Page 49 of Playing Dirty
But him being a guy isn’t my hang-up. At least, not anymore. After talking with Quinton, I’m realizing maybe it never was at all. I’d just let that unexpected development twist me into knots rather than look at the real issue.
Because my sexuality had nothing to do with why that night in the hot tub came to a grinding halt.
It’s that the guy wasMadden.
A Falcon. And not justanyFalcon, but their fucking captain.
His eyes narrow on my face, still analyzing me the way he would before calling a pitch, then he bites out, “All right, fine. But that doesn’t explain why you’re here. You need forgiveness for bolting like your ass was on fire? To shake each other’s hands and pretend it never happened? Fine, you’ve got it. Whatever you want, Theo, it’s yours.”
If the frustration laced in the last few words is anything to go by, his composure is starting to slip. Part of me is glad he’s finally starting to fray at the edges too. God knows I’ve been falling apart at the seams for a while now; it’s about time someone else joined the party.
I just wasn’t expecting him to come out the gates swinging when he arrived.
“You don’t have to be a dick about it.”
“Well, I’m sorry, all right? But I don’t know what your goal is by showing up here to tell me all this.” He runs his inked fingers through his hair before tossing his hands in my direction. “You’re the one who kissed me, you’re the one who cut that night off at the knees, andyou’rethe one who disappeared without a fucking word after. Can you blame me for not understanding what the point of this is?”
“No,” I whisper hoarsely. “I can’t. I just…”
I glance around the porch as my frustration grows to new heights.
I’ve apologized, and hopefully we can leave it in the past. Move on with our lives. But if that’s really the only reason I came here, then why am I still rooted in place, unable to walk away from the guy standing in front of me?
“What do you want, Theo?” he asks, as if reading my mind.
What I can’t have…
The thought is instant, and I realize he was right when he said I’m messy. I’m a tangled ball of chaos and confusion, and the more I try to untangle it, the more jumbled it becomes.
All I’m doing now is dragging him into the web too.
“What do you—”
“You!” I shout instantly. “Jesus fuck. It’s you, okay? I wantyou.”
The words give me no sense of relief when they fly from my mouth without permission. Not when Madden’s frustration has disappeared, turning into a wary suspicion as he eyes me from across the porch.
“You want me.” A statement, not a question.
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” I mutter, embarrassment coursing through my veins.
“You said something similar up in Vermont, and look how that turned out.”
Yeah, it led me right back to him. To finally admitting Phoenix was right: Denial is not just a river in Egypt, and I drown in it every time I look at Madden.
But I can’t do it anymore.
It doesn’t matter that he’s a guy, that he’s my stepbrother, that he’s a Falcon, that I don’twantto want him. I still do regardless.
“You told me you weren’t interested in playing games.”
He arches a brow. “Yeah, and I’m not.”
“And I’m not heretryingto play games.”
The wariness in his expression only grows, and I realize I’m not the only one who’s been struggling to fight whatever this pull is. He’s been battling it too. And if the way his gaze finally softens, ever soslightly, around the edges is anything to go by…he’s faring no better than I am.
“Then what are you waiting for, Theo?” he asks in a gruff whisper. “I’m right here. So if that’s really what’s going on here, why aren’t you acting on it?”
