Page 118 of Playing Dirty
“Wouldn’t what?”
“Fuck, baby,” he whispers, his eyes pleading almost as much as his words. “Please don’t freak out.”
“Wouldn’twhat,Theo?” I ask again, a bit more forcefully this time.
His eyes sink closed and his hands lace together behind his head. He’s the definition of Atlas right now, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders with that single question. Because he is, and that’s likely the reason he can’t look at me when the words finally leave his lips.
“Since I wouldn’t seduce you.”
It takes me a minute to process the words, let alone their implications.
And then the world he was just holding up comes crashing down around me.
It’s a good thing I’m leaning against my car, otherwise my knees might’ve given out, the heaviness of this revelation being too much to bear with all the emotions slamming into me. One after another, they drag me under, none of them sticking for more than a moment before the next threatens to drown me all over again.
In the end, devastation wins out, and as I look at him—at this man that I…fucking love—I’ve never been more angry.
“Seems like you did a pretty bang-up job of it anyway. You know, since I just played an entire fucking baseball game with your cum inside me.”
He winces but shakes his head. Over and over again as he steps toward me, not stopping until he’s only a hair’s breadth away. “Madden, it’s not true.”
In my heart, I know he’s being honest.
He fought this attraction at every turn, and much harder than I ever did. If he’s lying—if he agreed to their seduction tactic—he would’ve dove into this thing with me headfirst. He’d want to get in, get the intel, and duck out before I was any the wiser. Not stall things or drag it out.
But even if the intention wasn’t there…it still happened anyway. The end result is still the same. We still slept together. He still got intel and brought it back to his team—albeit not the kind they were hoping for.
And I’m still left here feeling like…collateral damage.
My face tips back toward the sky, and I close my eyes in an attempt to gather my thoughts, but they’re still spinning at a thousand miles an hour.
“You realize how bad this looks, right?” I finally whisper, still facing the stars.
“Yeah, it looks fucking terrible. But that’s not what happened, okay? Not even close.”
His feet scuff against the asphalt as he shifts his weight, and I feel his hands wrapping around either side of my neck. It takes every piece ofgrit and determination I have left not to lean into his touch. To sink in the familiarity and safety of his skin against mine.
And when his thumbs start skating gently over my jaw, I almost lose the battle.
“Madden. Please look at me,” he pleads, his voice cracking with emotion.
Tension lines my jaw, and when my gaze returns to him, I find a layer of unshed tears gathering in his eyes, welling along the rim and threatening to spill over. And if I didn’t already feel shattered by this revelation, I definitely would from looking at him.
“I tried so fucking hard not to want you, you know that? But I wasn’t strong enough to resist—I’m still not strong enough—and it’s got nothing to do with the Penny Play. It’syou.I wanted you in the hot tub, that day on your porch, and every moment since.” His fingers tighten fractionally against the base of my skull while his head shakes ever so slightly. “Christ, Madden. I want you to the end of my sanity. I want you for every reason I shouldn’t. You have to believe that.”
There’s no doubt in my mind that he feels something for me—that he wants me the same way I want him. I see it in his eyes every time he looks at me; feel it in his touch and hear it in his voice whenever we’re together. It’s not something that can be faked or imitated, and it’s why I know this is real.
But it’s also why it hurts so damn bad.
“I believe you. I just…” I trail off, searching for the words to convey what I’m feeling—the hurt, the anger, the betrayal—only to come up short.
“I know. I know, and I’m sorry.” He grimaces slightly when the words leave his mouth, but he keeps his gaze locked on mine. “I wouldn’t have told them anything if I had another option.”
The honesty behind his words shines in his eyes like a beacon in the night,and I find myself nodding a few times before dropping my forehead to his.
“I know, baby. I know.”
Then I kiss him in the hopes that his lips on mine can somehow take us back in time. To any point before tonight—before doubt could creep into my mind. To a moment when lies and deception didn’t tarnish something so pure and vulnerable.
