Page 99 of Embers of You
I look up at the sky and the stars seem extra bright tonight and I remember the envelope burning a hole in my back pocket. Thinking back to what Ma said about reading it when I wanted to hear from him again. On one hand I don’t know if I’m ready to, and on the other I’m so curious what he could possibly say that would change what I’ve thought about our relationship for years.
I walk through the open fields weighing my options until I reach the spot I came to with Sutton, and as soon as I’m down on the grass I wish she was here with me. My arms feel empty without her in them. My ears miss the sound of her voice, my nose misses the sweet floral scent she always had. My lips miss the taste of her. I just miss her.
Pulling out the envelope, I stare at it for a minute, still debating what to do. I could refuse to read it, let our last interaction be the final one between us. I could wait for another time.
A breeze hits me, and for some reason it makes me feel guilty for even considering putting it off. I may not know what it is I’m holding, but it’s my dad’s words, it has to be. And maybe for once I should hear him out.
So that’s exactly what I do.
Slipping my finger under the flap, I gently tear the envelope open and unfold the paper inside, revealing the hardly legible handwriting of my dad. I pull my phone out and turn the flashlight on so I can actually read the black ink scribbled on the paper.
Jameson,
I don’t know how to start this other than to say I know you and I don’t always agree on many things. I know you don’t understand how I am a lot of the time, and that’s okay. I don’t understand why you wanted to leave, but I’m proud of you for doing it. I’ve never known how to tell you because it hurt, but I know you had to do it. You had to find your own life. And your mom has always been so happy for you, we both have.
We got her diagnosis today and you said you’re coming back. I don’t want you coming back because you feel like you have to. I don’twant you uprooting the life you built out of obligation. We’ll be happy to have you, but I know you’re leaving your life behind.
Of course I wish you would have visited more, but we could have as well. I’m sorry my pride has always stood in the way. I’m sorry I’m not able to voice everything I’m feeling all the time. I’m so proud of you. I love you. I don’t know if you’ll ever get this letter, we just got off the phone and I know you were upset. I didn’t mean to do that, I just never say the right thing to you. You’re so much like your mother, you and her have always been closer than us. I wish that were different and I should put more of an effort in to change it.
I’m sorry. Jameson, I’m scared about what this means for your mother, and for our family. She’s the glue and I fear, without her, you’ll never speak to me. I don’t want that. Please forgive me one day, and I hope we can work through this together. I don’t know what the future looks like but we’re family and I want to make sure we stay that way.
I love you.
-Dad
I don’t notice how hard I’m crying as I read the last words on the page, and tipping my head back, I look up toward the sky. “Why couldn’t you say any of this to me before?”
Another breeze goes by as if in answer and I look down at the paper again. It gives me one glaring thought. He ran out of time and we weren’t able to work through our problems before he was gone and I’m not about to make the same mistake.
I know I’m going to have to be on my knees for awhile, begging Sutton for forgiveness. I know it won’t be easy, nothing with her has been. But that’s one of the things I love about her the most. She makes me work for her and she’s worth every single second of it.
That breeze goes by again. “I don’t know if I’m insane, or if that really is you, Dad. But I’m sorry too.”
Everything seems to calm, and I take a deep breath, looking at a particularly bright star. “I love you, too. If somehow you are listening and can help me get my girl back, I would appreciate it.”
It’s almost like I can hear his chuckle at that, and I know everything is going to be okay. But first I’m going to have to beg for forgiveness. Which means I need a plan on how to do just that.
CHAPTER 47
Sutton
BefriendingLily and Bailey has probably been the best thing I’ve done since moving to Amity. Our girls night was a success that ended with me crying into my popcorn while we watched movies, but I blamed it on the alcohol we consumed. I think it was the exact emotional break I needed. A chance to get it all out, everything that led me here with my family. Everything with Jameson, it all hit me during the third act breakup of the movie we were watching.
But now, I’m refreshed and slightly hungover, but mostly feeling better and ready to move on. I’m going back to how I was when I first came here, focusing on myself and not letting anyone derail that.
After I pull myself out of bed and see what a nice day it is, I call Bennet over to put his leash on and take him for a walk. I don’t work today, which is good because I don’t want to chance seeing Jameson, or even his truck.
We start to walk down the street and I look over when I hear a door opening, expecting it to be Bailey’s but it turns out to be her neighbor.
“Hey,” he greets.
I’m so caught off guard, I just give him a wave. I expect that to be it, but he starts walking toward me, and I’m conflicted on how to feel or if I should run in the other direction. The giant, intimidating man approaches. I stay frozen and try to paste a smile on my face that I hope is believable and doesn’t look like I’m grimacing.
“We’ve never officially met, I’m Wes.” He stretches his large hand out toward me.
“Oh, uh, yeah. Hi, I’m Sutton and this is Bennet.” We shake hands, and I find it really interesting that he’s introducing himself now when I’ve lived here for a couple of months.
“It seems like you and Bailey are friends, so I’m sure she’s given you some horror stories about me.” He chuckles.
