happened?”
“It’s stupid, I just came here to check on you.”
“It’s not stupid. Nothing you could say to me would be stupid.”
“I—I’m?—”
I rub my thumbs against her cheek, wiping away the tears that appear there.
“I’m worried you don’t want me around. That I’m doing more harm than good.”
“No. Why would you think that?”
“I just don’t want to be in your way. I know this is a lot for you both, and the last thing I want to do is make it worse.”
“You’re not making it worse. I’m just…I don’t know what to do.” I shake my head, dropping my forehead to hers.
“About what? You aren’t expected to know what to do.”
“It feels like I am. I should be able to handle this and be strong for myself and Ma, but I’m failing at it for her and for you.”
“Hey.” Sutton places her hands on my cheeks forcing me to look at her. “You’re not failing me in any way.”
Yes, I am. I’m keeping you here where you feel like you have to be when you shouldn’t. I’m selfishly not wanting to let you go.
I can’t say any of that. My mouth refuses to form the words, instead it seals over hers, and all the light kisses we’ve shared are nothing compared to this. This is forceful, demanding, and needy. As soon as my tongue pushes into her mouth she moans, opening up for me. I flick my tongue against hers, then bite her lip and pull it into my mouth.
“I’ve been failing you, and I’m going to make it up to you right now.”
I need to distract myself, pull away from the darkness surrounding my every thoughts. I need to get lost in her, to show her how much she means to me when I can’t say the words. I need to feel like I deserve her in some way. To show her that she’s helping me more than she can ever know just by being with me. I need to give us both something that will make everything okay if it’s only for a little.
CHAPTER 42
Sutton
“How’reyou planning on doing that?” I pant against his mouth, my fingers trailing down his sweat covered chest. The hard muscles there tense under my touch as I trace lower, close to his waistband. I don’t move to undo them because I’m not sure if that’s what he’s talking about, and I’m not about to embarrass myself if it’s not.
Jameson runs his nose along mine, up to my hairline, his lips touching my forehead. “Remember what I said about tying you up in here?”
I suck in a sharp breath. I remember exactly what he said about that. I remember how much I wanted it as soon as he said it, and how it felt so shocking to come from a man like him. But I know he’s been struggling. He’s not been the same, and I don’t expect him to be.
